Mama Winslow: I know it’s hard for you boys to believe, but all women, even your mother, want to find companionship.
Me: You act like all of our monthly date nights don’t even exist. Are you trying to tell me I’m not enough for you, Mom?
I’m the only one out of the five of us who takes Wendy Winslow out on monthly date nights to fancy restaurants, the opera, and her favorite Broadway shows. I pull out all the stops, and what? Now it’s not enough?
Mama Winslow: Very funny, Ty. You know I love our little date nights, but I’m looking for something it’d be illegal for a son to give me.
Me: MA!
Mama Winslow: LOL Relax. I’m teasing you…mostly.
My mom has been a single woman, a single mother of five kids, for most of my life. My father fucked off when we were young, and she made raising us her only priority. Honestly, she gave us the world.
All five of her kids are well-adjusted, successful adults, and even though Jude is still kind of a lunatic, it’s safe to say she did one hell of a job.
Truthfully, it’s about time she started dating and focusing on herself.
Me: I fully support you in this endeavor, but no Tinder, okay? It’s not like Kline needs money from another membership, but that’s the best option of them all.
Mama Winslow: Deal. TapNext, it is. Love you, honey.
Me: Love you too, crazy lady. Have fun with Aunt P.
The clock on the wall behind me ticks loudly to the beat of the second hand, and all the crap on my overloaded smartphone suddenly seems boring as hell. I have twenty minutes to kill before my next class and absolutely no motivation to get up and move.
An idea hits me, and instead, I make a FaceTime call to my brother Remy. He answers by the second ring, and his big head consumes the screen of my phone within seconds. I wouldn’t normally spread my mom’s shit around, but if anyone can keep it to himself, it’s my brood-tastic eldest sibling.
“Yo.”
“Mom is going to start dating,” I say by way of greeting and note that he’s currently eating a banana.
“What?” he questions around a mouthful.
“Mom was just texting me about Tinder and Match.com and shit. She wants to start dating.”
“No shit?” He looks at me with the banana half in his mouth, and I feel like I’m watching my brother suck on a dick.
“Rem, for the love of God, do you not understand anything about banana-eating etiquette? I’m talking about Mom wanting to play the tickle tango, and you’re doing your damnedest to show me exactly what it’s going to look like.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“There’s a right way and a wrong way to eat a banana in public, and you’re definitely doing it all fucking wrong.”
He stares at me and continues to take big, slow-as-hell bites of the phallic-shaped fruit. The whole time, his eyes staying locked with mine.
“You’re deranged.”
He grins and goes even more X-rated by closing his eyes and moaning like the fruit tastes so good it’s orgasmic.
“You’re fucked in the head.”
“Is that the only reason you were calling me? To tell me about Mom’s big dating plans and criticize the way I snack?”
“No, actually, I wanted to talk to my financial adviser about my investments. I just thought, I don’t know, you might be more interested in what’s going on with your family.”
He rolls his eyes. “Ma can do what she wants. She deserves to be happy. Who the fuck am I to judge how she wants to achieve that? Also, I’m not your financial adviser.”
He’s right about my mom. I knew it was none of my business before I even started the call, so I move on to the other subject at hand. “But you handle my investments.”
“I give you advice,” he corrects, and I grin.
“Same difference.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Do I need to pull out of Tesla?”
“No.”
“And your reasoning?”
“Because you asked me, and I’m telling you not to.”
“Okay. And your reasoning that’s not pretentious and actually explains things would be?”
“Because if you hold, Tesla is going to make you an obscene amount of money over the next few years.”
“How sure are you?”
“Dude. I’m not a fucking fortune-teller. I can only tell you what I see is a statistical probability. I can’t predict black swan events that will rock the market. But if nothing insane happens, then yes, I’m certain. Tesla is highly undervalued and will become a big asset in the EV market.”
The only words my brain registers are fortune-teller, but I quickly squash that shit down.
Rem is an investing genius. He knows shit it feels like God doesn’t know sometimes. I’d be a prick and a half not to listen to him, as he’s made me and all my brothers more than financially stable. We’re all pretty much set for our lifetimes. Winnie’s husband is rich as fuck, so I don’t know that she really needs Rem, but before that, he made sure to take care of her too.