Someone Else's Ocean

She was loud, but I didn’t flinch. She was showing me what was in her heart.

“You are a good dad. But I’m growing up to be a woman.”

That time I couldn’t help but laugh at the ironic tantrum.

I took a sip of my coffee. “And I haven’t missed any of it and I don’t intend to.”

“You get on my nerves,” she huffed.

“That’s not nice.”

“I don’t want to be nice. You need to go. Mom is here if I need her.”

“Good for her.”

I still wasn’t speaking to my ex-wife. I wasn’t sure if I ever would. Daniel had buckled under the pressure of her expectations in their first few months of dating and left Tara holding the bag, especially when she told him Ella was his. I’d been spared a custody battle and because he was the piece of shit he was, Ella had been spared too. I got no satisfaction from any of it aside from the fact that my daughter didn’t have to deal with the heartbreak I had.

Ella lifted her chin in defiance. “Go to her.”

“No.”

“What if Koti loves someone else now?” The burn in my chest scattered, singeing every part of me as Ella pulled an envelope out of her purse. Inside was a small square picture of Koti. Pain radiated through me as I fixated on the perfection of her face. Had she moved on? Everything inside me ached at the thought and at the same time, it was exactly what I’d asked her to do. The picture had been taken a month ago and if her smile was any indication of her progress, she was in far better shape than me.

“She writes to me all the time. She loves me. She loves you. This is the good love you said you wanted me to know about. The kind you and Mom didn’t have. Dad, listen to me.”

I choked on the lump in my throat. “I’m listening, baby. I promise.”

“Good.” Tears sprung up as her passion flew out of her mouth. “I won’t let you keep me from that love.”

“I understand, but this is different.”

“No. I’m almost a woman!” She seemed more intent than ever on making that clear.

“There are plenty of things you aren’t old enough for.”

She rolled her eyes dramatically. “Dad. Go to her before it’s too late.”

“I can’t leave you. I won’t.”

“I’m leaving you, Dad!”

My head snapped up as she lifted her hands. I’m leaving you. I’m sorry. It’s time for you to find your new life.

I lifted my hands. You are my life.

“No,” she spoke again. “Koti too.”

Shocked at her admission and the weight of what she was saying, I couldn’t help the build of emotion that swam in my eyes. At the sight of it, Ella flew into my arms and spoke directly into my ear. “We can both be happy. I promise. I know you love me. Go be with her. She still loves you too. I know it.”

Praying I could whisper back, just once, to my little girl she pulled away as we both righted ourselves. I wiped my face of more tears.

You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I want you to know that.

“I know,” she said plainly.

I laughed at that as she took her seat and spoke again. “Do whatever the hell you have to do to make yourself happy. We only get one life, Daddy.”

A small group of women walked by staring wide-eyed in our direction before they spoke up to encourage her.