I try to say those words with as much joy that I can muster, but everything sounds forced. And Myah will know that. She has excellent instincts like me, but I let that go.
She doesn’t immediately reply, although I already know she will not let this go easily.
“I will only go with you if you let me see Sloane again.”
Myah really is my daughter. She knows my weakness very well, but she doesn’t know that I will not give in to Sloane again. I will not let her get a chance to brainwash Myah again. I don’t know what to do if she takes away my daughter again.
“No. Myah, we already talked about this. My decision’s final.” I take a sip of coffee and return to my papers.
“Talk? We didn’t. All you did was pretend that you couldn’t hear me when I said Sloane’s name. Or you change the topic. Or you have this one-sided talk where you only want to listen to yourself speaking. Where is the conversation there?”
“Sloane hid you from me.”
“No,” Myah screams. “I forced her to take me in. She only did what she could do. And she only ever offered me kindness. Would you rather she left me alone in the streets? Was that what you want?”
“This is not a discussion that I wish to have.”
“But you’re not letting me do what I want again. You’re going back to the old you that is so controlling that you only treat your child like your soldier.”
That hurt, but I try my best not to flinch. I must be the calm one.
“What now? Were the previous days all pretend? Were you only trying to make me believe that you’ve changed? Were you only trying to appease me so that I would just come with you to DC, and then you could just leave me behind again? Was that all that you can do, Dad?”
I feel my heart breaking into finer pieces. Why does Myah doubt me again?
“See? What kind of conversation is this? You’re just tuning me out because I don’t let you just do whatever you want to do with me!”
“I cannot trust Sloane!” I yell before I can stop myself.
Myah is taken aback, but she keeps her composure and glares at me. I feel so powerless now, and I start to think that I’m losing myself. I want to apologize because I don’t want to lose her again.
“Myah… I didn’t mean —”
“I need some time to myself.”
Myah gets up and rushes to her room. I hear the lock clicking and then silence. I slump on the chair, letting it support my entire existence. What is going on with me?
I still feel the tinge of betrayal, which is like that an ice pick poking my heart. It feels like it isn’t there, but I know the moment that I acknowledge its entirety, I will break apart. But there is this pull in another part of me — a tugging so subtle that I sometimes miss it when I don’t pay attention to my emotions. But it is there, and it is the longing for Sloane. I hate her, but I can’t get over her. I want her back in my life. But I don’t know how to do that without understanding why what happened happened.
“Why didn’t she just admit to me who she was the first night we met?”
I feel foolish for asking because it is something that I can’t answer without Sloane with me. But can I give her another chance? Am I capable of giving chances? At times, I think Laura has taken away all the happiness in me, making me feel incapable of feeling connected with other people. But is it really the case? Is it really Laura or just me who’s holding myself back?
Then, a loud bang reverberates from Myah’s room. I rush to her door and find it unlocked. When I opened it, her room is empty, and the window is wide open. My daughter has run off again.
Chapter Twenty-Seven - Owen
Two days have passed, and we are back to square one. Andrew suggested that we move into an apartment because I may be thrown into jail before we can even find Myah. He’s exaggerating. I can’t be put in prison for shouting at several incompetent hotel employees who didn’t even notice a girl using the fire escape to escape. But the busyness of that place was also aggravating my bad moods.
This apartment is too small to accommodate all of us, so Andrew and Calvin share a room. My detail is down the hall. But even in this tiny home, I still feel alone. They are often out looking for Myah while I’m benched from that task because I tend to shout at people whenever I get pissed. That’s been happening more often. In the end, to make me feel like I’m helpful in this search, they decided to make me the brains of this operation. I think about all the places where she can be. But now, I have already exhausted all my faculties, and yet here we are with no answers.