ChapterOne
RAVEN
“If only you had the courage …”
“What areyou wearing to Rosa’s party tonight?” Cindy asks, swinging her long shapely legs onto her manager’s desk and wiggling her flawlessly manicuredtoes.
“I’m not going,” I say, reaching for the packet of salt and vinegar crisps lying on the table.
“Why not?” she demands, her eyes flashing.
I tear the packet open. “Bed for me. I’m whacked.”
She looks at me impatiently. “You’re too tired to attend the hottest, biggest bash of theyear?”
“It’s true, I am exhausted. I didn’t sleep very well last night, and anyway, what does it matter if I don’t go? It’s not like Rosa and I are close. As a matter of fact, she doesn’t even likeme.”
She stares at me. “Why do you keep saying that? It’s just nottrue.”
I shrug. “Whatever.”
“I don’t know where you got the impression that Rosa doesn’t like you from, but you’re wrong,” she insists.
I pop a crisp into my mouth, crunching down with a sigh. “How come she never calls methen?”
“You know how it is with her. She’s superbusy.”
I look at her meaningfully. “For the last five years?”
Her eyes narrow. She obviously did not realize Rosa and I have not spoken for years. “Did something happen between youguys?”
I shake my head and keep my voice casual. “Nope. When Star and I fell out, she decided to stay friends with Star and notme.”
She looks at me curiously. “What happened between you and Star? The four of us were the best of friends, then one day you two were no longer on speaking terms. She won’t talk about it and neither willyou.”
I force a smile. “Yeah, well. I guess it’s all water under the bridgenow.”
She scrunches up her nose. “Actually, she asked about you the other night.”
I feel a flash of pain in my chest. The hurt is still there. I loved Star once. “Yeah?”
“Hmmm. She asked how you were doing.”
We were all in school together. The four of us. Star, Rosa, Cindy and me. We went everywhere together. We said we’d be friends forever. We even did that stupid thing of pricking our thumbs and mixing our blood. That time feels like a dream now. Unreal and faded around the edges.
How young and carefree we were. At eleven we thought the whole world was our oyster. Star wanted to be an author, Rosa wanted to be something important in the fashion industry, Cindy wanted to be a businesswoman, and I wanted to be a doctor.
Yeah, well, I was young. I was good at biology, and I didn’t know what awaitedme.
It all fell apart after Star found Nigel. Rosa went off to America to do her internship. I gave up my studies to help take care of my sister when she got cancer, and Cindy went on to get her university degree.
I look down at the crisps inside the packet. “Is Star coming tonight?”
“No, she’s been flown away to France in her new billionaire lover’s private jet,” she says in a dreamy voice.
I can’t help it. I pick at the scab and make the wound bleed. “So … her marriage to Nigel is definitely … over?”
“Dead and buried, thank god. Good riddance to that blood sucking tick.” Cindy’s voice has lost all its softness. It is hard with dislike.
I nod and pretend to be disinterested. “Is she … happy?”
“Deliriously.”
“That’s good. I’m happy for her.” True. I am happy for her. I hope she’s found real happiness this time. I don’t begrudge her that. I put Star out of my mind. That was all in the past. She’s found her dream and I have my life to sortout.
“We seem to have gone off on a tangent here,” Cindy says. “Why won’t you come to the party tonight, Raven?”
“I told you, I’m tired.” I stuff my mouth with a couple more crisps and chomp atthem.
“Bullshit. You’re letting life pass you by. Before you know it, you’ll be dropping your teeth into a glass of water beforebed.”
“I wonder what rubbing my gums together will feellike?”
She gives me an exasperated stare. “Be serious, Raven. You have to come tonight. You’ll kick yourself if you don’t. It’s going to be wall to wall with hot male models.”
“I hate to break it to you, but most male models aregay.”
“Some, Raven. Some of them are gay. The rest are game. David Gandy is notgay.”
“David Gandy is in a long-term relationship,” I say flatly.
“I know that. I wasn’t suggesting you put out the red carpet for him. I was using him to illustrate the fact that there are gorgeous male models who prefer pussy todick.”
I sigh. “That’s a bit of a disputable point since I don’t think any gorgeous male model is going to want me when he has access to the most beautiful girls in the world.”
She smiles slowly. “I bet I can make at least one male model turn and look atyou.”
I roll my eyes. “What’re you going to do? Decorate my head with a fire cracker and sparklers?”
She shakes her head and spears me with the look that I hate. When Cindy gets that look, I watch out. She means business.
“No, but the real question is, do you accept the challenge ornot?”
“No, I don’t accept the challenge. You’re not going to get me thatway.”
“As your manager, I command you to go,” she says sternly.
“Look, I know you mean well and everything, Cin, but I can’t go even if I wantedto.”
“Why?”
“Janna,” Isay.
Janna is my niece. When my sister passed away three years ago, Janna’s biological father didn’t want anything to do with his kid, and since my mum had her hands full taking care of my disabled dad, I promised to take on the responsibility of bringing herup.
Cindy looks at me expressionlessly. “Janna is asleep at Bertha’s and she will remain sleeping until the morning.”
While I’m working, Janna stays with Bertha, the sweet old lady living in the apartment next door. When I get home, I use my own set of keys to slip into her spare room, pick up Janna’s sleeping body and carry her back to the apartment I share with Cindy. Bertha appreciates the money and it means I can carry on earning a decent wage working as a croupier in The Diamond Rose Casino where Cindy is the manager.
“I’m supposed to tell Bertha if I want Janna to spend the whole night at her place,” I remind Cindy.
“As if she willmind”
For some weird reason, an image of my sister flashes into my mind. Skeletal and hairless, she is holding my hands tightly in hers, asking me, “Do you mind very much?” Despite all the sacrifices, there has not been a moment when I have regretted my decision to bring Janna up as my own daughter.
No, Octavia, darling. I don’t mind at all. I didn’t mind then and I don’t mindnow.
Three years have passed, but thinking of her asking me that stupid question still makes my eyes fill with tears. I look down quickly and blink them away before Cindy seesthem.
I clear my throat. “Bertha has been really kind and I don’t want to take thepiss.”
“Take the piss? What are you talking about? It’s not like it’s going to be any trouble for her at all. Janna always sleeps right through.”
I look up at Cindy. “What if she wakes up in the night and wantsme?”
“Do you know how much of a little shit she is going to feel when she grows up and realizes that auntie Raven missed out on sex for years because of her? It’s been so long now I bet even your vibrator tells you, you should see other people.”
I roll my eyes. “My vibrator loves me. It just needs new batteries.”
“What’s the big plan?” she asks aggressively. “You’re going to stay in every night with your vibrator until Janna becomes a woman?”
I dust the salt from my fingers. “I don’t have a plan. For the moment, I’m just happy as Iam.”
“Girl, you can be just as happy with some dick insideyou.”
I sigh. “I don’t have anything to wear, anyway.”
“If you had would yougo?”
It seems a moot question since I didn’t bring any party clothes to work, and neither did Cindy. Also, it was Friday night and I still had a full shift to finish. “I might consider it,” I tell her cautiously.