Someone Else's Ocean

“She is beautiful, kind, well-mannered and has a heart of gold. I’m so taken with her already. You have every reason to be proud.”

Worry creased his brow. “Her mother is threatening to tell her the truth. She’s back with the asshole who fathered her.”

“Jesus, really?”

He nodded, and fear replaced devastation. “I don’t know what this is going to mean. She’s just turned fifteen years old, so it could result in an ugly custody battle if Tara presses it. And I can’t find it in me to be civil to her long enough to discuss it.”

“I know I’m prying, but will you tell me why you burned all those photos and kept the letter?”

“I didn’t keep it.” He sat back and ran a hand down his face before his eyes met mine. “I hadn’t used that luggage since I left her. I’m assuming she put it in there while I was packing the day I told her I was leaving and I’ve only just found it. She didn’t want the divorce and I assume she stuck it in my suitcase to try to stir up some nostalgia for feelings that hadn’t been there in over a decade.” He took a long sip of his beer. “It was just another attempt at manipulation. I found it while rifling through my bag the night I came to stay with you. I did read it. And all it did was prove what a fucking idiot I was to feel that way about her in the first place.”

He shook his head in aggravation. “It’s just that she played me so well. She played me, and I let her because I loved her so fucking much. And then she broke me… twice.”

I ignored the sting in my chest though I had no right to be jealous of his ex-wife. “You did love her.”

He gave me a sharp nod. We sat watching the commotion around us before he spoke again. “I’m not entirely proud of the way I’ve behaved. She phoned weeks ago and I told her I never loved her.”

“You lied to hurt her?”

He nodded. “I did. I loved her so much that my disappointment killed me when she didn’t turn out to be the woman I thought she was. She doesn’t deserve to know and will never know the extent of my love.”

I stayed mute, too afraid to lose the rest of his confession.

“She…” he swallowed, “when we found out about Ella’s disability, Tara’s behavior ruined our relationship. It’s really that simple. She wouldn’t accept the fact that Ella wasn’t a candidate for getting cochlear implants. Her attitude just completely ruined her for me. She acted as if we had a defective baby and refused to learn how to sign until every last specialist had told her there was no chance. I couldn’t understand Tara then, I felt like I had married someone else. It ruined us and because I felt so strongly about it, I let it ruin us. I couldn’t forgive her, and I never looked at her the same way again.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I stayed married, but it was pointless. After a few years, we were two zombies and our marriage the apocalypse. But I stayed with her for Ella’s sake, until I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“For a majority of your marriage?”

“Well over a decade,” he said before taking a long pull of his beer, his eyes on Ella.

“No wonder you don’t want to risk going through that again. I hate that I’m saying this, but as your friend, I totally understand why you don’t want to get involved.”

“And what about the woman I’m sleeping with?” he asked, eyeing me intently. “What would she say?

“I don’t think she can fault you either.”

He leaned in as if to kiss me and then glanced Ella’s way.

“I can’t blame you for being selfish about your freedom, Ian. I really do understand. But I hope you know if it came down to a custody battle, Ella would choose you. She would. I have no doubts.”

He nodded. “I pray she does.”

“You fight, you fucking fight her so hard. I’m having a terrible time believing a judge would ever grant her full custody based on a lie she kept up for fifteen years! Did she tell you purposefully to hurt you?”

“No, it was a coincidence I found out. She could have pulled that at any time, but she didn’t. I think she knew it would destroy me. But now that I’ve found out and she’s with Daniel, I think she wants to use paternity as an excuse to bring that fucker closer to Ella. Not only that, it seems like she wants me to be okay with it.”

“What the fuck is wrong with her?!”

“I know it’s screwed up. Let’s…” he shook his head sighing, “let’s let this go for now.”

“Why?”

His grin at me seemed out of place. “Because you’re yelling.”

“I’m pissed for you!”