Lovely Darkness (Creeping Beautiful)

So I don’t like the word ‘delusional.’ But I don’t want her—or anyone, actually—to figure out how much it bothers me that my childhood is missing even though I’m standing in the very place it happened. So I calm myself, and with a better, more controlled voice, I say, “Explain.”

“You have to be delusional. You’re smart. Super smart. They made us this way. I don’t know what your IQ is, but mine is one sixty-seven. And Chek was pretty straight with me as a kid. But Adam and McKay, I dunno.” She shakes her head. “Maybe they were just trying to protect you, but they didn’t do you any favors by hiding the truth.”

Now I’m startin’ to get pissed. Because she’s acting like she’s better than me, and she’s not. I’m the one who bounces back. I’ve got a family, I’ve got a home, and I’ve got a child. She’s the one who can’t fit in, not me. So I say, “What truth is that? Hm?” And yes, it comes out a little bit snotty.

She places her hand on my bare shoulder. It’s cold, even though it’s still in the high eighties tonight. Then she leans in to me, like she’s gonna whisper a secret in my ear, and she says, “We’re not supposed to be here, Indie. Nick Tate was supposed to kill us, and he didn’t. We were supposed to die a long, long time ago but Santos went soft at the last minute and a bunch of us got lucky. That’s all this is.” She waves her hand at the gardens and the house again. “It’s just luck. Santos got soft, and Nick got soft, and you, and me, and Angelica got lucky. But we weren’t supposed to live. Nick’s still killing them. Don’t you get it? He never stopped hunting them. But he walks among us like we’re invisible. Like we’re safe, Indie. And we’re not.”

I pull away from her. Because the name Nick Tate always came with a warning. Stay away from him. Keep out of his way. Don’t let him get you. And now he’s staying in my house. So her little rant sends a chill up my back. All the way up to my neck, until the little hairs back there are stickin’ straight up.

“What am I supposed to do with this information, Wendy? Hmm? What are you even saying? That Nick is the bad guy? That we need to take him out?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Me?”

“For fuck’s sake, Indie. We’re not going to kill him. I don’t kill people anymore. I haven’t killed anyone in a very long time. That part of my life has been over since Chek died. I’m someone else now.”

“Well, maybe you should introduce me to your brand-new personality because I have no idea who you are right now.”

“That’s because you refuse to hear me. You’re not listening. You’re stuck in this… this… this delusion. Your cognitive dissonance is really showing right now.”

I laugh out loud. It bounces off something nearby, and then echoes back through the darkness. “My what?”

“Your brainwashing.”

“Wow.” I shake my head. “All I wanted was to stroll in the gardens with you and explain my little plan, thinking you’d be up for an adventure, especially if it came with answers. But now—”

“What plan?”

“But you’re just gettin’ mean. And I don’t like it.”

“‘Brainwashing?’ Was the word that triggered you?”

“It was all three, actually.” I’m a little bit surprised that I’m willing to admit this, but I really do want Wendy to be in on my plan, so I’m gonna push through it. “‘Delusional.’ I don’t like that word. Don’t call me that again. And I know you think you’re so smart, and maybe you think I don’t understand what ‘cognitive dissonance’ means, but I do. It’s not like you weren’t brainwashed too, Wendy. We all were, so don’t be acting all high and mighty with me.”

“OK.” She smiles at me. “You’re delusional, you have a severe case of cognitive dissonance, and you would prefer not to think about your childhood brainwashing. Got it. Any other rules?”

“Why are you being such a bitch?”

“I’m not being a bitch. I’m just telling the truth. You don’t like to hear the truth because you’re stuck in the delusion Adam, McKay, and Donovan put you in.”

“Where is this coming from? I thought you liked Adam.”

“I do. I like Adam a lot or I wouldn’t work for him.”

I let out a frustrated sigh. “Then why are you talking all this shit about him?”

“I’m not talking shit, Indie. I’m just telling you the truth. Why do you think Donovan was brought in? They used him to control you.”

I find myself at a loss for words. So there’s a gap of silence between her last words and her next ones. Which are, “You don’t have anyone like me, do you?”