Chapter Nine
I didn’t think I hadexperienced this blend of betrayal and self-loathing before. I slammed the door and Fin’s face as I rushed into the bedroom we used last night. It still smells like us, and sex, end it was a bad idea to trap myself in here.
Fin gently closed the door behind him, eyeing me the entire time. No doubt waiting for another explosion. I didn't think I had it in me, I just got tired, alone, and that prospect scared me like it never had before.
For so long I prided myself on my independence, and on my ability to do everything for myself. The thought of losing Fin, Hawk, any of them... I sank to my knees on the floor at the prospect. Somehow, my fight for revenge had shifted. I no longer fight for what I lost, but to protect what I’ve gained.
Fin approached slowly and sank down onto the floor beside me. "What just happened? Zoey, I don’t understand. My ability to see you and not your magic is not a rejection, it's just how I have to separate things in my mind.”
When you reached for me, I batted at his hand away. “I feel like an idiot here this entire time I thought you had no problem with that I was partly mage. And now it seems you’ve cared all along. Why did you train me, help me learn to start controlling my abilities?”
A wariness entered his eyes as he gazed at me. “It’s not you being partly mage but I have a problem with. It's the magic itself. That's always been the problem with mage craft. It’s out of sync with the world, it's a black hole that threatens to suck up all life. And if it goes unchecked, and eventually will.”
“But your best friend was a mage. You taught me how to use this power. I don't understand,” I whispered.
“Harlan was many things. A mage was one of them, sure. But he resigned himself not to use his powers unless necessary. I didn't hate him, I just hated his magic.”
His words cut deep. A long-jagged slice right and center of my sternum. And when I met his eyes, I knew he felt it too. “don't do this,” He pleaded. “I can feel you trying to cut yourself off for me now. I'm sorry that you didn’t realize, but it’s never been about you.”
“No, it’s apparently always been about you.”
I pushed off the floor exit the room. There was nothing left to say between us. He might not hate me, but he hated something, but I'd never be able to get rid of. An integral part of me.
Everyone’s eyes slid to me as I took up one of the stalls in front of the kitchen countertop.
Ever the peacekeeper, Hawk waded in first. “Do you need me to kill him? It'll make things a little more difficult in the end, but I mean, in The Chief’s absence I feel it’s my responsibility to ask.”
He was joking of course. At least I thought. So I ignored his question.
“This doesn’t change anything. Esteban is evil, he needs to die, and we need to save the chief. So let's do that.”
Fin came out of the bedroom a moment later but took up a spot on the other side of the counter. I already missed has one presence right next to mine. No. I would get over this.
I gestured at the earrings. “We have some additional hardware. Now we just need someone to practice on.”
Now, fin spoke up. “I think I know someone who might help us for the right price. Or at the very least he'll listen and not murder us first.”
Thankfully, Hawk took over. “You contact him. And I know a few guys might know someone.”
As they went to make the phone calls, Melinda came around the counter and took my hand. “Do you want to go outside and take a walk for a second?”
Well I sure as shit didn’t want to stay in here trapped with Fin and all of these feelings I didn't know what to do with. “Sure. Who knows how long it will take them? Fresh air will be nice.”
We stepped out onto the porch, into the afternoon sunlight. It was the kind that was just warm enough to enjoy being outside. Not that I got to spend a lot of time sunbathing in my profession.
Thankfully, Melinda spoke first." Are you okay?”
“Nope. I feel like a fool. Here I thought that everything had finally started to make sense for me. And then now this? The universe must have it out for me.”
We started a slow walk through the long grass around the house. “Did Fin ever tell you about our parents?”
I tried to think back. The one time I thought I mentioned his parents, he’d shut down. I’d inferred that his father had been abusive to him. Thinking back, that knowledge gave me more questions. “No. He hasn't told me anything about them. The only family he really ever talked about was you.”
“Our family is a sort of fae royalty. At least as much as it still exists in this world. Neither of us acknowledge it, because of our parents. The lineage has always been the most important thing for them. We were born, sure, but after that they seemed to lose interest. It was Fin who mostly raised us. But our lineage meant that our family had certain responsibilities. You already knew about the sort of police work that fin had to do. My father did the same. But he took it to an entirely new level, beating his values into Fin. One of which was that mages are evil. And for most of his younger years, Fin operated under that directive.”
It made sense. Especially since obsession with finding and avenging his sister. “What happened to them?”
“That is a story for Finn to tell you. I wasn’t there.”
I waved to the house. “Yeah, I’m gonna go back in there and ask him right now how his parents died.”
She shrugged like she didn’t care one where the other. “I’ve been through a lot. I have more reason than most to hate mages. But, I also know it's not as black-and-white as fae vs mage. Because I've seen fae can be just as evil.”
“Anyone can be evil. Everyone can be evil. I also don’t operate under a straight dark and light sense of morality.”
She nodded. “That’s exactly what I mean. Fin grew up with very rigid squares around what is dark and what is light. It’s taken a long time for him to break himself of our family’s chains. Don’t judge him too harshly for the fact that he’s still trying to do that.”
It was easier said than done. If he’d been honest with me from the beginning about his feelings with my powers, then maybe the shock wouldn’t have been so much. But, instead, I’d been completely in the dark about how he felt, thinking that he’d grown to love every part of me. Well, every part except you know, that pesky mage half.
“While we are out here alone,” I said, stopping her gently in the middle of the field. “Is there anything you can tell me about what happened to you? Or anything you can tell me about Esteban that might help us bring him down once and for all.”
She shook her head. “He kept me locked up most of the time. And when I wasn’t locked up my magic had been drained to the breaking point, so I was barely conscious. He kept me locked up both to protect me from his mage henchman trying to claim my magic, and to ensure I didn’t escape. And besides, for my own sanity, most of the time I just didn’t want to know what my magic was being used for. I stayed inside myself to remain as sane as I could for as long as possible.”
We started walking again and I felt the need to reassure her. “I’m not judging you at all. I hope you know that. You did what you could to survive and that’s what matters.”
Instead of answering, she simply nodded, and brushed her short hair away from her face.
After another wander through the field, we went back inside to make some lunch. Fin had shut himself in the bedroom, and I flinched at every creak the house made, thinking he’d come out, see me, and I wouldn’t be able to breathe all over again.
When we finished eating, Hawk leaned down on the counter next to where I sat. “You want to go spar?”
I gave him the side-eye while I googled mage sendings. “What is with everyone’s sudden interest in my physical fitness? Melinda takes me on a walk, you want to take me to spar. I promise, I’m not about to go crazy and murder him.”
“I didn’t think you would. I’m just trying to be a good friend and ensure you have the space you need to think about things.”
I continued searching, still not looking at him. “We aren’t friends remember? You’re my boss.”
He rubbed the top of my shoulder. “Damn right.”
I let myself breathe again when he’d left to go finish trying to find a willing, non-evil, mage.
A few seconds later, Fin came rushing out of the bedroom with his keys in hand “I’ve got one who volunteered. We need to go meet him though, I’m not bringing him here.”
After that, we all rounded ourselves up and headed out. The silence in the car was tense as everyone watched us. I didn’t like feeling so on display, especially since it involved my emotions. If everyone wanted to watch me kick Hawk’s ass, then fine, but I didn’t appreciate everyone waiting for me to have another meltdown.
“Will you guys knock it off? I’m fine and I’m not going to suddenly murder bot everyone and steal your magic.”
Fin sighed heavily from the driver’s seat. “They aren’t worried you’re going to go crazy on us. They are worried you’re going to cry.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yay. A car full of emotionally stunted assholes who are afraid of a few tears. I’m not going to cry, and if I wanted to, I wouldn’t do it in front of any of you, trust me.”
Needing to change the subject I focused on Fin, despite how much it hurt in my chest to do so. “Where are we going?”
His hands tightened on the wheel. “The house.”
“The house, house?”
He shrugged. “It seemed like the logical conclusion since he already knew where it was. Besides there were other factors he wanted to consider in agreeing to my terms.”
“Which were?”
“He wanted to see where The Captain died.”
Okay, now I was confused. “Why? Did he know him?”
“He’s The Captain’s ex-boyfriend. They had a strained relationship for many years, mostly because Echo assumed Harlan was in love with me.”
“He was,” I pointed out. Praying that Fin wasn’t completely oblivious to that fact.
“Well, he assumed it was reciprocated. We just weren’t together because he was a mage.”
I stared out the window hard to keep my chest from exploding. “Well, that all seems dramatic and complicated. Two things The Captain definitely wasn’t.”
“Which was why they broke up, I assumed. He and I never talked about it.”
“You said, terms, what else are you doing for him?”
I risked a peak at him and then quickly stared back out the window. The stupid light had been reflecting off his hair, lighting him up in a halo.
“He wanted to see where Harlan died. I also offered him a lot of money to be the guinea pig in this. Also, you have to sign a magical contract saying neither of you will try to usurp each other’s magics.”
Shit. I hadn’t even considered that as a result to the sending. “Can that happen? Can he take my power while in the sending? How does it work, can I accidentally take his, or is it more of a willful act?”
Fin let out another long sigh.
Yeah. I got it. There were things I needed to know about my abilities though, and someone had to fucking tell me.
“You can’t do it accidentally, no. It’s a willful act, don’t worry.”
That made me feel a bit better. Even still, my gut churned as I started to recognize the landscape around the house.
Melinda gasped from the backseat. I’d forgotten it had been a while for her, and that she didn’t want to come back.
We pulled up to the house to find a man leaning on the brick leading into the front door. I eyed him warily, my magic at the ready, as we approached. Neither he, nor Fin, or any of us shook hands or offered a greeting.
“Show me,” was all the man said. His voice was a deep husky baritone. The kind country music singers got paid the big bucks for. His dark hair was buzz cut and he stood like a soldier. All in all, he looked like a regular guy. A hunky one, sure, but normal even.
We entered the house, and I went to the library while Fin took him to my old bedroom. I didn’t need to go back there and revisit that particular trauma. Instead, I scanned Fin’s library hunting for anything that might help me get a better grasp on sendings.
It would have been too easy to find a book titled, ‘The Raised Human Guide to Mage Sendings.’ Hell, anything would have been easier to sift through that book titled Ethical and Moral Dilemma of Highland Fae During the Uprising. Yeah, because that had to be a page turner.
I gave up after I found a book on sea creatures that was supposedly written from the point of view of a siren. When I came back out in the hall, Helix and Hawk stood awkwardly, not talking.
“You guys want to go check out the armory?”
I didn’t have to ask Hawk twice; he was already walking the way I pointed.
I figured if I couldn’t find a book to help my quest, then at the very least I could find a weapon to make me feel better. Nothing called out to me though, and I longed for my daggers strapped to my thighs.
Hawk and Helix grabbed a few things and inspected them while I waited and watched trying to decipher the tension between them both. It had been there since they met, and I didn’t know why.
When they seemed satisfied, they looked at me expectantly. “Let’s head back to the door and wait for Fin and his friend to be done. Then we can find a quiet room to try and perform a sending, I guess.”
“You don’t seem convinced,” Hawk noted, as we exited the room.
I didn’t get to answer because an explosion knocked me on my ass. It wasn’t until I sat up, ears ringing, that I realized Melinda hadn’t been with us since we arrived.