“What, like a should-have-been wedding anniversary?” I asked. The idea that the men had been separated by circumstance for so long made my heart hurt for them.
“Um, no, different kind of anniversary,” Ford said awkwardly, then he was pulling me down with him as he sat. “What’s going on with you?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. Just tired,” I lied.
And immediately felt like shit.
Ford had become what amounted to my best friend over the past several months. I’d told him a little bit about Marcus but like with Jett, I’d kept the darker stuff to myself. Although I felt a certain kinship with Ford considering the tough childhood he’d had and the toxic relationship he had with his family, I still worked hard to keep my mask in place when it came to opening up about myself.
So then why had it been so easy to tell Jett? Not easy in the sense that it didn’t hurt but easy in the sense that I hadn’t hesitated to let him see a part of my life that was closed off to everyone else. I’d been trying to convince myself it had all been part of the “lesson” I’d wanted to teach Jett—that he wasn’t the only one who knew what it was like to feel raw and vulnerable all the time.
This hurts so fucking much.
I felt sick to my stomach as Jett’s words replayed in my head. The strength it had taken for him to admit to me what he had…
“I fucked up,” I heard myself whispering. Tears pricked the backs of my eyes. “I really fucked up, Ford.”
Ford’s hand rubbed back and forth over my upper back as I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees so I could cover my face with my hands.
“Is it Jett?” he asked.
I looked at him in surprise. How could he possibly know that?
“How?” I managed to get out.
“Isaac and Maddox brought Newt over a couple days ago. Riley’s teaching Newt to play soccer,” Ford explained. “Isaac said you and Jett were at each other’s throats one minute and at each other’s…” Ford coughed a little to cover his embarrassment.
Since it was unlikely that Jett would have told anyone about our most recent sexual encounter, I had to assume Dallas or possibly even Newt had told the rest of his family that he’d seen me and Jett going at it the day I’d feared that Jett had hurt himself.
“I also kind of figured there was something between you two the morning we brought Apollo over. Jett didn’t seem to be my biggest fan after you hugged me when I got out of the truck.”
The reminder of how rocky my relationship with Jett had been from the get-go made my chest hurt.
“I did something,” I said with a shake of my head. “Something I can’t undo or take back.”
“To Jett?” Ford asked gently.
I nodded.
“Sawyer, I know you. You aren’t capable—”
“That’s just it,” I cut in as I picked a spot on the ground and stared at it. “You don’t know me. I don’t know me.” I was glad that Ford didn’t try to placate me with empty assurances. I liked that he didn’t say anything at all because it was easier to admit the truth that way.
“I just wanted a clean start, you know?” I whispered.
“But you still see him everywhere. You hear his voice in your head. You keep wondering if maybe he was right about everything he told you about yourself,” Ford murmured.
I nodded because I knew Ford wasn’t talking about Jett anymore. “Marcus,” I said because I’d never told Ford his name.
“I thought Jett was like him,” I began. “He kept playing these games with me… running hot one minute and cold the next. Marcus did that a lot, but I was too stupid to figure out which was the real him.” I shook my head. “Jett’s not like him, but I don’t understand him.”
“And that scares you?” Ford suggested.
I straightened and sat so my back was resting against the back of the bench, but I kept my eyes on my hands. “No, it doesn’t. That’s what scares me. I want to understand him. I want to understand why he says the things he does. I want to understand why he shows me sides of himself that he won’t let anyone else see. I want… I want to understand why…”
“Why what?” Ford asked softly when I fell into one of those little holes in my head… the rabbit holes that had been created long ago when I’d tried to make sense of the things Marcus had said and done over the years. The holes I’d been desperately trying to fill in over the past year but that had started to open back up from the moment I’d met Jett.
“Why me?” I whispered. “I want to understand why he wants me.”