My tears fell freely as I stood with my heart bleeding and held it out to him. He gave me nothing, not a word or a single movement, but that didn’t keep me from fighting.
“I’ve only made one promise to you, so I had to keep it. But I wanted to make it clear about what I aspire to be, and what I’m not. What I may never be. But I know special when I see it. And you have it. Whatever it is that makes a person . . . more. I won’t win the Pulitzer and I can’t belly dance, but I can do something so much better than any woman alive. I can love you.” He flinched as my voice cracked. “And I can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I’ll show up for you. I’ll be there every time you need me. I’ll be your best friend. I can love you, Cameron. You are the thing I’m good at. You. Being yours. And I swear to God I will never lay a hand on you in anger, ever again.”
People began to filter through the exhibit, so I took a breath and collected myself. I barely heard him when he finally spoke.
“Who told you?”
“She did.”
His shoulders fell, and he hung his head.
“You should know, she just left my house, I texted you to meet me before she came to my door. Me being here and asking you has little to do with her confession.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me, Abbie, that’s not what I want.”
“I don’t. Okay, that’s a lie, I do. But I can’t stop those feelings. Any feelings when it comes to you. And I don’t want to. Cameron, please look at me.”
His voice was a whisper. “Forgive—”
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying—”
“No,” he turned around with unshed tears in his eyes. “Forgive me. How can you forgive me for fucking up something so perfect because I selfishly let it happen between us? But how could I . . . ” he choked on his emotion.
“How could I tell you that I could be the man for you Abbie and the truth? I wasn’t enough to save my marriage. I got selfish, I gave up. I stopped loving her and I started loving you and I don’t regret it. But I let her destroy herself because I was tired of trying. I wanted to move on without her. I hated her, Abbie. I still hate her. How can you feel anything for me?”
“I feel more for you because of it. I want more for you. How can that be wrong? And if there’s a little pity involved, then I’m sorry, you’ll have to deal with being vulnerable like I have to deal with your dishonesty.”
He looked around us and lowered his voice as a couple passed by sensing our tension. “I was going to tell you everything. That night.”
“It was too late. And instead of believing the best in you, I hurt you in a way you may not be able to forgive me for. But even if some part of me thought the worst and acted, my heart won’t ever let me forget I chose you and it’s not because you’re the perfect man.”
Tumultuous oceans of green swept my face.
“But just so you know, you and me, we are absolute.”
He closed his eyes tightly and two thin tears streamed down his face and stole my breath. It was wrong, it looked all wrong on him. This wasn’t the carefree man I fell in love with who had the strength of mountains that at that moment resided on his shoulders. The need to fly to him was unbearable as I kept where I was standing.
I took a step forward as he gazed down at me with desperation. “I just want us back, Cameron. I’m choosing to believe you. If that makes me a fool or susceptible to an outsider’s eyes, then let me be those things. But I couldn’t give a damn what anyone thinks. Stupid, naïve, whatever, I don’t believe it of myself and I don’t believe the secrets you hid taint you. I do know you, Cameron, maybe not every detail of your failed marriage or trivial things that really won’t change our relationship one way or another, but I know you and I love you.”
“Abbie—” His voice was thick, agony laced and matched the ache in my chest. I was shaking with need to touch him, to fly into his arms and erase the days without him. I hated myself in that moment for missing a single minute, but I wasn’t solely responsible.
?
?I want us back. But I deserve the man who pursued me with good intentions and an open heart. I deserve him because that’s the man I want to love. If there’s any left of him inside you, that’s the man I’m waiting for. He didn’t want to give up and I don’t want him to either, because he makes me happy, so incredibly happy. He makes my life so much better, he knows me. You ask me how I can forgive you? Ask my heart who refuses to let me hold this grudge. I love you too much. I choose happiness over bitterness, now over then, always with you. Always. I don’t want to be without you, ever. We all die at zero, Cameron if we’re alone, we all end up at zero. There is no point in keeping score.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“I know,” I said my voice laced with ache. “Please,” I said on a whisper, “please don’t take too long.”
I walked away then because it would be far too easy to fling myself at him and beg him to love me, because he would. He would take me into him and feed my need, because he loved me enough to do so.
But I wanted him to walk into the rest of our relationship with the open heart that he was when I met him. It was my own selfish condition.
With Cameron, I was playing for keeps.
Peering through my reflection of the coffee shop window, I saw her sitting at her table. Her dark-red locks swept over her shoulder as she sucked on her full bottom lip—a habit I loved—while she typed.
“Hey, Cameron,” Bennie spoke up as I eyed her through the glass. “See something good in there?”