“The Grant Foster Cancer Treatment Center.” The tears fell freely down my face as I croaked out the answer and the truth of what lay behind my fear. I didn’t want to experience the same fate with Jack. I was terrified of losing him, and irrational about it. And the longer it took him to return, the more I was sure he was probably trying to think of a way to let me down, and more importantly, a way of saving face in front of my father. I made the decision then to make it easy on him. For years after Grant’s death, I’d managed to keep it together both professionally, and for the most part, personally. I’d fought months of similar panic attacks and come through it, but the way I felt as my family stared on at me and I answered their questions was enough to make me realize I couldn’t handle the feelings I had.
“It was just a bad day,” I said as they sat me up. “Honestly, I felt it coming on, and I should have worked through it instead of pretending I was okay. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Don’t worry about us,” Dallas said as she gave me a disbelieving once over. Dallas had worked with me through a few attacks I’d had after Grant’s death. As they helped me to my feet, I couldn’t help but hug her a little longer. She held me tightly to her and dismissed my parents, who were not pleased.
“I’m just going to take her to a patient room and thoroughly check her out,” Dallas said, walking me out of the arboretum. I mentally thanked her.
I looked back at my parents and gave them a reassuring smile. My mother returned it while my father looked on with concern. The only way he would start to feel better is if I looked better. I knew that about him. His family was his life, and only when his children were at ease did he truly allow himself to function. I resented my inability to keep it together at that moment.
“We’ll be here, little woman.”
“I know, Daddy. I’m okay, really.” Dallas walked me into an examination room and closed the door behind her before sitting me down on the table. Dean knocked on the door shortly after and inquired about me. I saw him peek over Dallas’s shoulder, deep worry etched on his face.
“You okay?”
“I am, brother, thank you,” I said as more guilt covered me.
“Can you get me a cold bottle of juice, any kind?” Dallas asked of her husband.
“Sure, baby,” Dean said as he quickly moved out of sight. Once the juice was delivered, Dallas again shut the door and handed me the bottle, forcing me to drink a good amount of it.
“What happened?”
“I’m falling for Jack,” I said simply.
Dallas’s shocked expression quickly turned into a warm smile, and I snubbed it out with my next statement. “It’s not progress. I’m backsliding because of it.” She waited while I came clean. “He gave me a ride home from work on the back of his bike and we passed a fatal car crash. I got so damned scared, I freaked out on him and demanded he get rid of his motorcycle. And it wasn’t the first time. He probably thinks I’m crazy and is halfway home by now.”
“Okay, so explain it to him.”
“He doesn’t know…about Grant.”
A surprised look covered her features. “You haven’t told him yet? Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes you do,” she said, taking a seat next to me.
“Because I still love him, Dallas. I still love Grant,” I argued.
She nodded as she grabbed my hand. “And you always will, baby, always.”
“I just wanted Jack kept separate.”
Dallas looked at me thoughtfully before she spoke. “You have the biggest and the most loyal heart of anyone I’ve ever known. It’s what I love about you. But, Rose, you can’t limit yourself anymore. You both need and deserve more.”
“I think I scared him away, anyway,” I said.
“I doubt that’s true. He’s probably confused. Your reactions are justified. Just tell him.”
“And say what? Hey, Jack, I’m sorry I keep freaking out on you. My ex died in a car crash a week before our wedding and I’m terrified you’ll die too?”
“It’s a start,” Dallas said with conviction. “Anyone would be sympathetic to that reasoning.”
“Exactly, I don’t want that from him.”
“What’s so wrong with a little sympathy? It happened to you, it was horrible, your life changed drastically. It’s a part of who you are, and he deserves to know.”
“There’s nothing you can say right now that I haven’t already thought of. But, Dallas, as easy as it is to dole out advice, you have no idea what this is like, and as much as I want to be strong and capable, it’s not working out that way. It’s just not. I’m handling it like shit, and as much as I want to, I can’t just turn it around or solve this.”