Incandescent

I probably should’ve added something more to the conversation, but I was too busy cursing myself for bringing up the topic in the first place. And preoccupied with how uncomfortable Delaney looked as he shifted in his seat across the room. What the hell was his problem, and why did I think his friendship with Tristan meant he’d be more open?

Maybe I’d been right not to mention it to him, though maybe I should’ve also felt guilty for not preparing him. In my defense, I hadn’t planned on mentioning this with the group.

“This certainly took a turn,” Judy said in an amused tone. “Are you all right with the group hashing this out?”

“Sure! They’re normal questions people have, and I’d prefer to set the record straight, so to speak.” I heard a chuckle from Delaney, which told me he was still alive. When our eyes met, he bit his lip and looked away, as if still working stuff out in his head. I tried to put myself in his place, imagined him telling the group something I was completely unaware of. For fuck’s sake, I would at least let him know I still had his back.

“Any words of encouragement instead of questions?” Judy said. “Maybe you could look some of these terms up on your own time. We obviously have people in this group who fall somewhere on the LGBTQIA spectrum, so if you’re curious, you can learn more about your fellow attendees.”

“What for?” a woman who usually stayed quiet suddenly piped in. “They always throw it in our faces. Who cares if he’s gay?”

“He said he’s bisexual, and what the heck are you talking about? Isn’t this a support group where we share with each other?” Harmony said. “Besides, we could turn the tables and say that straight people are always throwing it in our faces too. You’re the default for everything in society. How do you think that feels?”

I tried keeping my expression neutral, but damn, it was hard to hear the bigotry. When I glanced in Delaney’s direction, there was a scowl on his face, but I couldn’t tell if it was for the insensitive comment or the response Harmony had lobbed back. It made me feel really unsettled about our friendship.

“The foundation of this group is empathy. We need to be able to share important, impactful things in a safe space. If you disagree that strongly, maybe allow him the dignity of your silence,” Judy said pointedly to the woman.

“You’re right. I apologize,” she said to me, and I nodded. At least she appeared remorseful.

“Good for you, Marc,” another woman in the group said. “You deserve a small victory.”

I smiled. “It’s only coffee. And maybe it feels easier because…it’s a man. Not sure if that makes sense.”

“It absolutely does,” Delaney said, and I held in a gasp. There he was. Finally. The guy I’d come to call a friend.

“It’s someone different,” Harmony chimed in. “Maybe even feels safer emotionally in some regard.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

When my eyes met Delaney’s, his were hesitant, and it made my stomach pitch all over again.

“I appreciate your sharing,” Judy said. “I’ll be curious to hear more next session if you’re willing. Now I’m going to change gears a little and discuss…”

I barely heard anything she said after that, but it had something to do with older members helping newer members figure out how to talk to their children about the concept of death. Delaney remained silent throughout that portion as well, even though I’d heard him expound on the subject in the past. His son was an older teen, however, and the focus today was on younger kids. Maybe that was why he wasn’t sharing. Or maybe because he was still reeling from my announcement. That seemed the better explanation since he made very little eye contact with me again.

As soon as the meeting ended, I forced my legs to move toward the exit because I had to get the hell out of there. People were still staring, and it felt uncomfortable. But I’d admit, now that it was out, it was sort of freeing. This was a group that shared a lot with each other, and I’d considered it a lifesaver these past months. Maybe it was time to walk away, but that felt wrong too. I wanted to be around to show others that you could go on. And for Delaney, too, since his grief was fresher than mine.

Should I rethink those reasons?

As soon as I made it to the parking lot, I sucked in the cooler air. It would be autumn soon, my favorite season because nothing could beat the changing leaves in the Northeast. They didn’t last long enough, in my opinion, not when it was followed by the bitter winters blowing off the lake.

“Marc, hold up.” It was Delaney, and I didn’t know if I had it in me to face him right then, not when he’d acted so strangely after my announcement.