Incandescent

“Let’s get started, group,” Judy said, and everyone quieted down. “Today’s topic will be the unhealthy things we’ve done to manage our grief.”

She went on to explain how counterintuitive coping mechanisms might only prolong or stifle our grief. I’d learned so much about my own thought processes and behaviors from Judy and would be forever grateful I’d found this group.

“Does anyone want to begin?” She looked around the circle. “Remember, this is a no-judgment zone.”

Harmony raised her hand first. “I’ll admit I smoked pot way too much afterward, at first to manage my nerves, and then to just get out the door in the morning.”

“It was the same for me and alcohol,” Frank confessed, his shoulders slumping. “I’d go to the corner pub a lot so I didn’t have to be in the empty house without her.”

Others murmured their assent and shared they’d done one thing or another to numb themselves and the pain. Pills, non-recreational drugs, all lead them either to this group, treatment, or prolonging their pain. My stomach hurt as I listened to all the stories, and given Delaney’s expression, he was feeling the same way.

“What other behaviors besides consuming alcohol or drugs?” Judy asked.

“I was too forward with women I met,” Walter admitted. “I thought it would help to have someone to flirt with, but it didn’t. It only felt worse. I missed her more. Getting married so soon afterward was a huge mistake too. So I’m learning to enjoy my own company now.”

That was one of the most honest admissions I’d heard from him.

“I’m glad to hear it,” Judy said, and a couple of group members threw out positive affirmations for Walter.

I raised my hand next. “I work too much. Even when Carmen was alive, I’d stay late at my shop if we’d had an argument, but mostly I’d just lose track of time.” I frowned. “Now it’s much easier because there’s no one waiting for me.”

“How does that feel?” she asked.

“Lonely, of course.” I refused to look at Delaney because it was too raw an admission. “But it’s partly my fault. I could do more outside of work.”

“Like what?” she prompted me.

“Right now doesn’t exactly count because the holiday season is a hectic time for my business,” I explained. “But I could do more stuff that makes me feel good, like working out. I haven’t run in the park in weeks, and I should get back to that. I could also take on more side projects that get me out of that setting.”

I chanced a glance toward Delaney. His cheeks had turned rosy, and his smile was shy and so filled with meaning, it made my heart stutter.

“You should consider traveling too,” Delaney said, biting back a grin. It was true that we’d made plans to visit New York, but…I no longer knew where we stood.

“Or going on dates,” John quipped, true to form, and everyone laughed.

“Yeah, I’ve let that lapse too. Not really interested at the moment.” I looked away but not before noting Delaney shifting in his seat. Did it make him jealous that I might date again? I sighed. Didn’t he know how hard it would be to find someone as special as him?

“I know what you mean,” Frank said. “My daughter helped me sign up, and at first, it was exciting to talk to new people. But it gets tedious too.”

“Finding someone you connect with can’t be forced,” Harmony said. “It takes time.”

I wondered what Delaney’s response would be on this topic, but he kept silent. And he was fidgety today, which made me curious if something more was going on with Grant, or Ruby, or his in-laws, for that matter. Something he hadn’t shared with me by text.

Suddenly I wanted the group to be over so I could ask him directly. Was that why we hadn’t had a real conversation since the day they left my shop? Not that it should surprise me. I’d sort of set the tone with Grant’s present, as if I wouldn’t see them again anytime soon.

Mom had smiled when I’d shown her Grant’s photo gift. I’d found a cool vintage frame to use for it and texted it to Delaney. He seemed pleased and the next day messaged that Grant loved it too.

I tuned back into the group, and I’d probably been in my head too much because it sounded like the topic had changed to healthy coping mechanisms, and I’d already missed a couple of the comments.

One woman talked about accepting more invitations from friends because it helped her get out of the house. I’d said no so often the past couple of years that even my childhood friends didn’t ask anymore. Good reminder for me as well.

Delaney lifted his hand, which made my pulse gallop for some unknown reason.

“I’ve thought about putting myself out there more too, but I was afraid my son would suffer from my choices.” There was a murmur of assent from others in the group, who were likely thinking about their own kids. Walter looked a bit defeated, and I remembered that he had adult children who’d disapproved of his second marriage.