Incandescent

It reminded me of when I’d spend way too much time watching home videos on the computer because it made Rebecca feel momentarily alive, like I could reach out and touch her. Eventually, I’d limited the reminiscing to the weekends, then to once a month. It was extremely difficult but necessary to take those small yet significant steps.

For Grant, I’d told myself. But for me too.

“Anyone else?” Judy asked, and I told the group about the college discussion I’d had with Grant earlier in the day. Marcus smiled across the way, and it made my stomach feel warm, like he cared, which, of course, he did. He was my friend. Other members of the group with college-age kids gave me advice on how to approach certain scenarios, which I appreciated.

Silence descended on the room, which generally meant attendees were finished sharing. But then Marcus hesitantly raised his hand. “I’m going on my first date.”

I held in a gasp as a low murmur resonated around the room.

I’d spoken to him yesterday, and he hadn’t told me. Not one inkling that he was even considering such a thing. Not that it was any of my business, but I thought we’d grown closer. And that was something huge, at least in my book.

Maybe he didn’t consider me as close a friend as I did him.

Or maybe it was more of a struggle for him than I realized.

“How did you put yourself out there?” someone asked.

My heart was beating strangely, and I was trying to make sense of why. I should’ve been happy for him, but I felt blindsided by the information. Not that he was obligated to tell me what went on in his life. Except he always did, almost on a daily basis, as we rehashed our lives.

“I joined a dating site,” he replied, and I held my breath. “So I was able to have some conversations first to weed people out.”

Marcus briefly looked at me, then away, his cheeks clearly splotched red despite his copper skin tone.

Why was this so fucking weird?

“Congrats,” Judy chimed in. “She’ll be lucky to meet you.”

“It’s a he, actually,” Marcus muttered, and the sound in the room blotted out as if I were stuck in some surreal dream.

Marcus had a date with a guy? In all the discussions we’d had over the past year, we’d never discussed our sexuality. Holy shit.

4

Marcus

“Is this something you’d like to discuss further with the group?” Judy asked, effectively shushing those quieter murmurs in the group.

My stomach was going crazy, my hands were sweating, and I could barely look Delaney in the eye. Not that it mattered, because he seemed pretty thunderstruck, staring into space with his back rigid and lips parted as if I’d just announced I was flying to the moon or something.

“I…dunno. I’m bisexual, and it’s been a long time since I’ve explored this side of myself.” I lifted my chin with confidence—or at least I hoped it looked that way as I tried to take ownership of my words. “And before there are any misunderstandings, I was very happily married to Carmen, and I expected to be with her for the rest of my life.”

“I hear you. I’m pansexual,” a woman named Harmony said, and I breathed out in relief. “I would’ve been married to Marci for life too. But going forward, it would take someone special—male, female, enby…that doesn’t matter to me—to even…” She trailed off, tears dotting her eyelashes, and I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“It’s okay to not be ready,” Judy said. “We’re all on our own timelines.”

Guilt poked at my gut for being ready—if ready was truly how I’d label it. It was more about loneliness and needing…human contact, other than from family and friends. I wanted to be flirted with, maybe even touched again, if only for one night.

“I’m not good with all these new terms,” said John, an older gentleman who’d been attending about as long as me and had been married to his wife for forty years, if I wasn’t mistaken. “What happened to just being gay or straight?”

“You’ve got to get with the times,” replied Frank, another older gentleman. He was pretty outspoken on most topics, so this exchange didn’t surprise me. “There are new terms for everything nowadays, and from what I read, these labels have really helped some of the younger generation come to terms with their sexuality.”

“I’m too old to keep up,” John complained with a wave of his hand. “What I want to know is, how can he be with a man when he’s been married to a woman for—”

“Because being bisexual or pansexual means you are attracted to more than one gender,” Harmony explained. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love and commit to one person. There are lots of misconceptions out there.”