Worth the Chase

“So, what happened?” Please don’t tell me you killed her.

“I fired her. I gave her until noon the next day to get her things and be off my property. Two weeks later, I hired you.”

My palms are sweating. “So, you are firing me?”

“I’m not firing you. I’m telling you why she no longer works for me. I am a professional in all aspects of my life. Rebecca was a good nanny. She was an attractive girl, but I didn’t see her other than an employed staff member of our house. I would never cross the line or breach that employer/employee relationship.” He pushes off the island to walk toward me. “I’m sorry if I’ve given off any wrong impression. I have things going on and I’ve not been myself.”

“I know you haven’t and I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking—actually I wasn’t.”

Jonathon nods in understanding. “The way you showed up earlier this afternoon, I understand you were under some stress. I’ve made some mistakes in my life, so let’s just chalk this up to one of those. Anna loves you. And I love the way you are with her. I don’t want to take that away from her because of a misunderstanding, understand?”

I struggle to spit out any words. My hands shake in fear his speech is my swan song. My brain kicks in, and I start to nod. “Yes, of course. Again, I’m so—”

“Bridget…”

“Right. No apologies. It’s just…please know I have no intentions of showing up in your bed—Jesus, that also sounded wrong. I’m not interested. You’re a good-looking guy, but I love…” I trail off before I confess the awful truth. I love Chase.

“Speaking of intentions, it wasn’t mine to make things worse for you two. With how upset you were earlier, I assumed you were not ready to see him. I only did what I thought was best.”

I let out a heavy sigh and take a seat on the couch. “I appreciate it. I’m not ready. Who knows if I’ll ever be. It’s over between us.”

Jonathon walks up to me and kneels in front of me. “No man should make a woman feel less than perfect. Cherished. If he hasn’t done that, then it’s his loss. Never sell yourself short.”

How can he be so nice to me? I literally tried to attack him, silently accused him of killing his nanny, and caused a scene with my boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.

“Thank you.”

He nods and stands. “I’ll leave you be. If you need anything, call up to the house.”

“I will.”

He doesn’t say anything more. The door shuts behind him, and my shoulders feel weighted as I slump farther into the couch. My body suddenly feels cold. I wrap myself in the fur blanket, resting my head against a throw pillow. My mind flashes to the night before. Chase confessing his dreams. Feeling like I could push him to get back on the horse. That I would be around to watch him become someone even more remarkable. I shake my head, wishing away the silly thoughts. Hating myself for clinging to these silly dreams. I should have known better than to believe I could have a fairytale ending. They don’t exist for me.

My mind filters back to Jax’s death.

The tears didn’t stop for months. When they did, it was only because my anger took center stage. I pointed blame at everyone around me. And when I exhausted myself of that, the agony of him being gone settled back in, and the tears came in such rapid waves, it would put me down for days. I don’t know when it got easier. Maybe when the doctors told me to eat or they would have to force me. When my parents threatened me to get out of bed or they would force me. When I realized almost two years of my life had gone by without anyone caring someone I loved had died.

It took me too long to realize that life doesn’t stop just because someone else’s did. It didn’t wait for me to heal. It didn’t allow me to understand why or come to any form of acceptance. Every time I tried to comprehend, another day went by. I wanted him back. I wanted to pour out all the pain I felt inside. The thoughts that led me to strange places. The solutions that would bring me back to him.

I tried my best to be okay, but I wasn’t, and I knew I never would be. I was given my one, and he was ripped from me. Who would want me now? Damaged, flawed, broken… Once upon a time, I was headed down the perfect road. Now, I’m holding my breath, hoping I don’t fall apart along the way.

I’ve worked so hard to be okay. And I thought, with Chase, I’d finally found my way to moving on. But I was just falling in love with a fallacy.