I haven’t. I don’t know if that happens for everyone. I’m not sure I’d want someone to own a part of me that much either. That kind of passion really is overrated. Like some unrealistic expectation films give us that end up making us feel like we don’t have something good if we don’t end up with someone willing to rip apart the world to kiss us.
I clear my throat. “I do know someone who…can maybe help.”
He arches a brow. “‘Help?’”
I wiggle my eyebrows.
“A prostitute?” he shouts.
“Just to get you over the hump,” I explain quickly. “Maybe if you just do it—get the pressure off you for the first time—you’ll feel a lot better and more relaxed.”
He points to the door. “Get out.”
“I have her number right here…”
He falls back to the bed. “I don’t believe I’m having this conversation.”
I laugh, turning toward him and crossing my legs. “I’m teasing. Relax.”
I wouldn’t want his first time to be with her anyway. It would take a month to get the glitter off of him.
I let my smile fall and look down at him. “Sex is a big deal,” I say. “Especially for women. It’s easy to feel degraded. Abandoned. Forgotten. Worthless if you’re a virgin. Worthless if you sleep with ‘too many’ people.” It’s different for him, but I know he doesn’t want it to be. “When you brought me in here with you, I thought you were going to try to take what you wanted from me—use me—because I’m poor and living on your good graces and vulnerable.”
“Have people done that to you?”
“But you didn’t,” I continue, avoiding his question. “You’ve left me alone, and for the first time in a long time, I feel…” I look up and around, trying to put it into words. “Like I don’t have to keep my guard up every second.”
He listens, his eyes on me.
“I’m glad you don’t try to hop in the sack with anyone at any time,” I say. “I like that about you.” I force the words out, because it’s hard to admit I actually think really highly of him. But he needs to know he’s worth the wait. “You’re a different world, Hawke. Whoever it ends up being, I hope she knows she won the lottery.”
His expression softens, and he looks like he wants to smile, but he just looks back up to the ceiling.
“I was patient with myself at first,” he explains, “thinking it would eventually happen and everything would be fine, but it still hasn’t happened, and the more time that passes, the more nervous I get.” He laughs at himself. “I want to do it. Obviously.” He gestures to his body that was very hard a minute ago. “I think about it. I like to think about it. None of them ever feel like I’m home, though. I never feel safe.”
“And that’s why you watch people,” I say.
He looks at me.
“You asked me a couple of days ago why I thought you watched the town from your room with no windows where no one will see you.” I hold his eyes. “It’s control. A sense of security. You feel powerless with sex, and it’s a way to have power. Power that no one else has.”
Except maybe his dad. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree there.
“But you’re giving her too much of it, Hawke,” I tell him. “Power, I mean. She’s just as nervous as you are. She just wants to know she’s wanted. It’s not that hard.” I fall to the bed beside him, sighing and feeling a yawn come on. “Turn off the cameras, except the one for her. Tell her to do what you want her to do. She’ll do it.”
My head sinks into his expensive pillow, and I already feel lightheaded like I’m drifting away and completely conscious of it. My stomach drops, and I think I smile.
“You have your own bed,” I hear him bite.
I yawn. “Watch me sleep there or here. Either way, you’re a creeper.”
Hawke
I open my eyes, instantly at ease in the windowless room. I love sleeping here. It’s cold and dark, and I never feel guilty about sleeping late because I can’t tell if the sun’s out or not.
The scent of the old furniture fills my room, and I reach over, switching on my lamp.
“Mmmm.” I hear a sweet, little whimper next to me.
A jolt hits my heart, and I jerk my head, seeing Aro. I forgot she was here.
That’s weird. I usually wake a couple times every night, but I slept straight through. I fall back to the bed, relaxing as she sinks back into her slumber, barely shifting with the soft light in the room now.
She’s kinda cute. When she’s quiet.
Her black lashes drape under her eyes, her skin smooth and her lips full and cherry, like candy. Her feet hug each other, and she’s balled up like she’s cold. I sit up, reaching down and pulling the blanket I never need over her body. In a minute she’ll be awake, mocking me, fighting me over something that doesn’t need to be an argument, or making my head hurt.