Someone Else's Ocean

We can live anywhere you want.

I’m lost without my love.

I need you back.

Tell me what to do.

If you don’t want words, tell me what you want. Please. Please. Please.

Raw, I bit my lips to stifle the sob. “Stop. You broke my heart and you meant to. You can’t take that back.”

He gripped the sides of my face. “I’m late, but I’m here. And I’m sorry. I can’t stop, I won’t stop. I can’t stay away from you any longer. I can’t lose you again. And you can’t lose the part of you that I know will be one of the best parts. You’ll be the most beautiful and amazing mother. You’ll give our children pure love and acceptance. Please don’t do this. Tell me I’m not too late. Tell me your heart hasn’t closed to me. Tell me our children are safe.”

His tears fell rapidly down his beautiful face as my heart tried to claw its way out of my body toward the refuge of him.

“I have no place being a mother.”

“You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met, despite your fears. I’d be so incredibly proud to have you mother my children. And as long as it’s in my power, you won’t be alone to ice those hundred cupcakes for the class. I’ll be by your side through all of it. Every minute, good or hard. I want to be that man for you. I want to be there. I want our love story more than my selfish freedom. I want our life. I’m so sorry I ever made you doubt that. I’ll never leave you again.”

My walls beg

an to crumble one by one.

“Please,” he said, his eyes overflowing with love. “Baby, please be honest with me. I’m begging you. Be honest with me now before I do as you ask and walk out that door.”

He searched my eyes as I swallowed hard.

“I know you still love me because I can feel it. I can feel it no matter how hard you’re trying to fight it. I can feel your need for me, just like you feel mine. We’re still in love, and I know we always will be. You are worthy of love and a life fuller than you can ever imagine. You’re my best friend and I miss you. I miss laughing with you, I miss talking to you, I miss filling you with my cock and hearing your beautiful moans, I miss eating late at night in front of the fridge door, swimming naked and waking up together covered in sand. I miss fighting with you because making up feels so fucking good. I miss the Koti who can’t stop laughing when she’s had too much wine, I miss the way you hug my daughter with your eyes closed because you mean it. I miss the turned-on sounds you make when you’re reading your romance novels.”

“I make sounds?”

“Yes, that’s why I never let you finish but a few chapters at a time, it drove me mad.”

We both laughed despite our sagging hearts.

“I miss Disco and the way you loved her without trying to show me you’d grown too attached. There are so many things I miss, but your smile is the first. I’ll do everything in my power to keep it there, to light you up the way you do me. I’m not just here because I miss you, because I need you, I’m begging for the beautiful dream of that life we started together. You think it’s not realistic, but it can be a reality for both of us. We can go back and own that fucking life. No rules but our own. Our happiness won’t ride on fulfilling anyone else’s expectations, it will be a life catered to us.”

A tear ran down my cheek and he brushed it away with his thumb.

“I just… couldn’t think of a good enough reason to be in any more pain.” I sniffed and tried to pull my face from his grip, but he kept me close.

“I’ll be your reason, let our son or daughter be your reason and they will be worth it, I promise you. I promise you.” He kissed my forehead, my eyelids, my cheeks and then stole my breath when he placed a slow kiss to my lips. I sank against the weight of it, my walls obliterated as my heart sprang free.

“It hurt so much when you left. I couldn’t handle it without you. It was like everything I loved about being there evaporated without you to share it with. I didn’t know it, but I think I was waiting for you before you came, and when you left, I could never love that place the same. I missed you so much, I felt like I was dying every day you stayed gone.” He exhaled, closing his eyes before he kissed my tears away.

“I was a shitty boyfriend, but I’ll be a better husband.”

“I would have waited forever if you had asked me to.”

He bit his lip and nodded. “I know.”

“Why didn’t you ask me, Ian? I hate you for it. You know muses don’t just fall from the sky every day.” It was my shitty attempt at humor, but I couldn’t even manage a smile. “Domkop.” I deadpanned.

He chuckled. “I’m swimming in regret. Please, Koti, please take me back.”

“What about Ella?”

“She’s fine. She’s good, she sent me to you. The one thing that held me down set me free to love you because she loves you too. We both want you back.”