Truly Madly Guilty

Merilyn bore a startling resemblance to a secretary who had worked for Erika for many years, and was correctly, appropriately, called Pat. That particular type of (round, rosy) face and the name Pat were therefore linked together forever in Erika's subconscious and every time she looked at her psychologist she had to remind herself: Not Pat.

'This rain really is extraordinary, isn't it?' said Not Pat, looking out the window.

There was no way Erika was going to waste a minute of paid time dis

cussing the weather, so she ignored that fatuous remark and launched straight in.

'So whenever I get invited to someone's place, I always take a jar of chocolate nuts,' she said. 'Chocolate almonds.'

'Yum,' said Not Pat cheerily.

'I'm not that keen on them myself,' said Erika.

Not Pat tilted her head. 'Why do you take them then?'

'Clementine's mother used to take chocolate nuts whenever she went to someone's place,' said Erika. 'I think she bought them in bulk. She was quite thrifty like that.'

'She was like a role model for you,' suggested Not Pat.

'They used to invite me to come with them,' said Erika. 'To barbeques and ... things. I always said yes. I was always so happy to get out of my house.'

'That's understandable,' said Not Pat. She was looking at Erika curiously.

'I'm doing that thing my mum does when she tells a story,' said Erika. 'She rambles. She can't stick to the point. I read that it's quite common with hoarders. They can't keep their conversation in order any better than their homes.'

'Rambling is good,' said Not Pat. 'Actually, I think you're circling. I think you're coming to something.'

'Well, you know, chocolate nuts aren't really an appropriate hostess gift anymore,' said Erika. 'Because of allergies. Everyone has allergies these days. Once Clementine looked at my jar of nuts and said, "You can tell you don't have kids, Erika." '

'Did that offend you?'

'Not especially,' said Erika, considering. 'You would think it would have because we'd just that day found out that we'd failed another round of IVF. Clementine didn't know that, of course. She would have felt terrible for saying that if she'd known.'

Not Pat tilted her head even further, like a cute little Disney chipmunk listening out for something in the woods. 'You went through IVF? Or you're going through IVF?'

'I know it's strange that I haven't mentioned it up until now,' said Erika defensively.

'Not strange,' said Not Pat. 'But I do find it interesting.'

'About eight weeks ago,' said Erika, 'we had a barbeque at our next-door neighbour's place.'

'Okay,' said Not Pat.

Watch me circle, Not Pat.

'Yesterday,' said Erika, 'my husband found our neighbour's body.' She wondered if she was doing this on purpose. This was what her mother did. She threw people off balance for the pleasure of watching them wobble. It was fun.

Not Pat definitely wobbled. She was probably regretting right now that she'd agreed to this emergency appointment. 'Um. The neighbour who had the barbeque?'

'No,' said Erika. 'He was on the other side of them. He was an old man. Not an especially nice man. He didn't have friends or family. Everyone is feeling terrible because his body was there for weeks. Except I'm not feeling terrible.'

'Why is that, do you think?'

'I don't want to feel terrible,' said Erika impatiently. 'I don't have time to feel terrible. I don't have the ... space in my head. Look, I don't even know why I mentioned that. It's not relevant. Anyway, we've given up on the IVF because my eggs are rotten, and before the barbeque, we asked Clementine if she would donate eggs to me. To us.'

Not Pat nodded bravely. 'How did she react?'

'Something happened at the barbeque,' said Erika.