Turned out, I wasn’t the only one. Others in the group had shared similar stories of their partners giving them permission to move on or pleading with them not to be alone.
“It’s drizzling outside,” Grant said, shuffling into the kitchen while I was pouring myself a cup of coffee. “Can you drive me?”
“Of course,” I replied, reaching for the cereal box. “How about getting home? I might be able to—”
“I have Scholastic Challenge after school, so Ellie’s mom can drop me off.” Scholastic Challenge was a club for kids like Grant who enjoyed geeking-out on trivia in different categories, including geography and world history. They competed against other schools until it was whittled down to the final competition in the spring.
I nodded. “Ah, that explains the jacket.”
He looked down at himself. “Is something wrong with it?”
“No, you look sharp,” I replied, setting a couple of bowls and spoons on the table.
When his shoulders relaxed, I breathed out, glad I’d said the right thing. Today he was dressed in what I would call business casual: black jeans, a button-down shirt, and a business jacket, which he’d gotten on sale at the local department store. If I had to guess, he’d probably whip out one of his ties too. He’d done it for his other club, Model UN, where they debated global politics with the history teacher who ran the club.
He’d also worked at the Natural History Museum the past two summers, which he enjoyed, so who knew what career awaited him. The world was wide open, and I couldn’t be prouder. But I kept my opinion to myself because the last time I’d uttered such a thing, his cheeks flushed, and he later accused me of embarrassing him in front of his friend. How the hell was I supposed to know they were communicating on a chat right then?
By the time Grant and I were in the car and driving to school, I’d reconciled what I’d done in the shower that morning. It was bound to happen eventually. No way was I ready to date anyone, so why not let my imagination run wild?
“What’s wrong? You seem distracted,” Grant said, giving me major side-eye. He was good at that.
“Nothing.” I turned on my blinker and merged into traffic. “I’m just thinking about my schedule.”
“Liar,” he replied because few things got by him. Even if it seemed like his nose was buried in his computer, he still somehow knew when stuff felt off or wrong. “It’s definitely something else.”
What harm could come from sharing some of my thoughts with him? I didn’t want to place another wedge between us, so maybe a partial truth was in order.
“It’s just…Marc announced something interesting last night.”
It felt silly admitting it out loud. Why in the hell was I so affected by it?
His eyebrows knitted together. “What did he announce?” Grant knew he’d become a friend, had even spoken to him briefly on speakerphone once, and I certainly didn’t want to alarm him.
“Just that he’s going on his first date since…” I paused to clear my throat. “And I suppose I’ve been thinking about how strange that would be.”
“Because you’re not ready?”
Noting the panic in his gaze, I patted his arm. “Definitely not ready. Feels like I might never be.”
He was quiet as we pulled into the school, and I regretted telling him. He had enough on his plate, and I was only adding to that by having him think about his dad dating someday.
“Mom was pretty great, so maybe that’s supposed to be reassuring to me,” he said hesitantly. “That you wouldn’t want anyone other than Mom. But I worry.”
My gut churned. “About what?”
“About when I’m off to college.” He frowned. “You’ll be lonely.”
My stomach bottomed out at his vulnerable tone. “You don’t need to worry about that. I’ve got plenty going on.” I got in line behind the other cars in the school drop-off zone. “Besides, people can still have a full life without being in a relationship.”
“I know.” He sighed. “But I think you liked being married to Mom.”
“I did. She was an incredible person, and I’ll be eternally grateful she said yes when I asked her to marry me.” My chest throbbed, thinking about the life we’d made together. Sure, there were ups and downs, but we hung in there. “And having you was the biggest joy of our lives.”
“Okay, you can stop now,” he said, rolling his eyes, but his cheeks had flushed bright pink. I wanted to laugh or tease him, but sometimes his emotions turned on a dime, still too close to the surface, and I didn’t want to ruin this heart-to-heart, which felt so rare of late.
“I did like being in a committed relationship with someone. I’d found my person…and that might only happen once in a lifetime.”
He chewed on his lip. “Yeah, maybe.”