Masquerade

‘OK. But if ever you change your mind, just let me know. The things Blake can find out will blow your mind.’

‘I don’t want to find out things about him. I want to know what he thinks, but I don’t want someone else to tell me. I want him to tell me.’

She smiles one of her Zen smiles. ‘And he will.’

‘What makes you say that?’

She pauses and bites her finger while she mulls something over in her head. She looks up as if she has made up her mind. ‘I trust him. Yes, I would trust him if I were you.’

‘Why?’

‘I only met him once but I got good vibes from him. I liked him. In fact, let’s all go out next week. I’d like to know him better.’

‘OK.’

‘We’ll go to Annabel’s. I’ll watch him carefully.’

The thought of Lana watching Jaron closely makes me laugh.

‘We are free on Wednesday and Thursday night. Ask him to choose a night.’

‘Fine, I’ll ask him tomorrow.’

‘Why? Where is he now?’

‘Monte Carlo.’

‘Doing what?’

‘I don’t know and I don’t want to know.’ I sound rational and objective, but only I know that it is a total lie. I’d kill Bambi to know.

Our dumplings arrive and that thread of conversation is lost in the commotion of feeding Sorab, and tucking into lumps of unrecognizable meats stuffed into pretty shapes.

By the time we part it is nearly four o’clock. I take Sorab home with me. I feed him, mess about with him, then chuck him in the bath, and let him fall asleep in my lap. By eight thirty he is sound asleep in his cot and I sit and work until his parents come to pick him up at nearly midnight. Lana looks flushed. I know that look. I grin knowingly at her and she is such a little innocent she turns an even darker shade of red. I watch Blake pick up his sleeping son and for the first time in my life wonder if I will ever have children or a husband.

After they are gone, I feel strangely restless. I wonder what Jaron is doing and why he has not called. And always at the back of mind is the nagging question—why didn’t he take me, has he taken Ebony?

I pull out my pack of cigarettes and go out onto the balcony. I like it out here. The view at night is always pretty. Sliding a cigarette between my lips I light it. I inhale deeply and let the warm, sharp smoke fill my lungs before I exchange it for cool night air. Peace should have surrounded me. But it is not peace. Every day with him another piece of me exposes itself. I am a jigsaw that even I do not know. I suddenly feel cold. I smooth my T. It’s just sex, I tell myself. The more I fuck him the less I will want him. One day soon it will get old. I gaze at the dark sky and contemplate where he might be. What he could be doing. Who he could be fucking.

Fuck him, I think venomously. If he wants to fuck around let him. I don’t give a shit anyway. We’re not exclusive. I’m just having fun. And he is fun. For no apparent reason an image of Ebony’s two-inch talons curled around Jaron’s massive dick flashes into my mind and I actually feel physically sick. I stand from the couch. She must shred her vagina to ribbons every time she uses a tampon, I think bitchily. But the awful feeling of jealousy doesn’t pass.

I switch the TV on, take down the bottle of vodka and start drinking alone, and after a while I feel nicely warm and fuzzy. I switch off the TV. It was doing my head in anyway. Immediately my mind reverts to Jaron.

‘I don’t want…’ I start saying aloud and then I catch myself on the verge of a confused, drunken confession to thin air.

‘Better go to bed,’ I mutter and stagger toward the bedroom. The balcony door is open but I am too lazy to stumble over there and mess about with the sliding lock. It’s a safe area. There are never any robberies around here. None that I know of, anyway.

I brush my teeth and catch my own reflection. I look pale. ‘Who’s with you tonight?’ Fucking cheating snake. I stumble into the bedroom and fall into bed feeling furious and impotent. I really should have closed the balcony door. My last thought is… Bastard.