Incandescent

Grant sighed, shutting the lid on his computer while Jeremy began gathering his things. “I’ll come along for the ride.”

Grant decided he wanted to sit in the back seat with Jeremy, so I felt like a chauffeur to a couple of teens. They were chatterboxes, mostly about gaming, but this time I tuned in to their conversation, listening for any clues.

“Thank you for the ride,” Jeremy said as I pulled into his driveway.

“No problem.”

Jeremy walked inside while Grant opened the back door to slide into the front. “Wait. Jeremy forgot his earbuds. Be right back.” He jogged over and was let inside by Jeremy’s mother, who waved to me.

When he finally came back out—which felt like a full five minutes—he avoided eye contact with me, and as I pulled out of the driveway, his knee was jiggling a mile a minute as if he was trying to rid himself of nervous energy.

“Everything okay?” I asked when I got back on the road. “You seem…”

“Jesus, Dad. Everything is fine. Why does there always have to be something wrong?”

Apparently, I was already blowing this big-time, so I kept quiet the remainder of the way home. I could force the issue, but where would that lead us?

I’d barely gotten the car in Park when he bolted out the door, and by the time I got inside the house, he was already up in his room with the door closed. I retreated to the couch to click through the channels and get my mind off this strange night.

But I couldn’t sit still. Who had nervous energy now?

I texted Marcus: Talk?

Definitely.

“You sure it’s not too late?” I asked when he picked up.

“No, it’s okay.” I could hear music in the background, so likely he was chilling out too. “Everything all right?”

“Ugh, I’m sure it’s nothing and I’m just being ridiculous.”

“I’m all ears, no matter how silly you think it is.”

I propped my feet on the coffee table, forcing myself to relax. “It’s just that Grant had Jeremy over, and I overheard part of their conversation.”

It sounded like he turned down the music. “Tell me about it.”

So I did, even though recounting it made me feel like I was being overly dramatic. “And when I tried to ask him on the way home, he got mad and shut me out.”

Marcus was quiet for a long moment, making me regret telling him. He was sure to have better things to do than listen to my parenting woes.

“I’m curious about something,” he finally said. “Where has Ellie been?”

“I…don’t really know. Maybe busy with other things? I think they still message each other, but she hasn’t been over in a while.”

“So Grant’s mostly been hanging out with Jeremy?”

“Yep. And a lot more in the past few weeks.” They seemed to constantly be in contact too.

“Sort of like us?” he said in a hesitant voice.

“Huh?” I sat up, trying to make sense of his question. “What are you trying to—holy shit.”

“I might be completely off base,” he said in a rush, “but when I was a teenager and wanted to be alone with—”

“No need to spell it out.” I cringed, finding it as difficult to imagine my own child as it probably was for him to picture me and his mom—or anyone else for that matter.

Though some of it was starting to click. Their shy smiles, sitting close on the couch—and the back seat—Grant missing curfew and their conversation about privacy in Grant’s room.

“He’d be totally stressed out and probably impose even more rules.”

Was that why he took so long dropping off Jeremy’s earbuds?

And then I remembered his words from an earlier argument: “I’m not like you.”

Did he think I’d disapprove, like my own closed-minded father?

“Ah, fuck.” My head was reeling.

“You okay?” Marcus asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah, sure. If this is what’s been happening with him…”

“Remember, it was only a hunch.”

“So what do I do?” I asked earnestly. No way I wanted to blow this too.

“I definitely wouldn’t push it. Wait for him to come to you. In the meantime, remain open to the possibility.”

“Damn, you’re good at this. Thank you.”

“It’s easier looking in from the outside. I don’t envy you. But I’m here to support you whenever you need me.”

Fuck if I didn’t wish he were here with me, holding me, so we could figure it out together. But he wasn’t my partner, or co-parent, no matter how enticing it sounded right then. The best thing to do would be to make Grant feel as safe and comfortable as possible. Especially if he was figuring himself out for the first time. He deserved that.

Once we ended the call, I paced around the living room, trying to wrap my brain around the idea that my child might be more like me than I’d realized.

I headed upstairs to bed, but when I saw his light was still on, I couldn’t resist knocking.