I watched as he tossed blankets and pillows into the truck, then came back to me and nodded his head. “Move back.” His voice was deep and raspy.
I did as he said and then he followed me. He didn’t waste time fixing the blankets and pillows, much like he had for the movie we had gone to see. “Lie down,” he said.
Slowly I sank back onto the blankets.
I said yes when he took off my shoes, then slid my panties down my legs. I said yes when he took off his shirt, then moved to slip my dress over my head. And I said yes when he lowered his body over me with his shorts discarded.
This would be my first time, and I couldn’t think of a more perfect way to lose my virginity.
* * *
Asa held me against his chest as both of our breathing slowed. There was a burn between my legs still, but it wasn’t bad. The initial entry had been bad, but the pain had eased. I was now coming down from the moment and wondering if I should be horrified with my actions.
I wasn’t, but should I be?
This was Asa. This was right. Wasn’t it? We weren’t in love or he wasn’t in love. I might have possibly been in love with him for years. My attraction to his physical appearance had changed to something more the day he’d bought the little boy not one but several lollipops and then paid for more of the mother’s bill with the twenty he had left. In that moment, had I fallen in love with him? Although I hadn’t known him, I had loved him from afar. Now that I knew him, those feelings hadn’t faded.
He was holding me, and his fingers slowly caressed my arm. It seemed like this had been exactly the way all girls wanted to lose their virginity. Right? I had no one to discuss it with, of course.
“Are you okay?” he whispered with his mouth pressed against the top of my head.
I nodded. “Yes.”
He inhaled deeply. “You sure?”
I tilted my head back to look up at him. “I am positive.”
He didn’t look okay, though. He looked pained.
“Are you okay?” I asked him then. He was a teenage boy who had just gotten sex. Didn’t that make them happier than this? To hear my momma talk, this was their one goal in life. Maybe she didn’t know as much about boys as she thought she did.
A half grin tugged on his lips. “Yeah. I’m good.”
I relaxed a little, but he still appeared to be bothered by something.
“Ezmita,” he said.
“Yes?”
“I leave in two weeks. My coach called today.”
Oh. Two weeks. I still didn’t know when I would get to leave. My college hadn’t decided.
“I let this go too far tonight. You deserved more than this. More than me.”
I wasn’t sure I liked what he was saying or if I was understanding him correctly. “This was perfect.” All right, I’d just laid it out there. I was being vulnerable. He had blankets in his truck. This was not the first time he’d done this. He traveled prepared.
“Your first time was in the back of a guy’s truck with a guy that leaves town in two weeks.”
True. It was, but the guy was him and I was almost positive I loved him. “It was perfect,” I repeated.
I waited for him to say more. To say it was perfect or that he wanted more. My heart ached for him to tell me it meant something to him. He didn’t have to claim he loved me because I knew he didn’t. I just wished he’d say something to make me feel like this moment had meant something.
He never did.
JULY 16, 2020 The World Felt Wrong
CHAPTER 33
ASA
Not calling Ezmita wasn’t something I could do anymore. Putting distance between us was now shot to hell. I hadn’t been thinking about that last night. In the light of day, I knew it had been a mistake for both of us. We had two different paths ahead of us, and my taking her virginity had been selfish. Communicating this to her didn’t sound like a wise idea either. From the beginning I had been trying not to hurt her. I’d fucking failed.
She had deserved more from me last night. I just didn’t know what to say. What was the right thing to say? It all seemed inadequate. When I had left her, we had barely spoken since having sex. Calling her today was a must, but I needed to figure out what to say and how I was going to say it.
My phone rang, interrupting my inner turmoil, and I glanced down to see the word “Home” light up my screen. I hadn’t seen that in a very long time. My mother was finally calling me. The briefest moment of concern came and went when I thought this could be about my father. I had no reason to worry if the man lived or died. His death would make my mother’s life easier. The kid inside of me who had wanted to please him so badly once now felt differently.