It wasn’t until we got back to the hotel that I got to thank Remy for setting it up. He’d been what was keeping me standing throughout this nightmare, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to put into words how much it meant to me.
But I tried.
SIXTEEN
SANTANA
I couldn’t be away from Toby anymore. Carrie’s mom was such an amazing person, and she was more than happy for us to call or even FaceTime her to see Bub, but the distance was wearing on me.
Now I understood the anxiety Remy had felt all those months. I needed to see he was okay and be able to hold him.
Pacing back and forth in the waiting room, three days after Sasha had visited with her dads, I tried to fight down the anxiety, but it was hard. Almost everything in my life was out of my control, and I hated it.
Strong arms wound around my waist and stopped me mid-step. “What’s wrong, baby?”
“Nothing’s working. I don’t have a house, my brother’s a mess, I need to hold Bub, and I don’t even know what I’m doing or where I’m going. People have a plan at my age. I mean, I’ll be twenty-four next month, Remy. Twenty-four! My parents were married at that age and were pregnant with Croix. My grandparents were also married, and Merrick was a year old.” I spun around and looked up at him, my hands clenched in his t-shirt on either side of his waist. “I don’t have a plan.”
Seeing that I was close to snapping, Remy picked me up bridal style. “We’ll be back. Tana just needs a break, okay?”
I don’t know who he said it to, but someone squeezed my hand as he carried me out of the room. I kept my head buried in his neck as he walked us through the hospital, thanking people when necessary until he got us to our rental vehicle.
“I need to put you down a minute, baby, so I can unlock the SUV and get the seat as far back as it’ll go. I promise it’ll only take a second.”
He was true to his word and had us safely inside the vehicle in no time, with me on his knee on the passenger side. It was cramped and probably uncomfortable for him, but he never let on once.
“You know, it’s perfectly normal not to have a plan, Tana. It’s also normal for shit to hit the fan periodically and for our lives to become muddled for a while until it’s sorted out.”
“That’s how you felt after Carrie died, isn’t it?”
He was silent for a moment, but then he rubbed his cheek on the top of my head. “Yeah, I guess it is, but Tobe kept shit real for me, so I didn’t freak out.”
I pinched his side. “Liar, you freaked out for eight months.”
“No, I was in new parent anxiety and asshole mode.”
“Tomayto-tomahto.”
Running his fingers through my hair and sifting the strands between them until he hit the end before starting all over again, he soothed me by saying nothing. I loved it when he did this, and it didn’t surprise me that he knew the effect it had on me.
Sometimes words helped, but sometimes just knowing you could say them if you wanted and the person understood when you didn’t say them was the way to go. It was a long-winded way of explaining the alternative, but it made complete sense if you’d ever been in that position.
Staring blindly at the material of his t-shirt, I said, “I think Croix is going to make it.”
“Me, too. I didn’t want to jinx things by saying it sooner, but he’s a strong guy and a fighter. I remember him getting into some shit at school and thinking he should be an MMA fighter.”
I lifted my head so quickly it hit the side of his face. “You what?”
“Yeah, Croix used to get into some shitty situations at school. I thought you guys knew that?”
My mouth opened and closed. I’d known my brother was capable of defending himself, but I hadn’t known this about him. He’d always been the one who never got into trouble and had his shit together out of the three of us.
“I wonder if Mom knows?”
Shrugging, he pushed my hair away from my face. “There was one time—”
“At band camp?”
Sticking his finger in his mouth, he got it wet and stuck it in my ear, making me squeak at the unexpected move.
“Immature reaction for an immature interference.” I snorted and stuck my tongue out at him, enjoying the lighthearted interaction. “Anyway, we had an exchange student from Australia, and one of the football team guys decided he had a crush on her. I can’t for the life of me remember his name, but he was a total blowhard.”