“I’m not sick—I’m incapacitated.”
A little faster, I fed him the rest of the breakfast and helped him into the shower. Then I dried and brushed his hair and tucked him into the bed. Before I could escape back to the living room, he dragged me under the covers with him. We lay facing each other, noses close to touching. It felt good to see him this way, disarmed. Almost.
“Are you really okay?” I asked.
He nodded, his cheek rubbing along the back of his hand which he’d tucked under there for support. “I’m fine. I’ll be back to usual in a few days.”
I ran my fingers through the damp hair at his temples, pushing it away from his forehead. “I think you’re really brave for doing that.”
“You were going to do it, if they’d let you.”
“Well, yes, but I was still scared as shit about it. While we’re sharing our feelings, you want to tell me the secret you’re still holding?”
He dropped his eyes away from mine. “I can’t.”
“I’m giving you a free pass right now just because you’re a bit broken, but I won’t accept a non-answer forever. Do you want to tell me about this whole bond thing so I can understand what to expect as we proceed?”
He traced his thumb over my cheek bone and across my ear. “In a minute. I want to touch you while you’re being nice to me.”
I shouldn’t take offense to that statement, and yet, it felt like a flick to the heart. “I’m always nice to you.”
“Shall I use a different adjective? Sweet then. While you’re being sweet to me.”
“Don’t get used to it. It’ll only last until you’re back on your feet.”
“You pretend not to care about anything,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “And yet, your heart bleeds for anyone and everyone. I can see it. I can feel it through the bond. You can’t hide from me anymore, Zoey.”
I froze. It wasn’t a secret I had a soft spot for people sometimes, but I tried to ensure the people in my life never witnessed it. Fin seeing inside me somehow felt like a blessing and a curse at once. He knew the deepest darkest things I tried to hide away, but also the light too. The thought of having one person I didn’t need to pretend with terrified me as much as it soothed me.
“I was never trying to hide,” I said. “More like obfuscate. Caring about people puts those people in my enemy’s crosshairs. We saw it with the Captain firsthand. Showing the world how much you love someone can get them used against you. I don’t want to do that to anyone I care about.”
“So you pretend to have no one and feel nothing? That’s not a way to live.”
I nudged the bottom of his chin. “Says the man who hid out in his mansion for years. Isn’t that the same thing, just a little more external?”
“That may be true, but I’ve since realized it was a mistake. If I’d come after Esteban sooner maybe I would have found you sooner and we’d have had more time.”
I laughed. “We’ve got plenty of time. Once we turn Esteban’s head into a lawn ornament, we have all the time in the world.”
He dragged me into him by the back of the neck, pressing our foreheads together.
“I love your positively macabre mind.” He shifted to meet my eyes, our heads still together. “I love you, Zoey.”
My mouth dropped open like a fish as warmth darted into my chest, spreading tendrils through me at the tenderness in his tone. I loved him more than anything, but I couldn’t say it back to him, not right now, not with secrets still between us.
He smiled at me. “It’s okay. I understand you can’t say it. I feel it though. Your heart is so much bigger than you want the world to see, but I do. I see it.”
“Well, keep that to yourself. As far as the world is concerned, I’m a mouthy bitch with a death wish and that’s the way I want to keep it.”
He laughed, the air brushing my lips. “They won’t hear it from me. In fact, I’ll do what I can to propagate that image. It might help my reputation to have a bloodthirsty mate who takes no shit.”
“That won’t affect your fragile masculinity?” I teased.
Another laugh. “My fragile masculinity was shattered the day I met you. It’s been rebuilt out of steel and it’s pretty solid. And it’s here for you to lean on when you need it.”
We lapsed into silence, just lying there, sharing breaths. It occurred to me that this was what life was supposed to be. Love making, breakfast, caresses. Not blood, and gore, and mortal enemies. Why did I always end up with the mortal enemies side of existence? With this glimpse, I wanted the other half. The soft one with creamy sheets and coffee on the balcony. No knives, no weapons, no danger.
Fuck. When had I gone so soft?