Incandescent

I’m going to fix the latch on the gate.

Good idea. Promise me you won’t be too hard on yourself.

I’ll try my best.

But I still felt unsettled, like there was a barrier between us now, and it was likely my fault. Because I didn’t know how to deal with any of this. I headed outside to examine the latch, which was slack and missing screws—an easy fix. I cursed myself again for not noticing sooner.

We spent the evening pampering Ruby and giving her plenty of attention. I made a simple pasta dinner, and we ate it in the living room near Ruby’s pillow, which was Grant’s idea.

“Dad?” Grant said in a wobbly voice. “I have something to tell you.”

I placed down my fork on the coffee table, suddenly nervous. “What is it?”

“I think I caused Ruby’s accident.” He looked down and shifted uncomfortably. “I noticed the latch was loose on Friday after school when I walked my bike to the garage. I meant to tell you when I got inside, but I…” He frowned. “I got distracted by a text.”

My pulse was going crazy as I looked him over. My first reaction was some sort of lecture about responsibility, one I’d already given myself, but seeing his worried eyes, all the fight drained out of me. Why pour salt into the wounds?

“Oh, kiddo.” I put my hand on his arm and squeezed. “It’s okay. I’m not mad.”

“How can you say that? It was my fault.”

“I was blaming myself too for not noticing the latch was loose.” I placed my thumb under his chin to get him to look at me. “Do you think it’s my fault?”

He looked at me, eyes wide. “No.”

“Walking around with that kind of guilt will make us miserable. We’ll need to learn to forgive ourselves for this one.”

“But what if it was much worse? What if she…oh God.” He placed his face in his hands.

“There are so many what-ifs in life, aren’t there?” I sighed and rubbed his hair. “But we’re only human and doing the best we can. You didn’t forget on purpose, and neither did I.”

Now if only I could buy into the sentiment. I’d been so hyperfocused on making sure Grant was doing okay that I was putting too much pressure on myself.

And it was exhausting.

“If we beat ourselves up over too many things, we’ll miss out on how special life can be. And then we’ll kick ourselves about that too.” I leaned over to rub Ruby’s coat. “Life is filled with little lessons to make us more aware, compassionate too, and maybe this is one of them. Ruby will hopefully be around for a couple more years, and we need to give her all the extra cuddles we can so she knows how much she means to us.”

He gave me a watery smile as he petted her fur. “She definitely deserves it.”

26

Marcus

“We brought you some lunch,” Keisha said as she and my mother came through the door of Worthy’s, holding a bag. “You’ve been working too hard.”

It was Saturday afternoon, and they’d been Christmas shopping all morning. It was nice of them to think of me, somehow knowing I hadn’t taken the time to eat yet. Besides, all I’d brought with me was a soggy PB&J.

I accepted the bag. “Awesome. Thanks.” It contained a Five Guys burger and fries, which only made me think of Delaney and Grant. Again. “You know it’s busy this time of year.”

We sat in the chairs at the front of the store while I eagerly ate my lunch, not having realized how famished I was, and they told me about their morning, which involved fighting the crowd at the mall.

“Remember, you promised not to go overboard on gifts,” I warned them. We’d be celebrating Christmas at my aunt’s house this year, and it would be nice to relax with my family, much like I imagined Delaney and Grant would be doing with his grandparents. Aaron had texted that he would be in town, and I looked forward to reconnecting with him, as well as with Carmen’s parents on one of the afternoons.

It’d been a week since I last saw Delaney, and it was hard not to relive what happened between us that night—and the morning after. It was one of my most favorite memories with him, and not only because the sex had been emotional and intense and fucking hot, but because it felt like we were actually on the same page, and I loved that he was reveling in our intimacy too.

But I supposed I always knew things might come crashing down around us.

Delaney no doubt still felt guilty that he’d rushed back to me without checking the gate. And from our text conversations this week, Grant had his own stuff to work through. Then there was Grant’s grandmother, who’d walked in during our tender embrace and seemed stunned that we were showing each other that level of affection.