His face is serious. ‘I have legitimate business ventures.’
‘What will I be doing?’
He shrugs. ‘Alicia, my PA, will tell you all about it.’
‘You mean you created a job for me.’
‘Lily, Lily,’ he whispers.
THIRTEEN
‘Friends, we have a new member amongst us tonight. Let’s welcome Lily,’ announces William, the group leader of RSSSG (Relatives Surviving Suicide Support Group).
The introduction is for me, being that I am the only new one in the group and everyone has turned to stare at me, but I am unable to acknowledge it, since my mind and body have suddenly become blank. I stare ahead, unable to look at the faces searching me, unable even to speak.
My grief, a deep tattoo covering my heart, starts bleeding anew. Maybe this is a mistake—too early (that’s a laugh)—or maybe I’m simply not ready yet.
Just act normal.
Whatever that means in a place like this. I take a deep breath and forcing myself out of my paralysis nod a general greeting. A girl stands up and goes to get a chair from a stack in the corner of the room. The clanging noise is loud in the empty, uncarpeted space and I have to stop myself from jumping. Other participants are moving their chairs, widening the circle to accept me. The girl slides my chair into the newly created space.
‘Take a seat, Lily.’ William’s voice is firm, but in a reassuring, hypnotic kind of way. It struck me that way even on the phone. I walk to the vacant seat and gingerly perch myself on the edge of it. The woman sitting next to me turns my way and smiles warmly.
‘Relax, we’re all friends here,’ she says and presses her hand on mine.
‘Hi,’ I say, resisting the impulse to pull my hand away.
I first heard about this center when a friend suggested it four years ago. She said it kept her sane when her father took his own life. But I never wanted to come. Until a few days ago. I’m only going to observe, I told myself again and again. But now that I am here, I no longer know why I am even here at all.
‘So who wants to begin the session?’
It’s that time when someone gets up and bares their naked soul!
William looks directly at me. Oh no. I’m only here to observe. I’m not ready to reveal anything yet and certainly not to a room full of strangers. I realize then that it has taken a long time for me to stop putting flowers on the grave of my memories. I don’t want to talk about him now. Maybe not ever. I bow my head and hope he will take the blatant hint and give me a pass.
‘How about you, Lily? Would you like to share with us?’
Heads turn my way. I look at him reproachfully.
‘Tell us a little about why you’re here?’ he coaxes.
‘I’d rather not. Not just yet, anyway.’
He smiles gently. ‘That’s all right, you don’t have to participate yet, only when you feel ready.’
A weight suddenly escapes my body and I ease back in my chair. This man has a way that soothes and calms me. Someone else starts speaking. His voice drones on, becomes a buzz that I don’t listen to. I lose sense of time.
The next thing I know, I’m being awoken by a soft but insistent touch. My body involuntarily recoils. William is hovering above me. My violent reaction causes him to back off with his hands raised.
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ I apologize and his face breaks into a kind smile.
‘Would you like to talk for a few moments, Lily?’
‘Everyone has gone,’ I note.
‘Yes, the session ended. You fell asleep quite early into it but you seemed so worn out and since you were reluctant to participate just yet, I let you rest.’
Inside I feel awful—I mean, who the hell comes to therapy and falls asleep on the very first session? ‘Thank you,’ I say shamefully.