I know, but -
Stop beating yourself up, Riley. His voice came, soft but firm. The only person you need to worry about at the moment is yourself. I can take care of everything else - even if that means getting you away from the Directorate.
I smiled. It was very nice being loved by this man.
But was I ready for him to go to war for me? Because that's what it would take to get me away from the Directorate. Jack was a great boss and a fair vampire, but he was still a Directorate man and he'd worked for a long time to get me where I was today. He wouldn't release me easily.
And while I didn't think Jack would resort to violence to keep me - especially against a vampire who was older and stronger - Jack wasn't the sum of the Directorate. His sister was - and she was both older and stronger than Quinn. I had no idea just what she was capable of.
I wasn't about to risk putting Quinn in harm's way. I'd already lost my soul mate. I wasn't about to lose my heart, as well.
But there was also the larger problem of the drug in my system. Quinn might own pharmaceutical companies, but they weren't set up to monitor me like the Directorate was. Until we knew the direction of those changes, I was basically stuck.
Riley, he said softly, if you want out, I'll make it happen.
I know. And that's what worried me. But it's not that simple.
It can be.
I rubbed a hand across my eyes. Maybe it could. Maybe if I gave up fear and simply trusted, it would all fall in place.
But I couldn't. Not yet.
Not when everything was still so raw and fresh.
I think I just need time, I said softly. Time to understand what I really want.
Time to gain the courage to go after it.
Maybe you also need to talk to someone who has been through what you've been through, he said. How long has it been since you've talked to Ben?
Once upon a time, he would have seen Ben as a threat, but after everything we'd been through of late, I think Quinn finally understood just how secure he was in my world. It didn't matter if the moon heat drove me into the arms of another - it hadn't anytime recently, and certainly never with Ben - because for a wolf, sex was a physical thing, a need as deep and driving as Quinn's need for blood, and it did not affect the heart or mind. The possessive, controlling part of him had finally given way to understanding.
In return, I gave him my all. Or as much of me as there was left to give.
I talk to Ben all the time. And he did understand, because he'd lost his soul mate and had come out the other end.
But maybe that was also the problem. He'd coped. I really wasn't.
I think you need to go talk to him again. Quinn paused. You need to talk to someone.
I closed my eyes. The pain behind that statement was easy to hear. I'm sorry, love. I don't mean -
I know. He cut me off gently. And I know I told you in the past that I didn't want to know about you and Kye. But you need to release the pain of it, Riley, or it's going to eat you up and destroy you.
I know. I took a deep, shuddery breath. I'll arrange another meeting with Ben.
And after that, maybe, finally, I could find a way to talk to Quinn. To open up about the pain and the hurt that still festered inside.
Though he sensed that hurt. He was too attuned to me now not to.
I need to report the kill to Jack, I said eventually. Whether we'll meet for lunch or dinner very much depends on what he wants me to do next.
I'm here at the office all day, so just call when you're ready.
I will. I paused, then added softly, Love you.
He smiled. It came down the link between us like sunshine through rain, all warm and glittery.