“Maybe you don’t, but I still need you.”
He hung his head as I stood shaking with fury.
“That’s funny, I remember begging for any sign that you might. I remember telling you I would wait for you and getting nothing.”
“So, what’s this then? The final fuck you to our relationship? Tell me something, Koti. That day you dreamed of having a baby, the day of the accident, what color eyes did that baby have?”
“Ian, stop it. Okay, stop it!”
“They were my eyes, weren’t they? You never wanted a family, you never dreamed that far ahead until we fell in love.”
I stayed quiet.
“They were my eyes. I’m the man you pictured having a child with. I’m here to tell you I want the same.”
“Please,” I pleaded. “Please stop. That’s not the life I was supposed to live, remember? It’s not realistic. It was a childish move to run and throw it all away. As much as I hate to admit it, my mother was right.”
“Bullshit, that’s your mother talking. I won’t believe that of you. You were happy, and I destroyed it with my selfish shit and now you’ve used it as an excuse to move on the wrong way and in the wrong direction.”
“Who are you to judge me? You don’t know what it was like being in that house without—”
He took a step forward closing all the distance between us. “Without what? Me?”
“Just leave. I don’t want you here. How can I make that any more clear?”
“You could stop lying, not have tears in your eyes, not be searching for my lips to kiss you and itching for me to reach out and touch you. I see it all because I know you that well. I watched you and worshipped you for the best months of my life. I know what you need because I loved giving it to you and I will touch you the way you need me to and kiss you the way you want me to, but I need you to stop lying to me… right now.”
“So what, because you finally showed up I’m just supposed to get on my knees and be grateful you came back. Go to hell. It’s too late.”
His eyes closed painfully and when they opened, I could see them swimming with emotion.
“Maybe it is too late for us, if that’s what you say, I have no choice but to believe you, but this life you’re living now isn’t you.”
“No, this is me, the side you don’t know and the part you’ve never met, just like there’s an entire life you lived before me, that I don’t have a clue about. These are our real lives. St. Thomas was a dream. What happened on that island was beautiful and magical and a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but it wasn’t real or sustainable, and it was always going to end. We both knew eventually we would have to get back to reality. After you left to face yours, I decided to do the same for myself. This is who I am, that time on the island was a much-needed break. I was never supposed to be there.”
“I know you don’t believe that. That place, that beach, that ocean is ours, Koti, and maybe it’s not the life either of us planned, but it’s what I want now more than anything. We were happy there.”
Anger won over ache. “You’re still selfish. Words mean nothing to you because you don’t listen. My life is here now, St. Thomas is over. Fucking me for a few months doesn’t make you an authority on me. We are over. You made sure of it.”
He continually swallowed, tears brimming in his eyes as he lifted his hands.
I love you.
I need you.
I want that beautiful dream back.
I can’t live without you.
I tried, and I hated it.
I’ll be there when you make mistakes, when you hurt, when you’re scared.
I’ll be there.
I’ll marry you.
I’ll want children with you.