“Maybe it’s because, when you depend on someone so much, they have the power to fucking crush you. Make you lose any sense of yourself. The identity of yourself is stolen.”
“Or it can be heightened. Highlighted, celebrated. You can’t speak on things you aren’t willing to even try.”
His eyes change, his face showing his deepening anger. “Hanna.” It’s a warning.
“What, Theo?”
“You said you could do this. You are crossing a line.”
I roll my eyes and grab my phone. “No, Theo. I’m just trying to get to know you. You say I thrive and become the person I want to be when we are deep in the throes of passion. But I think you’re the real you when you are deep in the aftercare. I saw a side of you that I think you could possibly enjoy. That doesn’t mean it would be with me.” Inside, I’m screaming, scolding myself. I don’t believe I’m falling in love, but I do care for him.
How could any sane person do the things we have done and not at least have some sort of deep care for each other? Why does it always boil down to love? Why can’t they be separate? Why can’t care be care and love be love?
“I’m taking you home.” He climbs out of the truck.
“No thanks. You got what you needed here, and clearly we can only seem to fuck, and conversation is off the table. I will walk home.” And I hit the ground running, my feet moving fast. I hear him hollering after me, but I ignore him. I don’t need his shit tonight.
I tried not once but twice to simply get to know him, but all it comes back to is sex and the rules that we can’t be anything more. He gave me one moment into his past, and it was heartbreaking but deep and beautiful. How can he give me that and then nothing more?
“Hanna!” he yells after me as I head down the first road to get to the main one. Making it there, I pull out my phone and enter my address, since I have no idea where I am.
“Hanna, get your ass back here.”
I flip him the bird over my shoulder. I don’t bother looking back, but I know there is no way he was able to get dressed that fast. I hear the roar of his truck, and I pick up speed as if that will do me any good. I can’t outrun a truck, but hell if I won’t try.
Within less than a minute, his truck pulls up next to me, and he slams it into park. When he gets out and grabs me, I see he’s still in his unbuttoned jeans and boots, his shirt and hat nowhere on him. Shirtless and all, he grabs me and tosses me over his shoulder.
“You egomaniac!” I scream as he does this.
“You stubborn pain in my ass. Why do you keep starting fights with me whenever it gets to be too much?” He slaps my ass and rounds the truck, throwing me in the cab. “You try and get out of this truck, Hanna, and I swear…” he warns, and when I right myself, I look at him to tell him to piss off, but his eyes—they’re dark, his face filled with rage. Red with veins protruding from his forehead and neck.
I gulp. He looks murderous, and I’m on the receiving end. I bite back my words and stay put. When he sees I don’t plan on going anywhere, he slams the door, and I watch him stalk back around to the driver seat.
Climbing in, he yanks the door closed and then brings his fist down hard on the steering wheel. The slam makes not only me jump but the truck move.
“You make me so frustrated. You get under my skin, and I don’t want you there,” he tells me.
“Then why the hell am I in this truck? Why did you chase me down like a psychopath?” I match his rage. I’m not going to let him hold all the cards here.
“You tell me, Hanna. You fucking tell me. Because I don’t seem to know what the hell you’re doing to me.”
“I’m just existing here. I showed up to run away from literally nothing and no one, and then you come in and screw it all up!” I cross my arms over my chest, and I feel the tears coming. So much for standing my ground and not letting him see he is doing the same thing to me.
“Tell me now. Are you falling in love with me, Hanna?” He keeps his gaze focused on the steering wheel, and I gulp.
I don’t want to answer this for two reasons. One, I don’t know if this is becoming love. I’ve never had love or been in love, so how would I know? And two, if I am falling in love with Theo, could admitting it end it all and take away what we have? Both things, I’m unsure of. Both things, I’m terrified of.