Someone Else's Ocean

“For you, I would try.”

“Then come now. Right now. I can’t leave, I have to teach. Be with me.”

“Ian.”

“Right. That’s what I thought.”

“You know how hard it is for me.”

“That’s why I’m not begging you to do something you aren’t capable of.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I won’t ask you.”

Silence. And it might as well have meant death.

“Koti, please don’t take it the wrong way. You have to understand, I put my life on hold for so long. I don’t want you to feel obligated to do the same for me.”

“How am I supposed to take it? You’re telling me to let you go when I’m telling you I’ll wait. Because I think you’re worth it. I guess I’m alone in that too.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“You’ve said enough. Goodbye, Ian.” Her voice broke as did our connection.

“Koti!”

I hit redial and got her voicemail.

After several tries, I left my first message.

“Answer the phone!”

And then rang her again.

“Koti, I can’t ask you. Don’t put me in this position please.”

And the day after.

“I’ve never been so fucking miserable. Please just try to understand.”

And the day after that.

“You’re being childish.”

And the day after.

“If I were there, your ass would be purple. God, but I’m not there and I’m dying to purple your ass. I miss you so much. I can’t come to you now just to leave you. Please believe me, I have no choice. You might not understand it, but I do, and I know in my heart asking you to wait is wrong. I won’t bother you again… but please call me back.”

Trailing my fingers down the piano keys, I tried in vain to keep the tears from surfacing. Before he left and after our signing lesson, he’d played for me daily while I lit candles and uncorked some wine. We’d taken great care of our bubble before it burst. Disco came running at the sound and when she realized it was me, she resumed the wait of her master in front of the screen door.

“Come on, baby girl, please,” I begged as I sat with her on the floor. Her missing him kept her alert. Any sound other than the noise inside the house had her scrambling for the door. Even after months away from him, her loyalty and unyielding love hadn’t faltered a single day.

“I know how you feel, but we have to get our shit together. Hey… who want’s bacon?”

She didn’t move, and I was out of cards to play. That morning it seemed she was suffering the worst of it as if the realization struck he was never coming back. I started my mourning the minute he left the driveway. My days spent wiping away tears every time I woke up and realized he wasn’t there to share a smile with and the fact that I would never again wake up to see his.

The devastation remained as the weeks passed and I couldn’t bring myself to call him back. I was at my breaking point. A mental list full of my new hopes weaved between my racing thoughts and the irony was, those hopes for my future all included him. There was no one else I wanted to share my life with. He was never coming back for me—for us—and I agreed to the heartbreak. I’d allowed it in.