“Leaving so soon? You just got back.” Ren sounds amused, stretched out on the couch, watching me stalk past on my way out of the apartment. I tell myself I’m going to check on her and make sure she’s well. I’m genuinely concerned since she ought to know better than to leave me hanging. That’s a big part of why my shoes slap against the floor like it insulted me somehow.
The rest is outrage. Me, of all people. She’s going to ignore me. Nobody ignores me.
I pound on her door, not caring if any of the faculty hears. “Aspen. It’s me.” At least she doesn’t keep me waiting long, flinging the door open and glaring at me.
“Oh, you’re alive. That’s good to know.”
It’s only for the sake of discretion that I’m able to keep my voice low. “You would know I’m alive if you would check your phone. I’ve texted and called.”
“I just got out of the shower and was drying my hair.” At least she isn’t lying. The smell of shampoo is stronger than usual when I enter the room, and her hair is silky soft and smooth as she brushes past me. “But forgive me for not being at your beck and call. When you couldn’t bother answering a text from me today to tell me you were alive, at least.”
“When did it become a rule that I have to jump every time you snap your fingers?”
She sighs and flops down on the couch, looking defeated. “It’s not a rule. You don't owe me anything. I just worry when you ignore me.”
“I wouldn’t ignore you.” It never occurred to me she’d take it this hard. “Don’t make more out of this than there needs to be.”
“It’s more than that,” she admits. “My whole day basically revolves around you. Yes, I go to class and hang out with Brittney, but that’s not what I look forward to. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost without you. When I can’t talk to you, I freak out.”
Fuck. I didn’t realize how much she depended on me. Pride fills my chest for being needed. For her to trust and want me so much makes me almost happy. But knowing that there is no way this arrangement can be permanent puts a huge damper on my joy.
“Everything I do is for you, but you can’t rely on me for your happiness.”
“You’re all I have.” She shakes her head slowly, mournfully. “You just disappeared.”
“I was gone for half the day. That’s not the same as disappearing.”
“I didn’t know when you would be back or if you would ever come back.”
“I wouldn’t just leave like that.”
She barks out a sad, bitter laugh. “I guess I’ve just had the rug pulled out from under me one too many times. I expect the worst every time now. Where were you?” she whispers the last part. “Tell me, Q. Unless you’re going to start hiding things from me.”
I doubt she would much enjoy the truth, not yet at least. “I can’t tell you everything, Aspen. Not now, not ever.”
“I know that, but knowing and being content with it are two different things. I don’t know if I can do it.” Rather than blow up at me, she sits on the edge of her bed, hands clutched between her knees. Staring down at them, she asks, “Why are we doing this?”
“We didn’t have to do this. If you had—”
“That’s not what I’m talking about. Why are we doing this?” Using one hand, she gestures back and forth between us, her eyes downcast. “What’s the point? We can’t be seen together. Nobody can know we even speak to each other. I live my days like they’re filler between the times I get to see you. Time I need to pass until the next real, important thing happens. It’s pitiful.”
She raises her eyes, turning her head to look at me with what looks a lot like disappointment. “I can’t spend my life being so dependent on you.”
“I agree. I want to be there for you, but we can’t sneak around forever. I want you to be happy and live your life. I don’t know how you can do that with me around.” None of this is right. Even if, in the end, it would be for the best.
“Tell me something, and be honest: is there a chance of this ever going anywhere? You and me? Is there any possibility of us having a future?”
I wish I could tell her yes, we do. I’m always going to be a part of her life the same as she’ll always be a part of mine. There’s no questioning it, no fighting against it. We’re meant to be.
Convincing myself I can have everything I want in my childish fantasy. I can keep my family safe while seeing Aspen on the side. I can maintain a strange relationship with her in which neither of us can acknowledge the other in public. The truth is, I have to choose one or the other—for her sake.