Nine Perfect Strangers

‘You yourself are very handsome,’ said Frances to Lars. ‘Devastatingly handsome, in fact.’

Lars always felt fondly towards people who were unequivocal in their acknowledgement of his looks.

‘That’s kind of you,’ he said modestly. ‘I can’t take credit for it. I come from a long line of devastatingly handsome men.’

‘I feel like giving us drugs without our permission must be against the law,’ said Jessica.

Of course it’s against the law, you twit, thought Lars.

‘Please don’t call me a twit,’ said Jessica.

Lars’s blood ran cold. She could read his mind and she was extraordinarily wealthy. She now had the capacity to take over the world for her own nefarious purposes.

‘We’re here for couples counselling,’ said Jessica to Masha. ‘We paid for couples counselling. This is all just pointless for us.’

‘This will have a profound impact on your marriage,’ said Masha. ‘You and Ben won’t be separated on your journey. You will sit together and experience this as a couple.’ Masha indicated one of the clusters of cushions in the corner. ‘Your smoothies contained a different formula from everyone else’s. We studied the research carefully and we found that MDMA was the best –’

‘Ecstasy,’ snapped Heather. ‘She means ecstasy. She’s given you a party drug. Unbelievable. Kids die every year after taking ecstasy tablets, but don’t let that bother you.’

‘You’re being kind of a downer about all this, Mum,’ said Zoe.

‘Let’s go,’ said Ben to Jessica. He held out his hand to his wife and looked at Masha. ‘We’re leaving.’

‘Just . . . hold on.’ Jessica didn’t take his hand.

‘Again, when used in a controlled environment, MDMA is perfectly safe. It has been trialled for prescription psychotherapy with great success to treat PTSD, social anxiety and for couples therapy!’ said Masha. ‘There has never been a single death or even a single adverse reaction to a clinically administered dose of MDMA.’

‘This is not a clinical setting!’ cried Heather.

Masha ignored her. ‘MDMA is an empathogen. It produces feelings of empathy and openness.’

‘It is a very nice experience, you guys,’ said Lars lovingly.

Masha gave him a disapproving look. ‘But this is not about dancing all night at a club. This is guided therapy. You will find, Ben and Jessica, that you become more sensitive to feelings and more accepting of each other’s views. You’re about to communicate in a way you’ve probably never communicated before.’

‘Consent,’ said Napoleon. ‘I feel like that’s what’s missing here. I feel like . . . I’m pretty sure . . .’ He held up a finger. ‘I read the paperwork very carefully, and I feel certain we did not consent to this.’

‘No, we fucking did not,’ said Tony.

Jessica stuck one of her long, fake fingernails in her mouth and chewed.

Careful, thought Lars. Those things look sharp.

‘What things look sharp?’ Jessica frowned at Lars, and then turned to Ben. ‘Maybe we should give it a go?’

Ben, who was still on his feet, shook his head, his eyes fixed on a far-off horizon only he could see. ‘I did not choose this,’ he said again. ‘Drugs are dangerous. Drugs are bad. Drugs ruin lives.’

‘I know, babe,’ said Jessica, looking up at him. ‘But maybe we should just go with it?’

‘I think you two should go for it,’ said Lars. ‘I’ve seen a lot of bad marriages, but I think your marriage has . . .’ There was a fine word he needed to finish his fine sentence but it had escaped his brain.

The word swooped about between Jessica and Ben like a frisky butterfly before it landed, quivering, on Tony’s hand. Lars leaned forward and read it.

‘Potential!’ he said. ‘I think your marriage has potential.’

Time slowed, and then snapped back to normal pace.

Delilah stood right in front of him. She’d teleported herself, the clever minx.