Devil in a Suit

When there was nothing left in my stomach to get rid of, I leaned back against the bathtub, holding my stomach as I groaned. Something was wrong. I couldn’t keep ignoring how sick I felt. Did I have the flu or something? I crawled over to the cabinet under the sink, opening the wooden doors and peering inside to look for my thermometer. My eyes swept over the baskets of bathroom items before halting on my box of tampons. I narrowed my eyes slightly, trying to remember the last time that I used them.

Realization hit me like a merciless punch. I hadn’t used them this month. I should’ve had my period either last week or the week before. I swallowed hard as I placed my hand on my stomach again, feeling myself shake. I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. I didn’t plan to have kids for a while, and I had a diploma to receive and get a business to start. I wasn’t prepared for this!

My eyes widened when I thought about Tyler. How was I going to tell him this? I hadn’t even told him that I loved him yet, even if I had been ready to do so for a while. We hadn’t talked about kids, but I doubted that he was wanting any right now. If he knew that I was pregnant, how would he even react? I couldn’t help but be afraid that he would leave me over this, thinking that I tried to trap him or something.

I buried my face in my hands, feeling my eyes start to fill with tears. All that I could feel right now was panic. I couldn’t even process how I felt about having a child outside of the fear that I felt for the suddenness of this and for Tyler’s reaction. Maybe I just needed to tell him, to rip off the bandage and figure things out before I really messed things up. It wasn’t like I would be able to hide this from him for long.

Sniffling quietly, I sat on the bathroom floor for what felt like an hour, trying to gather myself enough to get ready to go to my internship. I hadn’t missed a single day yet, and I didn’t want to start now since I was so close to finishing it. After drawing in quite a few deep breaths, I rose to my feet shakily, feeling like I could collapse at any second. No wonder I hadn’t been feeling well lately. I thought it was just from stress and not getting enough sleep, but it was a whole other issue. The path ahead was no longer clear. I didn’t even think the path was under my feet any longer.

I got ready to head to Ashland Consulting, trying to figure out what to say to Tyler. I wanted to keep the baby, and I wanted him to raise it with me. However, he lived a completely different life than me. He was the CEO of a wildly successful company, and I wasn’t sure if a baby even fit in his life. Things had been so perfect. Now, they were complicated all over again. A baby hadn’t been part of our picture so far.

I used the car ride to think some more, driving in pure silence. My thoughts seemed to spill out of my mind and fill the car too, and there was no way that I could sift through the chaos. When I saw Tyler, I just had to blurt out the first thing on my mind and hope that it was the right thing. I couldn’t think too much about it, or I would chicken out. This wasn’t the kind of thing that I could run away from.

What really hurt was that I loved him so much. I did want to marry him and have a family with him, but that was meant for the future when we were prepared. I didn’t handle spontaneity well. I liked to plan, to see the path ahead. Now, I felt so lost because I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I would either grow closer to Tyler because of this, or I would lose him completely.

I lingered in my car in the parking lot for a few minutes, gazing at the Ashland Consulting building down the street. It seemed to loom taller today, and my nervousness somehow doubled. He was right inside there, waiting for me. He had no idea that everything was about to change.

I stepped out of my car and started to walk out of the parking lot, my bottom lip trembling slightly as the cold wrapped around me. I couldn’t hide that I was scared. All of my confidence and boldness were gone. It disappeared the second that I realized I had missed my period. I would take a test later today, but it was obvious what was going on.