I took a much-needed break around 2:00 P.M. and went downstairs to stare mindlessly at the large, triple-tiered fountain in the lobby. Water had a way of soothing me and I could feel a headache coming on. My pocket vibrated and I ignored it, taking a bite of my apple. When it vibrated a second time, I pulled it out to silence it and saw a text from Rose.
ROSE: I’m coming over tonight. This is bullshit. I miss my sister.
I quickly texted back.
DALLAS: I second that. I need you too.
ROSE: See you soon.
DALLAS: I’ll order a trough of food just for you.
ROSE: You do that, BIG D!
DALLAS: Kiss my ass, Rosie.
My sister ate like she was training for the Olympics and never got fat. If I ate one donut, I could physically hear myself get fatter with each bite. My phone vibrated again.
DEAN: Beatrice just felt me up. Where are you?
He was looking for me. When it came to patience, this man had none, but then that was one of the things I loved most about him. Every single piece of me wanted to go save him from Beatrice’s clutches, wanted to answer his texts. I just wanted to be near him.
Years ago, I would have jumped at any sign of his attention. Now I was purposefully avoiding it.
I spent months curled up in my dorm room, listening to any song that held me prisoner on repeat. No amount of prompting from Cammie or anyone else could shake me out of the funk I was in. I had bought a Columbia onesie when I found out I was pregnant and had planned to give it to him when I told him about the baby. The way I had planned it, the vast amount of scenarios that I had imagined would never have had me clutching that fucking onesie years later with no baby and no Dean.
I fell down.
Circling the drain had taken me so far away from the Dallas he had left. I almost lost my scholarship at Austin. Then my first year of medical school, I became dependent on Adderall. I became an uncontrollable menace and got even more problematic, though my grades were soaring. I had no issue with my daily activities, it was the not sleeping at all and the consistent inevitable crash that brought me to the emergency room a record amount of times my second year of medical school. When I finally kicked the super pill to the curb my second year and was forced to work my load stimulant free, I decided recreational sex was the best way to relieve the tension and never-ending heartache. However, true to my hedonistic nature, I did not limit my party to just one partner. I had laughed in the face of two of the guys I had been juggling when they confessed their love to me, quickly replacing them with two more.
I got sad, I got mad, and then I got disgusted, with myself.
So I got back up.
Jesus, poor Cammie.
I would have to make it a point to forgive her sooner than later.
The day I graduated Austin might have been the worst day of my life because of Dean’s broken promise and my inability to let go, but the day I graduated medical school was one of the best days.
I had been through hell, and though most of it was self-induced hell, I had done it. And my little sister looked at me that way I had always hoped she would.
For a brief moment in time, I was my little sister’s hero and Dean was no longer mine.
Maybe Dean didn’t know the exact details of how I mourned him, or the loss of our baby, but I knew them. I was ashamed of them, and judging by Cammie’s reaction to our relationship, I was in the right to think it was impossible to start it up again. Loving Dean made me a train wreck. Maybe I was a stronger woman now, and maybe I could actually handle the way I felt a little less drastically. Being out of control
like that could completely change your outlook. And while every single piece of my heart belonged to Dean, even the broken ones he had asked for, my head still belonged to me. I had fought for that control for years and it was a well-earned victory.
I looked at my phone only to realize I had been staring at the fountain for an hour. I quickly made my way back to my shift.
And this is exactly why you don’t go there. Work, focus, career…You have a practice to build!
Dallas
Now
At seven o’clock that night, I answered the door for who I assumed was my sister and got the UPS man instead. I signed for a package, sure I had not ordered anything, but took the box out of his hand. He quickly brought in two more exactly the same size as I opened the first.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t order this,” I said, puzzled by the boxes’ contents.