“He was disappointed in you,” I ventured carefully.
“The things he asked for were supposed to be easy. Eat healthier, stop swearing, don’t laugh like you’re at some ass-backwards hoedown, lose the annoying Southern accent and speak like a normal, well-educated person. I did it all. I wanted him to be proud to have me on his arm at all the fancy social events we went to. But wanting to do something and being able to do it one hundred percent of the time were two very different things.”
“It was unsustainable,” I offered.
“I couldn’t go back,” was all Sawyer said in response.
I felt tears prick the backs of my eyes as I thought about his statement. He’d been labeled as a disappointment, a burden, someone with no future, probably from the time he’d been a little kid. He’d been strong enough to say “fuck you” to the future fate had mapped out for him and had gone after what he’d wanted. But it had come at a steep price. Even if his parents hadn’t given two shits about him, he’d undoubtedly loved them because that was what kids did. They loved their parents.
Unconditionally.
I didn’t know if his folks were still alive or not, but I knew in my gut that if he were given the chance to be a real son to them, he would have taken it.
But his parents hadn’t fought for him. If they’d tried to find him, it likely only would have been because he’d stolen money from their drug business to fund his new start.
The one who had been there for him had been Marcus. A powerful, successful man who seemingly doted on Sawyer would have literally been a dream come true for the young man no one had ever wanted before.
Simply put, he’d wanted to belong to someone. He’d wanted someone who would have given a shit if he hadn’t come home one day; someone who’d remember him enough to prove he’d existed in the first place.
“What did you do?” I asked.
“Not enough. It was never enough. But it didn’t matter. I couldn’t lose him. I don’t even know when things changed… when I started to believe all his little put-downs. Every time I let him down, I was so fucking scared he was going to realize I didn’t fit in his world. I started letting him make more and more decisions for me. Where we went on vacation, what people we hung out with, stuff like that. If I fucked up, he never failed to tell me. He wouldn’t yell and scream at me… he’d just look at me like… like…”
Sawyer’s fingers stilled in my hand, so I began stroking my thumb over his in the hopes of not losing him to his past.
“Like?” I asked.
But Sawyer just shook his head.
Despite my intent to only listen, I just couldn’t do it. Not when I heard the hitch in his breath and sure as hell not when I felt a little bit of moisture on my chest where Sawyer’s head was lying.
“You’re not nothing, do you hear me?” I demanded. “You’re not invisible or unwanted or a disappointment. You were enough for that asshole—more than enough. That fucker—”
That was all I got out before Sawyer smoothly turned his body and pulled my head down so he could silence me with a bone-melting kiss. I loved the sweetness of his mouth just like I loved how he didn’t hold any part of himself back as we kissed. We were both breathless by the time we separated.
I was glad when he didn’t turn back around. He’d shifted his body so that it was nearly perpendicular to mine. The new position allowed him to keep his head on my chest but even more importantly, it left him facing me so I could see every emotion in his beautiful eyes. My eyes fell to his throat and I couldn’t help but let my fingers trail over the bruising that had already gotten darker. I tamped down the rage I was feeling but it wasn’t until Sawyer’s hand came up to cover mine that I was able to put the focus back where it belonged.
On Sawyer.
I shifted my gaze back to his face. There was no fear there, no eagerness to escape. For the moment he seemed… content.
“You’re more than enough, Sawyer. For me, for the family you’ve found here…” I paused because the whole thing was just so overwhelming. I was so desperate for him to hear me, to really hear me, that I was terrified I was going to fuck all this up.
Whatever this was.
When Sawyer dropped his eyes, I knew I’d pushed too hard.
“You haven’t heard it all, Jett,” he murmured. His brow was furrowed and he was rubbing our fingers together a little more desperately.
“I don’t need to, Sawyer. I want to know all of it, but I don’t need to hear it to accept what my heart already knows.”