Chapter 7
MATT
I can’t go on like this. One minute, I’m angry about the whole Patti situation and the next, I’m angry about Kadyn. The only common denominator here is anger. I’ve never been an angry person before, but lately it seems that’s all I know. Anger and fear; I’m afraid that I’ll never learn to trust another human being again. That I’ll always be this hard, cold shell that I’ve become.
I want to be excited about going away to school and finally getting the hell out of dodge at least for a little while; but not even that can get me out of the doldrums. Why the hell should this girl have so much influence over me? I don’t know her, but somehow she’s infiltrated my mind and I find I have more thoughts of her than I now do of my unfortunate three-year lapse in judgment.
I’m sure my brother would think that’s a good thing. At least I’ve had sort of a reprieve from his meddling for the past few days. With Carrie sick he’s been like a bear with his paw caught in a trap and I along with the rest of the self preserving members of the human race have been steering clear of his ass. Watching them somehow has opened my eyes to an even more daunting realization. I was never really in love; I’m not sure if that’s worst but I do know it makes me feel like a complete ass.
Patti has tried to contact me more than once since the whole incident. After she’d been home on bail and her and Carrie got into it Josh had lost his mind and dad had pulled some strings to have her held until trial. I’m not sure exactly what he did because her family isn’t without their resources, I guess it came down to who had the biggest balls and dad won. I didn’t tell the family about her attempts to reach out to me through her sister and friends. One because I had no doubt Joshua would find a way to end her and I didn’t want him taking her place behind bars, and two, I had no interest in seeing her ever again. I’d made peace with that at least.
In the beginning it was hard to accept that I could so easily turn my back on someone I loved. I always believed that if I loved someone there wasn’t anything that person could do that would stop me loving them. That I’d be there no matter what, the way my dad was with mom. That had proven false with her and it was only now that I was beginning to accept the reason. Sad, I would’ve gone ahead and married her at some point in the not too distant future and missed…a picture of Kadyn flashed into my head just then and my stupid heart went on alert. “What the fuck?” I rubbed the spot and looked around my room but there were no answers there.
“Ice cream tonight Matt.” My brother walked into my room where I was playing around with a barbell on the side of my bed. He looked sporty in his button down Black Label and tailored slacks with loafers. Nothing at all like the raving lunatic who’s been running up and down the house in sweats and a tank for the past few days ordering everybody around. I hope lil sis hurries up and get better before he goes back into asshole mode. “What do you mean ice cream tonight? You’re gonna leave Carrie?” He looked at me like I was a two year old with a learning disability.
“No asshole, you don’t leave your woman while she’s sick to go get ice cream. She wants ice cream, said she’s feeling better and it’s the only thing she wants so it’s what she’s getting.” Yep he was totally gone, if I ever get like that I’ll throw my ass off a bridge. The thought almost made me smile but since he looked like he was biting nails I decided it was best to keep my humor to myself. My brother, though I always knew he was stronger than others thought and not the book nerd, had morphed into something entirely unexpected in the last few months since meeting and marrying Carrie. It was almost as if I didn’t have to stand watch over him anymore. Nah, that’s a lifetime commitment. Now I grinned at his whipped ass because I suddenly felt lighter.
“Okay okay calm down I just asked. Let me get dressed and we’ll go.” Why was my heart racing in my chest and my stomach tied in knots? Fuck I so do not want to deal with this bullshit right now. I’ve been lecturing myself all day about this shit and had finally made up my mind that I wasn’t ready to go there. Now at the mere thought of seeing her again my body betrays me.