Best Kept Secret (Rochester Trilogy 3)

The man she might still love, even if she denies it.

How could she not still be in love with him? His skin is warm, body solid beneath my cheek. Every heartbeat sounds like a secret. Any woman would crave this.

And honestly, she probably deserves him more than me. She survived so much to get here. She was courageous and bold and strong, and people like that deserve men like Beau.

All I did was accept a job.

Maybe that’s why I gave in to the woman holding a gun. Not out of self-preservation. Not out of a desire to help Paige’s mother. For the simple chance to see Beau again.

He tugs his fingers through my hair. “I can hear you thinking,” he says.

It was easier not to think when he was between my legs ten minutes ago. It was harder to stay quiet. He put a big hand over my mouth to stifle the sounds I made.

Now it’s loud in my head. “I’m wondering…”

I’m wondering how you felt when you first saw Emily this morning. Did you touch her the way you touched me? Did you kiss her to be sure she was real?

“Nothing.”

“Hell.” The admonishment sends heat through all of my limbs.

Heat to the tips of my fingers. “I’m wondering what you and Mateo talked about.”

I’m not his nanny anymore, not his employee, but this still seems like a safer question than asking how he feels about Emily. I’m not sure I can survive it without my heart breaking.

“He doesn’t trust Emily. Doesn’t think I should believe her.”

My heart races. That doesn’t sound good. “Why not?”

He runs his hand over my hair and down to my back. “He saw how hard it was with Paige. At the beginning. Hell, you saw it, too. I was in over my head. I was a goddamn wreck, and Paige deserved better. I think this is his way of trying to protect me.”

“Do you believe her?”

He’s quiet long enough that I realize I’m holding my breath. “Yes. I believe her.” A short laugh. “It’s too fucking insane to be made up.”

“So you’re going to help her.”

“Yes. She’s carried the burden alone for long enough.”

Fear overwhelms me. I’m supposed to be standing on my own two feet right now, here only for Emily and Paige, but I need this for myself. “Is that why you’re sad?”

“Sad?”

I put my hand over his heart. His chest is covered with rough hair. Warm skin. Beneath his breastbone, though, his heart beats. It’s a gentle throb. “Sad.”

His chest rises. Falls. “What do I have to be sad about?”

“You almost lost her.”

Beau takes my chin in his hand and tips my face to his. He studies me for a long time, then leans down for a kiss. His lips brush mine—once, twice. Featherlight and almost nonexistent. It feels like a goodbye kiss. It feels like he’s made a decision, and the only thing left to do is tell me what it is. “You think I’m sad because I almost lost Emily?”

“The two of you have history together.” In comparison, I have nothing. A few months. They had years to miss each other and want each other and now there’s nothing standing in the way. “Maybe you… Maybe you didn’t even realize how much you missed her.”

“I missed you.” He’s gruff about it. Sharp. Every word stabbing the air. “Every second you were gone felt like a goddamn year. You’re the one I missed, Jane.”

The words soothe a jagged place inside me. Still… “You can miss more than one person at the same time. You have so much in common. You match. I understand that.”

“Christ. I went to that goddamn cabin today, and all I could think about, all I wanted was to come back to you. To hold you again. To make sure you didn’t leave.”

“Today you wanted that. What happens if Paige goes with her mother?” I can’t trust that he’ll still want me in a month. A year. I can’t trust permanence when I’ve lived a temporary life. “Would you still want me if I’m not the nanny?”

He looks incredulous. And fierce. “Would you still want me if I’m not Paige’s guardian?”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“Isn’t it?” He props himself on his arm. His eyes are dark pools above me. “We’re both losing our identities. You think I don’t see the way this plays out? If we put Joe away, if Emily can come out of hiding, then Paige will go back with her. We’re both losing that little girl, and yes, hell yes, it makes me sad, but I’m sure as hell not going to lose you, too.”

“I’m not yours.” The denial is automatic. It’s flimsy considering I’m naked in his bed right now, but my heart needs all the protection it can get.

Challenge sparks in his eyes. “No?”