I sit on the couch where I can watch the door, seconds are slowly and painfully ticking by. With each passing minute that the door isn’t opened my heart pumps with pain and sorrow instead of blood to my body.
Tears are blurring my vision, my body is cold because of my lack of clothes, and I shake with the sobs I keep inside. Anger bubbles inside me under all the pain and I decide to hug it to my chest, wrap it around myself just like an armor as I covered my body with the first clothes I find in my room.
Grabbing my keys, I head for my car, not caring about the pouring rain. It’s giving me a good cover for my tears. I take off to the mountain road as rain hits the car, making it hard for me to see the way in front of me. Grabbing the steering wheel tighter I push back the tears, succeeding for a while, focusing on the road and the life that goes on around the town even though I can’t even breathe.
When I get out of the town, I can’t keep the tears back anymore. I let out the painful scream that was growing inside me since I found the empty spot beside me and push the pedal down, urging the car to move forward.
I’m trying to find my anger and hold onto it, but the frustration and longing has been so dominant I can’t reach anything else behind it.
> I gave him time.
I gave him a choice.
I have never forced him into anything.
I have never pushed him.
I have respected his sorrow, his pain, his loss. I loved his vulnerability, and I loved his love for a woman who wasn’t with him anymore even though that hurt me.
And I wanted him to choose me, come back to me.
He did, but for what?
When he kissed me I placed my heart in his hands, I surrendered myself to him. I did the scariest thing a person can do - I made myself vulnerable to him, I made myself weak for his love.
And he left me… he left me like I was just a huge mistake, a shame he needed to be rid of. But I won’t be silent this time. I won’t let him push me aside like I meant nothing because I saw his eyes; I know he cares, I know he wants to be with me… and I will fight for him this time, I will fight for a future with him even though he wouldn’t be on my side.
With determination, I increased my speed and the next thing I know there’s chaos - a bird hits my windshield, and I pump the brakes, all I hear are the screaming tires, and screams… then the darkness takes me, but it’s full of pain.
CHAPTER TWENTY
ASHTON
Acacia looked so beautiful this morning, beautiful and wild, and all mine. I didn’t want to leave her alone in bed, but the gut feeling inside me was forcing me to have a proper goodbye. It was like an unfinished business that ate me alive. And more, it wasn’t just a goodbye I needed when I woke up beside her. I was happy, and I wanted to share my happiness with the one person I knew would share in my happiness the most.
I wanted to share it with April along with my goodbye. I needed to reassure her that I would be okay in this world without her so she could be happy there so she could smile at my excitement instead of feeling my pain. I know her enough to be sure that she wants me to be happy and not mope after her.
I left Acacia behind, hoping to be back before she even woke up and head toward the city center without minding the long drive in the early morning of a rainy day.
Pulling up at my destination, I sit for a few minutes and take a deep breath in, willing myself to get out of the truck and do what needs to be done. I don’t want to be sad, this is a good day - a happy day.
Getting out of the truck, I breathe in deeply the different smells of this place - the evergreen of the trees, the dampness of the ground. Tightly closing my eyes, I tilt my face up to the sky and feel the fresh cold air on my face; the breeze wraps around me like a blanket, clothing me with comfort.
I walk through the gates and head for April’s final resting place. It’s funny the things you remember when you’re stuck in a world of grief. The exact spot where they are buried, the time, the voices around when they were buried - every single little detail. But then, you find yourself thinking whether they actually wanted it that way.
All April wanted was to enjoy life, but she never had the chance. Maybe fate wanted us both to learn that life does go on… who knows?
I look down at the shiny marble headstone sitting at the top of the grave which reads:
April Estelle
In loving memory of our daughter who was taken from us way too soon.
Rest in Peace our beautiful Angel
Gone but never forgotten.
I kneel down in front of the headstone and place my hand on the marble. I run it across April’s name, and my heart fills with love, not sadness; it knows now how to feel, how to love because April taught me that in our short infinity. This is the closest I can be to her, it’s a pity I couldn’t find the courage to come here before; maybe I wouldn’t have been so confused.