Truly Madly Guilty

Tiffany shoved everything including the book back into the drawer. Obviously she wouldn't say anything to Dakota now, not when they were just about to leave for the Information Morning.

She put it out of her mind for later.

chapter twenty-six

The day of the barbeque

Sam said 'Erika!' Clementine clapped her hand over her mouth as if to grab back her words and then quickly dropped it as evidence of her guilt. Her stupidity and thoughtlessness were beyond belief.

'Oh! Hi! Thanks!' she said as Erika came into the room and handed her the nappy bag. 'How did you guess we needed that? Is Holly okay?'

As she babbled, she frantically rewound the conversation. What could Erika have overheard? Anything? All of it? Oh God, not the part about being 'repulsed'. It was her tone that was the worst. The tone of contempt.

She kept talking, talking as if she could somehow conceal what she'd said with layers of new conversation. 'Dakota took her to see the dog kennel or something. She wants a puppy for her birthday. Don't you dare give her one, will you, only joking, I know you wouldn't. Isn't this house amazing? I bet even the dog kenne

l is five-star!'

From behind Erika, Sam widened his eyes and ran his finger across his throat.

'Tiffany wants us all to go outside to the cabana,' said Erika. She sounded dry and cool as usual. Maybe she hadn't heard anything.

'I'll go back down, check on Holly,' said Sam. 'You right with Ruby?'

'Of course I'm right with Ruby,' said Clementine. He always did that when he left her with one or both of the girls, as if he needed to confirm that she would indeed remember to take care of her own children.

'Where are you going to change her?' Erika looked around.

This was what rich people called a media room. There were leather couches facing the laughably gigantic screen on the wall. Sam had just about lost his mind with envy when he saw it.

'Oh God,' said Clementine. 'I don't know. The floor, I guess.' She started laying out the change mat and wipes. 'Everything looks so expensive, doesn't it?'

'I'm stinky,' said Ruby. She tilted her head seductively as if being stinky were something to be prized.

'Yes, you are,' said Clementine.

'Wasn't Holly toilet-trained by this age?' asked Erika as Clementine changed Ruby.

'We've been putting it off,' admitted Clementine. Normally she would have been annoyed by the implied criticism in Erika's question, but now she was anxious to humbly admit her failure, as if that would somehow acquit her of the nasty things she'd said. (My God, she'd complained about the size of the cheese.)

'Once you start you've got to commit, and you're sort of stuck at home, you can't go anywhere - well, you can, but it's tricky ... and, um, but we're all set, we've got her big-girl undies ready, haven't we, Ruby? And we thought, after we get my audition and Holly's birthday party and Sam's parents' ruby wedding anniversary out of the way, we'd commit.'

Shut up, shut up, shut up. She couldn't stop talking.

'Right,' said Erika blankly. Normally she would have had an aggravating counter-opinion. Ever since Ruby and Holly were babies Erika had been reading parenting articles relevant to their ages and passing on tips about 'milestones'. Clementine had always believed this was evidence of Erika's obsessive, bordering on strange, interest in Clementine's life, not her interest in having children of her own. How self-obsessed she'd been.

'Up!' demanded Ruby as soon as Clementine had finished changing her. She held out her arms to Erika, and Erika lifted her onto her hip. 'Over there!' Ruby thrust her body to one side to indicate which direction Erika should head, as if she were astride a recalcitrant horse.

'You're a bossy little thing,' said Erika as she took Ruby closer to the bookshelf, where Clementine could see a porcelain doll that Ruby was hoping she could get her hands on.

'Oh, that's what you want! I don't think we can let you touch that,' said Erika, and she twisted her body away so that Ruby's outstretched hands couldn't grab the doll.

Erika's eyes met Clementine's over the top of Ruby's head. There was something a little unfocused and strange about the way she looked at Clementine, but she didn't seem hurt or angry. She mustn't have heard. She wouldn't have just lurked outside the door listening. That wasn't Erika's style. She would have barged right in to hand over the nappy bag, to show up their incompetence, to prove how much better she'd be at this than them.

Clementine watched Erika bend her forehead tenderly towards Ruby's and she felt choked with guilt for her lack of generosity.

But she still couldn't - she wouldn't - do what they'd asked.

I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. She bent down to put the change mat back in the nappy bag, and she realised it wasn't Erika she was mentally addressing but her mother: I've been kind, I've been good, but that's enough now, don't make me do this too.