Truly Madly Guilty

Oliver's smile disappeared.

chapter four

Clementine drove out of the library car park in a mild panic, one hand on the steering wheel, the other fiddling with her demister because her windscreen had suddenly, cruelly, fogged over so that it was virtually opaque in places. She was twenty minutes later leaving than she'd planned to be.

After she'd finished her talk, to the usual hesitant, muted applause as if people weren't sure if it was quite appropriate to clap, she'd kept getting caught in conversation as she tried to reach the door (so close but yet so far) through the small but impenetrable group of people now tucking into their complimentary, home-made morning tea. One woman wanted to hug her and pat her cheek. A man, who she later noticed had a barcode tattooed on the back of his neck, was keen to hear her thoughts on the council plans for the swimming pool redevelopment and didn't seem to believe her when she said she wasn't local and therefore really couldn't comment. A tiny white-haired lady wanted her to try a piece of carrot cake wrapped in a pink paper napkin.

She ate the carrot cake. It was very good carrot cake. So there was that.

The windscreen cleared like a small gift and she turned left out of the car park, because left was always her default turn when she had no idea where she was going.

'Start talking,' she said to her GPS. 'You've got one job. Do it.'

She needed the GPS to direct her home fast so she could pick up her cello, before rushing over to her friend Ainsley's place, where she was going to play her pieces in front of Ainsley and her husband Hu. The audition was in two weeks' time. 'So you're still going for this job?' her mother had said last week, in a tone of surprise and possibly judgement, but Clementine heard judgement everywhere these days, so she might have imagined it.

'Yes, I'm still going to audition,' she'd said coldly, and her mother had said nothing further.

She drove slowly, waiting for instructions, but her GPS was silent, mulling things over.

'Are you going to tell me where to go?' she asked it.

Apparently not. She got to a set of lights and turned left. She couldn't just keep turning left, because otherwise she'd be turning in a circle. Wouldn't she? Once she would have gone home and told Sam about this and he would have laughed and teased and sympathised and offered to buy her a new GPS.

'I hate you,' Clementine told the silent GPS. 'I hate and despise you.'

The GPS ignored her and Clementine peered out the window through

the rain, looking for a sign. She could feel the beginnings of a headache because she was frowning so hard.

She shouldn't be here, driving all the way to the other side of Sydney in the rain in this flat, grey, unfamiliar suburb. She should have been at home, practising. That's what she would have been doing.

Wherever she went, whatever she did, part of her mind was always imagining a hypothetical life running parallel to her actual one, a life where, when Erika rang up and said, 'Vid has invited us to a barbeque,' Clementine answered, 'No, thank you.' Three simple words. Vid wouldn't have cared. He barely knew them.

It was not Vid at the symphony last night. It was her mind playing cruel tricks, placing that big head smack-bang in the middle of a sea of faces.

At least she'd been prepared to see Erika today in the audience, although her stomach had still lurched when she'd first caught sight of her, sitting so rigidly in the back row, like she was at a funeral, a flicker of a smile when she'd caught Clementine's eye. Why had she asked to come? It was weird. Did she think it was like seeing Clementine perform? Even if she did think that, it was still out of character for Erika to take time out of her workday to drive all the way out here from North Sydney to hear Clementine share a story she already knew. And then she'd got up and left halfway through! She'd texted to say there was a problem at work, but that seemed unlikely. Surely there was no accounting problem that couldn't wait twenty minutes.

It had been a relief when she left. It had been disconcerting trying to speak with that small intense face pulling her attention like a magnet. At one point the irrelevant, distracting thought had crossed her mind that Erika's fair hair was cut in an identical style to Clementine's mother's. A no-nonsense symmetrical shoulder-length style with a long fringe cut dead straight just above the eyebrows. Erika idolised Clementine's mother. It was either a deliberate or a subconscious imitation, but surely not a coincidence.

She saw a sign pointing towards the city and quickly changed lanes just as the GPS woke up and directed her to 'turn right ahead' in a plummy female English accent.

'Yes, I worked it out myself, thanks anyway,' she said.

The rain started again and she flicked on the wipers.

A piece of rubber on one of the wipers had made its way free and on every third swipe it made a high-pitched screech, like a door slowly opening in a horror movie.

Scre-eech. Two. Three. Scre-eech. Two. Three. It made her think of zombies in a lumbering waltz.

She would call Erika today. Or tomorrow morning. Erika was owed an answer. Enough time had passed. There was only one answer, of course, but Clementine had been waiting for the appropriate time.

Don't think about that now. Think only about the audition. She needed to compartmentalise, as the Facebook articles suggested. Men were supposedly good at compartmentalising; they gave their full attention to whatever they were doing, although in fact Sam had never had a problem 'multi-tasking'. He could make a risotto while unpacking the dishwasher and simultaneously playing some good-for-their-brains game with the girls. Clementine was the one who wandered off, picked up her cello and then forgot she had something in the oven. She was the one who had once (mortifyingly) forgotten to pick Holly up from a birthday party, something Sam would never do. 'Your mother walks around in a permanent daze,' Sam used to say to the girls, but he said it fondly, or she thought he had. Maybe she'd imagined the fondness. She could no longer be sure what anyone truly thought of her: Her mother. Her husband. Her friend. Anything seemed possible.

She thought again of her mother's comment: 'So you're still going for this job?' She'd never put in this many practice hours for an audition, even before the children were born. All that self-indulgent whining she used to do: I'm a working mother with two small children! Woe is me! There just aren't enough hours in my day! In fact there were plenty more hours in the day if you just slept less. Now she went to bed at midnight instead of ten pm, and got up at five instead of seven.

Living on less sleep gave her a not unpleasant, mildly sedated feeling. She felt detached from all aspects of her life. She had no time anymore to feel. All that time she used to waste feeling, and analysing her feelings, as if they were a matter of national significance. Clementine feels extremely nervous about her upcoming audition! Clementine doesn't know if she's good enough. Well, hooly-dooly, stop the presses, let's research audition nerves, let's talk earnestly with musician friends, let's get constant reassurance.

Stop it. The endless self-mockery of the person she used to be was not especially productive either. Spend your time focusing on questions of technique. She searched her mind for a distracting technical problem - for example, the fingering for the opening arpeggio of the Beethoven. She kept changing her mind. The trickier option could pay off with a better musical result, but the risk was that she'd make a mistake when she was under pressure.