Chapter Eleven
There’s no point intrying to stop the tears from falling down my face. Even though I was so mad at him I thought at some point we’d talk it out and then everything would eventually be fine. But now, seeing my magic sapping his, I knew that it never would be.
Hawk came running out a minute later. “What happened? I don’t understand, did he say something that upset you?”
He sure as shit did, but I couldn’t get into it in front of Fin. Shame beat at me, a hot pulse that crawled down my neck. I couldn’t let him know what I’d been doing, unwittingly or not, it would turn him inside out.
Fin grabbed me by the upper arms, his hair whipping around his face in the wind. “Talk to me, Zoey. What the hell just happened in there?”
I shoved him off, and then again when he tried to hold on one more time. “No. I said all I needed to say and that’s it.”
“NO. That’s not it. You don’t think I get a say in this?”
I turned so I didn’t have to look at him. Yet another cowardly move to add to the growing stack. “Don’t worry. I doubt you dreamed of being mated to a mage one day. This way, you can bow out gracefully and it doesn’t matter.”
His arms came around me from behind, locking my back to his chest. “It doesn’t fucking matter,” he growled in my ear. “Is that what you just said to me. Mating is for life. There is not, nor will there ever be another person for me. Not while you, and I, both live.”
I struggled in his hold until I got a good kick into his knee. He released me and I stumbled forward. When I got my bearings, I marched up to him, dug one hand into his pants pocket, and pulled out the keys. “Since you have a garage full, I’m taking this one. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Hawk was already moving before I made it to the driver’s seat. He climbed in the passenger side and slammed the door as I spun out of the driveaway and away from the house.
“Zoey, if you’re going to drive then you need to calm the hell down. I’d prefer not to die in the country with my head in a tree.”
I didn’t respond but accelerated a little bit for good measure. No one told me what to do and I’d been entirely too nice about letting people order me around lately.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, sometime later. “Or can you at least fill me in on where you’re taking me?”
“I didn’t take you anywhere, you’re the one who climbed in the car with me.”
We rode in silence for a while, and it didn’t take long to realize I was headed to The Chief’s cabin. Of course, why wouldn’t I go there? Especially since I wished he was here to give me one of his completely demotivating pep talks. Often over the sparring mats.
A sob ripped out of me before I could stop it. God, what if I never got one of those again? If I never told him that I loved him.
I cried and drove all the way to his cabin. When we pulled up, Hawk climbed out of the car, the entire thing rocking from the shift of his weight. I stayed in the SUV until he went inside, then I cleaned my face, and followed.
It didn’t surprise me that Hawk had keys to this place. I found him in the kitchen munching on a piece of bread he’d found in the box there. “I don’t eat carbs often enough. He’s gotten really good at this.”
“When has he ever not been good at something he put his mind to?”
Hawk gave me the strangest look and then leaned over the counter with a cocky little grin. “Parenthood.”
It was my turn to gape at him. “What? What are you talking about?”
“You were the biggest challenge of his life. He spent hours reading blogs and parenting books, using internet forums, and talking to other parents. You, a too small, big eyed little girl with way too much attitude, was the hardest thing he ever did. But I know for a fact he would never change a thing about the time you guys spent together. He may have been your adopted father, but to him you were the little girl he was always meant to have.”
I spun to face the fireplace so he wouldn’t see me cry again. “Why the hell couldn’t we have these conversations when all of us were safe and sound and together?”
“Maybe because you have a tendency to push people away. And those with the most power to hurt you get pushed the hardest.”
I huffed. “Well, shit, don’t hold back now. Obviously, you have some thoughts on things in regard to his and my relationship.”
“No thoughts.” The sound of heavy chewing broke up this speech. Then he continued. “I’ve just seen you two for a long time. You love each other, and you tell each other in the only way either of you know, by beating it out.”
Instead of hovering and listening to him crush a loaf of bread I crossed to the couch and threw myself into it. My knees hit the coffee table, but I didn’t care. I deserved any knicks and bruises I got right now. It had always been easy to push people away, because if they weren’t in my life, then they couldn’t hurt me in the end. I wouldn’t have to walk into my home and find their dead bodies splayed out like a butcher case.
I forced the memories away like I had so many times and focused on breathing. One inhale. Two exhale. One inhale. Two exhale.
As I calmed down, the sorrow took hold. It felt like a vice around my ribs, locking my lungs, my organs, my heart, into a painful clump. Maybe running away was foolish, but the shame of my discovery, of the fact that I didn’t even see it...no...I couldn’t face it, or the look in his eyes when he found out.’
“Hungry?” Hawk asked, from the kitchen, his voice gentler than before.
“No, but I need to eat, who knows when a crazy mage is going to abduct someone I love and I’ll need my strength.”
“Yeah. Will soup cover all that? Because it’s really the only thing I know how to cook.”
When I didn’t answer, the sound of pots clanging together told me he’d taken my silence of ascent.
“What if I’m not powerful enough for this?”
A can opener clicked on, then off again. “For what? Eating soup?”
“To take down Esteban. To make sure everyone stays alive. What if I’m not strong enough to face him?”
The pot hit the stove with a clatter. It blew my mind that he was all brawn and slamming, and yet could fire at a sniper’s level ability. “Then I guess you die.”
I shove upward on the couch to spin and glare. “What the hell?”
“Don’t look at me like that. I’m not the one having the pity party over here. If you think you’re not strong enough, guess what, you won’t be. How many times have we told you that you need to visualize your plan, break it down, see it happening in your mind? The opposite effect is also true. Visualize your failure and of course you’ll fail.”
Both The Chief and Hawk had been telling me these things since I was a child. Over and over and over they drummed it into me. It wasn’t until I fell into the magical world that I started having doubts about my skills and abilities. When it came to bounty hunting, I was one of the best in the world. But fighting mages, dealing with my powers, it was all too much. There were too many variables and every situation I walked into felt fraught with surprises, and not the fun stripper in a birthday cake kind.
“You need to get your confidence up is all,” Hawk told me. I shifted my unfocused gaze to him. He stirred the soup neatly while chewing on the edge of another piece of bread. “You keep getting knocked down and now you’re not sure if it’s worth the effort to get back up again. But I’m telling you, you don’t have a choice, because The Chief is out there waiting for us to come unleash him on Esteban’s Black Mage ass so we can stop listening to you bitch about him.”
My mouth popped open before my brain rationalized all the words. Then I couldn’t help but laugh. I had spent most of my late teens declaring loudly, and rather arrogantly, that I’d end The Black Mage for what he did to my parents. I was that kid.
“Soup’s done.”
I crossed the room to accept a bowl and took my seat on the couch again. It smelled like The Chief. It made my chest ache all the more. He’d be so pissed to see me wallowing though. It was something he never tolerated when I was a kid. If I started, he’d force me into the training room until I wobbled on my feet, too tired to even think about what had been bothering me.
As I ate, my thoughts circled back to Fin. Damn I missed him so much. The little glint in his deep eyes, the soft wave of his hair along my shoulder as I woke up in the morning, even the looks he gave me when I was being entirely too sassy.
I finished the soup and carried the bowl to the kitchen. Hawk cooked so I’d wash everything in the morning. Besides, he’d probably have at least one more bowl of soup anyway.
As I walked to the bedroom, I decided I’d give myself one night to wallow. One single night to throw myself a pity party and then in the morning I’d get back to work. The Chief needed me, and I didn’t intend to let him down again.
Walking into my old bedroom was a mistake. The scent of Fin still lingered here from when we’d shown up to seek The Chief’s help. When I lay down in that bed, I was sure the pillow would smell like his hair. It took me a long time to undress, grab a spare t-shirt from the closet, and lay on top of the covers.
My muscles protested as I lay and I remembered all over again that I’d been blown up this afternoon. I hadn’t checked for injuries, but at this point nothing was going to roll me off this bed. I’d already committed. It felt safe with Fin’s scent all around me, and I didn’t bother fighting the comfort it provided.
Once I settled in, finally getting comfortable, my chest squeezed tight again. Reminding me who I missed, and that it had been my choice to run for it.
I sat up in the bed, my heart all but lurching out of my mouth. Oh my god. I’d done it to him again. He’d told me a long time ago that I always ran when things got difficult. Here, yet again, was living proof. Another ache shot through me, this time more painfully, and another realization smacked me in the nose. The ache wasn’t just my own pain, but Fin’s. He felt the same despair, loneliness, and confusion I did.
“Fuck.” I cursed into the empty room. “This is my fault. I’m such a damn idiot.”
Thankfully, the walls were thick, and Hawk didn’t hear me berating myself.
It was too late to go anywhere now. Besides, in my current mood, I’d run right off the road to keep from facing my own shame. Now magnified ten times from before.
Running away had become something I’d gotten damn good at. The best, in fact. So good that I’d found myself completely alone for years. When Fin came into my life, I’d been too stubborn and stupid to realize I’d needed other people. But now, I knew better, and I’d fix it.