Incandescent

I felt more settled getting in my car and driving off. I’d had a rough couple of years, but I was finding myself again, which was progress. At the same time, I was also irked because that discussion in group would’ve never gotten so sidetracked had I announced my date was with a woman.

On the other hand, I’d undoubtedly pushed the envelope and challenged people’s misconceptions, so maybe I just felt empowered tonight. Might’ve been because I was biracial and definitely had moments when certain things about me were taken for granted, so it resonated with the unique hurt my own experience brought. Because my skin was lighter, I had more privilege in certain scenarios, something I’ve been reminded of by friends and family over the years.

The same could be said of being a cisgender male married to a cisgender female and appearing seemingly straight. The guilt that came with those scenarios was real. But so was the acute pain of never feeling like you belonged or fit well enough into any one box. Don’t get me wrong, I’d had my share of racist comments thrown my way, but my feelings about it were more nuanced and mixed with the guilt of not having been dealt as hard a hand as others. So that was probably why I took it upon myself to change people’s perceptions.

I didn’t feel like going home, so I drove around a bit, heading through the older sections of Shaker Heights, where the architecture was charming. I ended up on Coventry in Cleveland Heights, where I parked, then walked the length of the busy, eclectic street, looking in shop windows, then entering the popular sandwich shop on the corner.

Delaney lived close, but I’d never been to his house. I considered texting to ask if he wanted to meet me at the local bar, but I was still smarting a bit from our conversation. I normally enjoyed the solitude my job provided, but tonight I wanted to be around people—even strangers who had no idea what I’d just confessed.

I paid for my turkey sandwich, then ate a couple of bites while walking back to my car. I placed my bag on the seat and slid behind the wheel. My heart panged as I passed by the cemetery on the way home. I barely remembered the day of the funeral, let alone the week leading up to it.

In the subsequent year, I frequently communicated with her family, but lately, the calls had dwindled—and yeah, there was guilt about that too. The last time I checked on her mom had been last month, but she’d seemed preoccupied with her grandchildren there, so the call was brief.

As soon as I pulled into my driveway, my phone buzzed with a text from Delaney.

What did the skeleton say when he walked into the bar?

I couldn’t stop the grin stretching across my lips.

You and your cornball jokes. What?

I’ll need a drink and a mop.

I laughed even though it was pretty bad. But that was him, always trying to keep the mood elevated, especially for his son. In this case, he was trying to reforge the connection between us after he’d confused me big-time.

Eh, could use some work, I teased.

There was an elongated pause as I watched the dots moving, indicating he was typing.

So, I just wanted to apologize again. I think…hearing you’re moving on did something to me tonight, and I was in my own head a little too much. I’m sorry I confused you and didn’t come through as a friend. Please know I’m here whenever you need me.

I felt instant relief. There was the person I’d gotten to know.

Thanks. All cool.

5

Delaney

“I wanna kiss you, Lane,” he said in my ear, and my entire body lit on fire. “Wait for me after the game.”

I watched from the stands as he kicked the winning goal, and then I second-guessed myself the entire time I waited near the parking lot as it cleared of fans. There weren’t as many for soccer as for football, which was unfortunate but just the way it was.

His smile split his face when he saw me, making the butterflies kick up in my stomach. He was so freaking cute, so when he pulled at my hand, encouraging me to follow him behind the now-empty stands, how could I refuse? My heart was beating out of my chest, and I was scared we’d get caught, but when our lips connected, the whole world melted away.

I woke up with a fucking hard-on, and that hadn’t happened in a long time—outside of my normal morning wood, of course. But this was different. This was about desire. I’d been numb to any sort of sensation in my body except for my broken heart, so that memory from high school, after all this time, really tripped me up.