I walked back into the house and downed a glass of champagne, trying to drown out the heat I felt from our exchange. No matter how I felt about my relationship with Josh, I owed it to him to stay faithful for as long as it lasted. I had already blown it by returning Dean’s kiss.
I joined Josh in the kitchen and passed out several slices of cake as Dean strolled in through the back door with his arm around Paul. They seemed to be on the tail end of a serious discussion. I gave Dean a questioning look and he answered with a wink and a knowing look and turned his attention back to Paul. I smiled slowly.
He came back.
The last few hours of the party played out smoothly. I watched as my sister and her fiancé said their farewells to the guests as they made their way out. Dean made it a point to be the last to say goodbye, and I couldn’t help but smile at him as he gave me a small amount of attitude with his curt goodbye. He even went as far as shaking Josh’s hand. Josh reluctantly took it, the unspoken promise of a good ass kicking lingering between them both. I pulled Josh back, wished Dean a good night, and noted his eyes brushing over our clasped hands.
It’s always a whirring sound. They sound nothing like trains like I’d been told. It was silent except for the never-ending whipping of the wind that surrounded me. In this dream, there were three of them circling and growing closer. I’d been in this dream before a thousand times. I shouldn’t be afraid, but still I was terrified. I was in a field with absolutely no shelter. Three cylindrical clouds destroying everything in their path. The horizon was filled with light as the tornadoes mocked the peaceful skyline with their overbearing and destructive presence. The space between them and I was vast, and yet I could feel the wind lashing my face. I felt their eminence. They were coming…They were coming for me. Their path was clear by the way they surrounded me. The field’s blades started thrashing erratically as the fear set in. I screamed but nothing came out. I felt helpless, hopeless. They were coming …
I woke up choking and gasping, a scream lodged in my throat. I turned to see Josh sleeping peacefully as I tried desperately to catch my breath. I let the tears fall silently as the feeling of complete despair stayed with me.
Tornadoes. Always the fucking tornadoes.
I evened out my breathing then grabbed the sheet from the bed, wrapping it around me. It was not always the same scenario but it was so close there was no mistaking the dream and its effect on me remained the same.
Pure devastation.
I used to think it was a blessing to remember my dreams, especially the ones where I took flight. They were exhilarating. Now I looked at the recollection of them as more as a curse. They were vivid and some of the time they hurt and could ruin an entire day of my life. Today in particular, not all the soap and water in the world could wash away the sick feeling that lingered.
I knew exactly where that dream stemmed from.
I was covered in sweat. I looked through Josh’s blinds as the sun peeked through the buildings of downtown Dallas. I made my way to his shower, staying as quiet as possible. I didn’t want him to see me this way.
I heard the shower door open and greeted Josh with a cold-shouldered “Hi.”
“Good morning,” he murmured wrapping his arms around my waist. I pulled away from him and immediately felt him stiffen behind me. I’d denied him sex after the party and blamed a headache for the reason for my early retreat to bed. But as of this morning, I was done lying.
“Dallas, please let me touch you,” he demanded, turning me to face him. I haven’t seen you in weeks. I miss you. I need to feel you.”
“Josh, we need to talk,” I said, pulling myself out of the shower and grabbing a towel. I looked to see his face fall as he followed me out.
“It’s him. It’s Dean, isn’t it?” Josh said, wrapping a towel around his waist.
“No, it’s us,” I said softly, unable to look at him as he stood in front of me.
“What is it, Dallas? I’m a patient man, but I can only handle so much. I saw the way you looked at him at that party. And what in the hell is wrong with us?” he asked, his voice growing more impatient.
“I’m sorry. This just isn’t going to work,” I offered as I turned to get my clothes.
“No fucking way, Dallas. You don’t get to pull this crap on me and walk away.” He rounded the corner and caught my arm.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking a lot about us and I just don’t see a future,” I said, shoving my legs into my scrubs as quickly as humanly possible.
“This isn’t about our future. No, this is about some fucking guy that wants his way back into your pants and has got you confused,” he argued, pulling my shirt away from me as I tried to put it on. I tugged at the end and we ended up in a small tug-of-war, which I lost. I took a seat on the bed in defeat as I stared at my feet.
“Look at me, Dallas,” he commanded, his voice hoarse with emotion. “If you’re going to rip my fucking heart out, the least you can do is look at me,” he reasoned. I looked up to see his face filled with hurt. “I was going to ask you to be my wife.”
I looked at him evenly. “And what would I have said, Josh? I already told you I didn’t want to move in with you. Why would you even think about marriage?”
He picked up the clock that was next to his bed and threw it against the wall.
“I knew this was going to happen the night I saw you at that fucking restaurant!” He fumed around me, pacing back and forth as I stared at the now ruined drywall.
“Well, I didn’t,” I said softly. “This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the way I feel about you.”
“Bullshit, stop fucking lying to me. Did you fuck him?” he asked, standing over me.
“Of course not!” I barked back, taking my shirt from the floor and putting it on. “And this is not about him. This is about what you deserve and it’s not me. I can’t give you marriage. I can’t even give you half of that,” I said, trying to reason my way through it.