PROLOGUE
ASHTON
One word - DEVASTATION.
That’s the only feeling I can comprehend at this very moment. The only emotion that has my heart and mind in total agreement. It’s been two days since I watched them lower April’s body into the ground. Five whole days since my soul was shattered beyond repair.
How did she come to mean so much to me in such little time?
Yeah, I watched her for a while, in fact from that first chemistry class and yeah, I secretly hoped she liked me too, but I never, for a moment, though she did.
That text I got that night completely threw me at first. I still can’t believe how much time we’ve lost, Maybe if we hadn’t left it so late or I was braver to make a move on her, we could have had something deep. Something real.
Oh, who am I kidding? Fate wanted it this way. Well, fuck you fate, that’s what I say.
I’ll never regret spending those last 72 hours with her. That night, April Estelle took a piece of me that I’ll never get back again. She took it with her the night she passed away.
Two Weeks Later
I have no concentration, my schoolwork that used to take precedence over everything has dropped to the bottom of my priority pile. I don’t care about anything except how much I miss her. Every corner of the school has a part of her. Wherever I turn I see her, wherever I look, I see one of her friends - almost as devastated as me - and I hate them. I hate every person who had more time with April than me.
I can’t breathe.
The school, the closed buildings, and the people are suffocating me when all I can think of is her. I don’t even want to share my pain with any of the people around me. Pain is the only thing I have from her… the pain and the memories.
I can’t function.
Every waking moment fills my mind with April. Being in the same places she was in, going through with my life like she has never existed like she’s never left a mark on me. I can’t go to school; I can’t chat with friends and hear them laugh when my heart is shattered inside. I barely sleep, but when I do I dream about those last moments with her. I can still feel her fragile body beside me, still hear her laugh, still see the undying gleam in her eyes even though she’s been through all that terrible pain. The worst of it - I can still feel her love burning in my heart.
Lying on my bed with my laptop on my legs, watching Step Up - this was her favorite film - I can see us lying there snuggled up together on her hospital bed. We didn’t get to make many memories, but the ones we had are killing me inside.
I shut the laptop down and move it from my lap.
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m going crazy. I need to get away.
Getting a bag from under the bed I move around the room, grabbing some clothes. I throw them in the bag with some essentials and decide to get out of here, some place where it’s peaceful, somewhere that people won’t expect me just to forget her and move on.
Wiping the moisture from my eyes, and I grab the rest of my things and walk out the front door. Fobbing my R8 and throw my stuff into the trunk. I head to the one place I know I can shut myself away and deal with the grief and numbness that has taken over me. I don’t think I’ll ever get over April, but I know I won’t be able to live with this pain and grief with the whole world putting pressure on me to come back to my normal self again, either.
I need to escape.
~*~
Two hours later I’m driving down the winding roads of the mountains, pulling up to the cabin that belongs to my parents. I turn off the engine and rest my head on the headrest of the seat and inhale deeply through my nose before unfolding my large frame from the car and stretch my body out. I push my fingers into my hair and drag my hands down my face, rubbing my weary eyes. I tilt my head back and breathe in another fresh breath of air before I take a look at my surroundings; snow on the mountain tops, wind whistling through the trees - tranquility.
I wish April were here with me right now. She would love it here. I remember hearing her talk to her friends about how she loved cold weather, how it made her feel alive. I wish the cold had been enough to keep her alive, though. The pain puts a lump in my throat again. I can only shake my head, and make my way into the cabin - I don’t want to lose it out there.
The house is just like I remember, a rustic place with the smell of nature and wood. That pine smell. The abandoned look inside pains me, though. The sheets that are protecting the furniture give a ghostly feel to the place. I pull them off and collapse into the softness of the one chair.
We haven’t been up here since I was a kid, so the place is cold - a bit like how I’m feeling at the moment.
I drag my tired body up and lean my elbows on my knees, burying my face in my hands. It feels like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have never thought a person could feel this kind of pain. But mostly, I had never thought such a short amount of time with a girl could cause me this much pain. Even thinking that - it makes me feel bad like I said a bad thing about April because she wasn’t an ordinary girl; she shone brightly among the others and crawled under my skin.
As I let the silent tears trickle from the corners of my eyes I yet again think of the girl who captured my heart and left me irreparably broken. It’s that same girl that doesn’t leave me entirely.
April Estelle.
CHAPTER ONE
APRIL
One word – EMPTY
This is what dying feels like.
A big emptiness in the middle of nowhere. Everything loses its meanings – time, places, and shapes are nothing but words and old meanings.