‘Well, maybe that’s because they know what they’re talking about.’
They walked a little way further.
‘So if I haven’t made the papers, how did you know I was here?’
She pulled a face. ‘Miles told me.’
‘Ah. Discretion was never his strong point, was it? Has he sent you to baby-sit?’
‘I wanted to come.’ She turned towards him. ‘You know, I wish you’d told me about what was going on. You needed someone, Alex, and I feel horrible that I wasn’t there for you.’
Alex waved a hand. ‘Grace, I didn’t want anyone to be there for me. Besides, I’m learning all sorts of things about myself in this place, and one of the blinding revelations is that no one could have stopped me being an arse. I had to hit bottom before I even knew I was in a hole. So don’t feel bad. Not even I knew I needed a friend.’
‘I wish I’d been able to try.’
‘Tell you what, why don’t you take me out when I leave this place?’
‘Where do you want to go?’
‘Anywhere with food. The grub’s so awful here, I’ve started to make mental lists of all the things I’m going to eat when I get out, like prawn cocktail crisps and spaghetti carbonara and Marmite sandwiches – God, I miss Marmite!’
She giggled as they sat on a bench by the lake.
‘So what are you going to do when you get out of here, Alex?’ she said more seriously. ‘You know you’re welcome to come and stay with me and Julian at Toddington, that’s if you’re not heading back to LA.’
‘I don’t think I’ll be heading anywhere within a one-thousand-mile radius of Melissa.’
‘Have you heard from her?’
He shook his head. ‘And don’t get all sad about it,’ he said. ‘It’s funny, in the middle of all this madness I can actually see things more clearly now. Me and Melissa should never have got together. I mean, we met on the morning of 9/11, did you know that? The thing that brings people together isn’t always love. It’s timing, convenience, sadness, guilt.’
‘Like us?’
He gave a slow smile.
‘Do you ever think about him?’ Grace said finally. ‘The boy from that night?’
‘At first I couldn’t stop thinking about him,’ said Alex. ‘But then slowly it got less and less – it’s tragic, but you move on with your life. At least it seemed that way, but deep down I think I’ve always carried it with me.’
He paused, looking down at the bench, running a fingernail along the grain of the wood.
‘It’s funny, you take drugs to make yourself feel good, but since Angel I’ve never felt truly good, never really liked myself. But being here, I’ve realised that it’s not all down to one night. There’s plenty of other stuff to pick from: my dad dying, the guilt of not being able to look after my mum, the loneliness of going to Danehurst because it was what I thought she wanted. In actual fact, we’d both have been happier if I’d stayed at home.’ He laughed. ‘Sorry for sounding like a self-pitying bastard, but it’s what we do here.’
Grace put her head on his shoulder. For a split second Alex felt they had been transported out of Second Chances hospital and whizzed through the air. Now they were two lo
vers, two ordinary people, sitting by the boating lake in Regent’s Park, enjoying a happy, comfortable silence. It was wonderful, a perfect moment that made his heart want to burst. And then it hit him. He was happy because he was here, right now, with Grace. It was Grace who made him happy. I love her, he thought with overpowering clarity. Emotion welled inside him. All he wanted to do was just kiss her.
‘Alex?’
He turned round to see the white uniform of one of the nurses.
‘You have to come inside for your medication in a few minutes, Alex.’
He nodded, feeling a terrible sense of loss and disappointment as Grace let go of his hand and stood up.
This isn’t how it works, he thought angrily. This isn’t how it happens in the movies. He was supposed to take her in his arms and kiss her as a fiery sun set over the lake. But this wasn’t An Affair to Remember. It wasn’t the top of the Empire State Building. It was a psychiatric unit. No one wanted a madman to declare undying love, even if he was Cary Grant.
He tried to compose himself. ‘OK, so before you go, tell me some news from the outside world,’ he said as they strolled back towards the house.