I shrugged. “The consequence for disobeying orders would have been nothing compared to what I did to those men.”
“And if you’d been wrong? If they had been enemies.”
“Then I’d be dead.” There’d been moments when I wished I was right after the truth had been confirmed, but Dax and the bayou had saved me.
“Baby, you did what you were told. That doesn’t make you a monster. Have you hurt anyone you believed to be innocent since you came back? Did you do that before you joined the army?”
I shook my head.
“Was the order a mistake or…”
“I still don’t know. I’ll never know.”
He nodded. “What can I do to help you?”
It had been a while since anyone had asked me that. Dax had tried, but I’d rejected him so many times that it had taken me finally realizing how much it sucked to not be a regular part of his life for that to change.
“Talk about something else. I… That was good. I needed to tell someone. I think I have for a long time, but now I need to put it aside for a while, maybe forever. At least now you know why I had trouble trying to live a normal life after I came back.”
“I do, and I think you should tell Dax.”
“Maybe one day I will.”
“He’s never going to think you’re a monster. He knows you, the real you.”
I wasn’t even sure I’d known the real me until Dax and Eric had brought me out of hiding.
“How about I tell you my story? It’s nothing like that, but I’ve been hiding too. How much do you already know?”
I smiled, glad he wasn’t under any delusions about how I’d studied him before we met. “I know all about how you had to let a killer go. I know about the corruption and why you left.”
“But you don’t know about Dean.”
“Your partner.”
Eric closed his eyes and nodded.
“All I know is that he didn’t back you up.”
Eric’s bitter laugh surprised me. I’d seen him angry before, but his expression had never been that dark.
“He sure as hell didn’t. He told everyone I just wanted attention, the son of a bitch. I guess you don’t know we were more than work partners, or at least I thought we were. I should have known better because, no matter how many times we fucked, he still said he was straight, and I was stupid enough to think he would eventually accept what he felt for me. I was wrong. All he felt for me was lust, and another guy easily filled that spot.”
“The new hire? The one the chief brought in just for that investigation?”
Ambrose really had done his research. “You got it. I wasn’t useful anymore. Dean had been using me for sex and career advancement. When I decided to actually fight for justice instead of playing department politics, he dropped me and never looked back.”
“Fucking bastard. You want me to take him out?”
Eric shook his head, but I’d made him smile, which was the point.
“I appreciate the offer, but he’ll get himself killed soon enough. He pissed off some informants with important ties.”
“So you do keep up with things back home?”
“I’ve tried to stop, but…”
“You just can’t help yourself.”
He sighed. “Yeah. I never spoke to him again after I found out. I closed the case and left. Part of the deal I made to extract myself was immediate resignation with stellar recommendations. I left town, and I haven’t been back.”
“And you came here knowing nothing about the area?”
“I ran as far away as my sister would let me.”
I smiled. “Are you close to your family?”
“Yeah. Candace and I are especially close. I miss her.”
“And she would have come for you if I’d locked you up in my cabin?”
“She would have, and you wouldn’t want to deal with her.”
I imagined a woman with the same passion Eric had for justice. She would be a force to be reckoned with.
“She keeps telling me I have to try to connect with people again.”
“Did you tell her about me?”
“I did.”
“And what did she say?”
“To stay the hell away from you.”
“I’m not straight. I thought I was, but I’m not because you…” I waved my hand back and forth between us. “This isn’t a game for me. I’m not using you.”
I watched tension leave him on a long exhale. “I wanted to believe that, but I told myself not to get involved even when you looked at me like you wanted to devour me.’
“I did not. I’m never that transparent.” But I knew he was right. I hadn’t been able to conceal myself from Eric, not even the day we lured him into helping us.
“You were to me.”
I felt tears sting my eyes again. I wasn’t sure if they were tears of grief or longing or happiness, but I didn’t want to cry anymore. I pulled Eric to me, hugging him tight. He wrapped his arms around me, and it felt like home. I had no idea how the hell we were going to navigate our relationship, but I was done running.