‘It was just a one-night stand. Not just,’ he corrected himself quickly. ‘I know how bad that sounds. But it wasn’t an affair. I went away on business and I slept with a client. Someone I had known for a few months, and one thing led to another.’
Someone I had known for a few months.
Abby felt sick at that image of intimacy. He hadn’t told her how well he had known the woman before. Abby had imagined that she had been a sexy stranger, and that had been some small consolation. But now she could picture them talking and laughing together. Knowing little things about one another. Things perhaps as simple as how he liked his coffee. Whether he preferred French or Italian food for lunch. Had Nick got excited every time he knew they were to have a meeting? Had he worn a favourite suit on the days he was going to see her?
‘I read the text, Nick. She wanted to see you again and it sounded as if you had discussed it. When was that? The morning after? You can’t blame it on alcohol then.’
‘Yes, we discussed it,’ he said quietly. ‘And I wasn’t that drunk.’
It was like a punch in the guts. She couldn’t bear to look at him and focused her eyes on the far wall.
‘We’re here to be honest,’ said Nick, trying to catch her eye. ‘I want to be totally honest with you.’
‘I don’t want to hear it,’ she said, wrapping her arms around herself.
‘Let him talk,’ said Melanie softly.
There was silence, and then Nick spoke again.
‘I’ve never stopped loving Abby, but I didn’t like the state of our marriage, not since we started trying for a baby.’
‘Did you want children?’ asked Melanie. It was a reasonable question.
‘Yes. Eventually. We married young, but I loved being married to Abby. I loved spending time with her. Talking to her, just reading the newspaper lying next to her, made me happy. Then she wanted to try for a baby. I wasn’t really ready but I agreed because I loved her, and because it was something I wanted too. Maybe not at that minute, but when is it ever the right time to have a family?’
He paused and crossed one leg over the other, and started pulling awkwardly at his trousers.
‘We tried for a long time but nothing happened. Two IVF attempts were unsuccessful. Whatever we did seemed to make it worse. We went to more fertility experts, which made us more frustrated. We weren’t getting on so I spent more time at work. We had tests. Lots of them. Turns out we have sperm and egg incompatibility. If there’s a medical term for that, I don’t know what it is, but the long and short of it is that Abby and I are unlikely to ever have children together. Ironic for two people who fell head over heels in love the first time we met.’
She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t think she could bear it.
Nick puffed out his cheeks and even Dr Naylor looked emotional.
‘I thought we could handle it, I thought we’d get through it. Then my sister Ginny told me Abby had said she couldn’t be in a marriage where she couldn’t have kids. Apparently they’d had some conversation about it. I sort of lost it. I felt totally rejected, worthless. I went away on business a few days later. A client showed some interest and I slept with her. It was madness, but when I think about why I did it, it wasn’t because I was drunk and reckless. I wanted to feel like a man. I wanted to feel wanted.’
He shifted in his seat so that he could look more directly at Abby.
‘I know that’s little consolation for you now, Abs, but believe me when I say that I don’t want anyone else but you. I never did. If you want a divorce, if you want to move on and find a man who can give you what you want, then that is something I am going to have to accept.’
‘Ginny said I didn’t want to be married to you?’ Abby was trying to process everything he had just said.
‘If we couldn’t have children. She said it was making you question our marriage. I can’t remember her exact words, but that was about the sum of it.’
Abby desperately trawled through her memory bank. She couldn’t believe she had ever said that.
‘Nick, I was in love with you. I wanted to grow old with you. I honestly don’t remember saying that to Ginny. Even if I did, it wasn’t what I meant.’
Dr Naylor reached for a box of tissues and handed it to her.
She took one and blew her nose, then looked up at the counsellor, who seemed to understand that they had probably had enough emotion for one afternoon.
‘I think another session within the next few days would be useful,’ she said briskly. ‘But first you need to go away and digest everything that has been said. You should do that separately, and then we can reconvene.’
Neither of them said anything until they were outside on the street.
‘That wasn’t so bad,’ said Nick, pushing his hands into his pockets.
‘Other than the part where you admitted that you’d known that woman for ages, and that you weren’t drunk when you slept with her. Oh, and the fact that your sister lied about the way I feel about our marriage.’