My Heart

But I can’t let any of it go, not the tempting vignettes she painted of our future, or the feeling of her hands desperately holding onto my sides. I can’t let her words just drift away, telling me she belongs to me, that she’s mine.

Even now, I feel the beast stirring within, my manhood coming to life when I replay her words in my mind, the sincerity in her tone.

“Dad?” Alexis says, jolting me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“Who kissed who first, you or mom?”

A shudder courses through Tamia. I watch it in real-time, as her body goes rigid and her lips pull into a slight frown. She’s doing her best to keep her face neutral, but I can tell how much the topic bothers her.

I can’t blame her.

If Tamia started talking about kissing another man, I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself. I’d turn full beast, beating my chest, tearing at my clothes, howling like a lunatic.

“I can’t remember,” I say. “It was a long time ago.”

She shrugs and sits back. “I was an idiot for trying to kiss him. I know that much.”

“You’re not an idiot,” Tamia and I say at the same time.

Alexis giggles. “Woah, freaky. I’ve never seen two people lie at the exact same time before.”

“Alexis,” I say firmly. “You’re not an idiot. You took a chance. It didn’t work out. It happens.”

“He said he thought we were just friends.” Alexis shakes her head. “How the hell are you going to go on three dates with someone and then claim you thought you were just friends with them? I get why you never date now, Dad.”

I swallow, feeling a lump lodged in my throat. “Hmm.”

That's all I can say. The thought of outright lying to Alexis, especially after everything she’s been through, makes me sick.

Fuck.

Something just occurred to me.

What if learning the truth gives her a heart attack?

What if the shock is too much?

“What about you?” Alexis turns to Tamia.

“What about me?”

“Do you have any pearls of wisdom from the world of dating?”

I concentrate on not snapping the steering wheel. I focus on keeping my body as still as possible, as one after another dreadful thought swirls around in my mind. I see Tamia with another man’s hands on her, both of them laughing, and my mind continues to conjure up even more situations, once they start they won’t stop, it’s almost too much to handle.

I grit my teeth hard, too hard, feeling like they’re going to shatter.

“No,” Tamia says, glancing at me.

I know she can read me, the same way I can read her.

There’s something unique happening between us, something that should be impossible. We’re inspiring things in each other we’ve never felt before, that we never knew we could feel.

She knows how badly I’ll take it if I had to listen to her talk about another man.

“None at all?”

“Men generally stay away from me,” Tamia murmurs. “I was pretty much invisible in high school. If boys did see me, it was so they could get their mean comment done for the day. But it was never anything romantic. After high school, I guess I’ve been too busy with work and everything.”

“I think that’s crap,” Alexis says passionately, linking arms with Tamia. “You’re beautiful, Tam. You’re funny. You’re talented. You’re kind. Any man would be lucky to have you.”

When we come to a red light, I take a moment to close my eyes, summoning my patience. Alexis doesn’t know the pain her words bring, like a knife twisting in my gut. She doesn’t know that the notion of Tamia even looking at someone else makes me want to tear any man to shreds.

Is this jealousy?

Hell, that word seems too tame.

This is ownership.

“Don’t you think, Dad?” Alexis asks as I continue driving.

“Huh?”

“Any man would be lucky to have Tamia.”

No. I almost roar the word, almost slamming my fist against the steering wheel.

“I don’t know,” I say, the most I can summon. “Yeah, sure.”

Alexis giggles, rolling her eyes. “You know what ‘yeah, sure’ means, don’t you? It means he hasn’t been listening to a word I’ve said.”

Good, let her think that. Let her assume I was ignoring her. It’s so much better than the alternative.

“Maybe we should put you on a dating site,” Alexis says. “We can see if you fare any better than I did. I’m sure dad wouldn’t mind giving you a ride, here and there, you know, not interfering with his empire.”

She throws a look my way. Despite the dark feeling, her words provoke in me, I can’t help but grin when I see the playfulness in her eyes. There was a time – not so long ago – when a conversation of this length would’ve left her weak.

But then her words slam into me.

Drive Tamia, to dates?

I’d rather die. I’d rather kill.

“I’ve never liked the idea of online dating.”