Chapter Twenty-Eight
RAVEN
I sleep badlyand wake up to a silent, empty phone.
I pretend to be bright and happy in front of Janna, but after I take her to Tuesday preschool, I return to the apartment in a confused, dazed state. Did I imagine the connection between us? Is he just a very efficient player after all? Another part of me jumps in, absolutely refusing to believe it. Nobody can pretend like that. What we had wasreal.
I switch on the TV and flick through the channels without any interest.
I yawn and it occurs to me I’m tired. Maybe I should sleep for a bit. I stand in front of the door to my bedroom and know there is no use going in, I will never be able to relax. I am too tense and unhappy.
I need to talk to Cindy, but she is still asleep.
I walk to the kitchen and take out a carton of ice cream from the freezer. I put three scoops into a bowl and suddenly tears start running down my face. I sink into a chair and stare unseeing out of the window.
“Don’t cry, Raven. You’ll be all right. Everything will be all right,” I whisper fiercely.
I cover my eyes with my palms and take deep calming breaths. Don’t cry. No, I won’t cry. I fell too fast and too hard. I’m not being rational. He could have a perfectly good reason. He mustdo.
Maybe his phone has been stolen or lost abroad. Or he could be sick. Something could have happened. I shouldn’t jump to the worst conclusions so quickly. I cling to that comforting belief even though in my heart, I know his phone is not lost or stolen, and nothing has happened to him that will stop him from picking up his phone and answeringme.
“Hey,” Cindy calls from the doorway.
My palms fall away from my eyes and I turn to her. She is still wearing her pajamas and her hair is tousled. She takes in my unhappy face in one glance, but she keeps her voice steady and practical. I love that about her. Everything is solvable. No drama is worthit.
“Are you eating ice cream at this time of the morning?”
“He hasn’t called,” I say, diving rightin.
Her eyes widen slightly. “No?”
“Not even one lousy text since he dropped meoff.”
Her chest rises and falls in a sigh. “Want to tell me what happened?”
I nod, feeling bad that I am throwing all this at her before she even has a chance to wake up properly.
“Let me just get some coffee first. You know what happens when I don’t get my caffeine fix in the morning,” she says heading towards the kettle.
I jump up. “No, you sit down. Let me make it.” It will be better for me to do something with my hands. I make a mug of coffee, place it in front of her, and take the seat across from her. She curls her hands around the hot mug, takes a sip, and looks atme.
“Okay, hit me with the worst.”
I tell her about the weekend, the great sex, and that deep connection I felt existed between us, but I don’t tell her about finding him staring up at the moon through the window that night. Seeing a man who so protects his privacy that unguarded and vulnerable still feels like an intrusion. Telling someone else would feel like I was completely breaking his trust. Not that he actually confided in me or anything like that, but even taking me to the castle was his way of showing me a part of himself.
“I don’t understand what could be wrong, Cin. I miss him so much and I can’t bear the thought that this could be the end. What if he never calls me back or I never see him again?”
“Aren’t you being too dramatic? He hasn’t disappeared into the ether. He did tell you he was going away on a businesstrip.”
I widen my eyes in surprise. “Since when does going on a trip mean you can’t give a girl a call, or reply to her text messages?”
She lifts her palms in a conciliatory gesture. “You’re right. I agree with you that he should have called and replied to your texts, but before you get on your high horse you have to see the big picture.”
“What big picture?” I demand. “I know for a fact that if any man did that to you, you’d cross him off your list forgood.”
“Yes, but I’ve never gone out with a man like Konstantin.”
“What do youmean?”
“He’s different. There’s something deep about him. He didn’t come across as a wham, bam, thank you, ma’am kind of player. I can’t believe he’s had enough. That look he gave you when he dropped you off was, I’ll admit, complicated, but it was also so full of raw emotion it made my hairs stand onend.”
“Really?” I ask, clutching at the straw that someone else witnessed the connection I was beginning to think I had imagined.
She nods slowly. “Absolutely. You’re almost certainly right that something is wrong, but it’s not because he doesn’t want you anymore. Maybe he has a legitimate reason for not getting back to you. Or perhaps he has issues. You know, commitment stuff.”
I think of how I told him I loved him. Oh, what a prize jackass I’ve been. Fool. Fool. Fool. He was telling me in so many ways that he needed space and time, but I just ignored all of it, blundered in with talk of love. I’ve probably scared the living daylights out of him. The tears start burning the backs of my eyes, which pisses meoff.
This is exactly why I didn’t want to date anyone. It complicates everything. I dash away the tears roughly. “I’m not cut out for this bullshit, Cin. Really, I’m not. Maybe I just need to go back to focusing on Janna. I was happy when it was just the two ofus.”
“Oh, Raven. Never dating again isn’t the answer.”
I stare at her gentle eyes. “If I can’t have him I don’t want anybody else. I know I won’t find what I had with him with anyone else. I know that without a shadow of a doubt, Cin.”
“Look. You’re already in this. Why not just wait for a few more days and see what happens? As far as I’m concerned this show isn’t over. I haven’t written him off yet. Not by a long shot, but even if we take the worst-case scenario and he turns out to be a complete jerk, he made you happy for a little while. He got you to go somewhere besides the park and the casino. That’s a good thing, Raven.”
“Is it really?” I ask bitterly.
“You had fun, didn’tyou?”
I shrug, feeing heartbroken. “Yes, I had fun, but I didn’t go into this for fun. I never wanted a casual fling with some random guy. I felt something with him. Something real. From the first day there was something there. I thought I was getting that vibe from him too. I even let him meet Janna. That’s how much I felt forhim.”
Cindy sighs wearily. “Maybe he felt all the same lovey-dovey stuff for you too, and it scared him. Guys are like that. If things move too quickly, they put the brakes on and don’t really think about how deeply it affects the woman in the meantime.”
I try to process what she just said. When it comes to dating, Cindy is a bit of an expert. All the men she dates fall hard for her and she is the one who always breaks it off. Her mantra is: the more you love them the less they love you so she never gets very emotionally attached to any of the men she dates.
“Actually, isn’t that exactly what you do to the men you date?” I ask, and attempt a weak titter, but it fails miserably. I’m too fragile rightnow.
“Yeah, I guess it is,” she admits.
“I don’t know what to do. Should I give him his space? Keep messaging him? Ignore him if he finally does contactme?”
“Depends on how much you like him.” She pauses. “And how petty you want tobe.”
“What would you do in this situation?”
“I don’t know how I’d react with a guy like him, but I’d trust that he wasn’t calling because of something deep and complicated. I’d definitely give him a bit of time, but I’d have a cut-off point in my head. A piece of rope. He can go so far, then I’m yanking it away and that would be the end of us andhim.”
I think on this a moment. “If he doesn’t answer … that would mean all he wanted wassex.”
“Not necessarily. That reasoning is too simple for a guy like that. I would be thinking up more complicated scenarios.”
“Likewhat?”
“I don’t want to speculate. Let’s wait and see, huh?”
I look at her curiously. “You’re supposed to be cheering meup,”
She smiles. “I’m getting there. Just taking the scenic route.”
“It’s not very scenic from where I am sitting,” I grumble.
“Just think. A man like that. With his looks and money, does he really need to chase any woman? They must be fainting at his feet all the time. Be patient. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You went with your gut and put all your cards on the table. Let’s see what he comes backwith.”
She’s right. I’ll give him a chance. Konstantin and I had a connection, which is why this hurts so much. I want to spend as much time with him as I can and I don’t understand why he won’t.
“How long would you wait for him?” I ask, my voice squeezed tight with the sobs building in my chest. I don’t want to cry over him. After Octavia died, I thought I’d never stop being sad, but even that overwhelming sadness came to an end. If I never see Konstantin again, I know I’ll get over it eventually, but the spark of hope for the future that he kindled in me will die withhim.
“Give him at least a day or two, Raven. Let him work through whatever stuff is going on with him. If he’s dumb enough to let you go, then he doesn’t deserve to be in your life anyway.”
I drop my head. Nothing she’s said has comforted me. The fear that I will never see him again is too immense. The idea devastates me. I cannot explain it to her. For all her experience she has never been in love. “Thanks, Cindy,” I say. My voice is hoarse from holding back the tears.
“Dating is hard,” she says softly, “but if you really like this guy then at least give him the time to realize he hit the damn jackpot when he jumped in to save your ass that night in the alleyway.”
My lips tremble into a smile. “I guess he did saveme.”
“I think that earns him a little leeway, doesn’tit?”
“Yeah,” I mumble.
“And … just for the record, you’ve seen him without his clothes and that’s something. I’d pay good money to see that guy naked.” She makes an appreciative noise.
I hack out a laugh. Mum always said don’t go around spreading your misery. She’s tried her best to comfort me and failed, so I’ll just suck it up and pretend. “Sorry, Cindy. I love you, but I’m not sharing.”
“Bitch!” she says with a smile, but the smile doesn’t quite reach hereyes.
I guess I haven’t fooled her and she hasn’t fooledme.