Through her sadness, her eyes heat. “Make me feel good, Beau.”
I put my hands on her hips. Slide them down to her thighs. “Tell me how you want it.” Anything, Jane Mendoza. “My mouth? My cock?”
“Mouth first,” she whispers.
She’s soft and wet and ready for me, and if Jane Mendoza wants me to lick her until we both die of old age, then fine. Her hips work in a rhythm that’s uniquely hers. My Jane is a searcher. She’s always looking for more. I can give her more. My tongue in the folds of her. My tongue in her slit. She’s sweet and salt and it’s a salve over the wound in my chest from tonight’s realization. Jane makes small noises and begs for more. This is what I want to drown in, not guilt. Not regret. Her. I O N L Y W A N T Y O U. I write it again and again and again. I O N L Y W A N T Y O U. O N L Y Y O U. O N L Y Y O U. O N L Y Y O U.
Jane makes a sound of longing, her hands reaching for my hair. My face. I make her come again before I let her pull me away from her. Anguish suffuses her touch now.
“I don’t have to stop, sweetheart.”
“I’m empty,” she pants. I can’t fix the loss of Paige we’ll have to face. I can’t replace it with anything else. But I can give her this. I can make this one aching thing feel better.
Between her thighs is the only place I can stand to be right now. She licks at my bottom lip while I fill her up. When I kiss her back, I don’t know if the salt is from her tears or mine. The warmth of her body around me comforts a primal urge to back away from all this feeling. My love was dangerous for so long. To me. To everyone else. I never thought I’d feel this kind of obsessive love again, but it’s here. With Jane, it takes on a new character. It is dangerous to love someone. Risky as all hell. Same as walking along a cliff’s edge. Same as running. But there’s only one place to fall now, and that’s into her.
Jane clings to me like I’m a boat in a storm. It’s the same for her, then. She’s been looking for safe harbor. Maybe she thought she wanted total independence. The kind you can only get when you’re by yourself. Her touch wants me. It seeks me, over and over, holding me to her. I’m not the one who was packing my suitcase, but I let her do it. I want her to reach for me. The sensation of her drowns the fear that says she shouldn’t.
Our rhythm is broken up with sadness, but it works. It’s a choppy, sorrowful thing we’re doing. And hot, too. Her body’s heat feels like so much more than mine. Enough to burn. Warm the ocean outside until it won’t hurt to dive in. Jane sucks in a little breath and clenches around me.
“That’s it,” I murmur into her ear. “Come on my cock.”
“You,” she says. “You.” No more words. Unnecessary.
I tease the side of her neck with my teeth and slip a hand between us. I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U, I write on her clit. It makes her come in a shuddering moan that’s made rich by her tears. Pleasure and pain are both pouring out of her now. One of her hands on my shoulder tells me what else she needs. My touch. My cock. Only me. I don’t feel steady enough to deserve her, but Jane doesn’t care. Her nails dig into my skin like I’m all that’s left in the world.
She’s all that’s left in my world. The rest is coming apart. What puts me back together is her pleasure. She arches toward my touch, slick between our bodies, and when she comes it’s with a low cry that sounds like both sadness and hope.
“Now you,” she begs.
It feels almost like giving in, but I can’t help it with Jane. I never have been able to. I love her so much. Damn her. She hooks her legs around my hips and holds me inside of her. I’ve never had pleasure torn from me in the middle of so much grief. It’s an unburdening and acceptance all at once. Nobody ever makes it through these things unscathed. Missing Paige is going to hurt like hell. But we’ll survive it. As long as I have Jane, I can survive anything.
We lie in the sheets for a long time. A thousand thoughts float across my mind. None of them seem worth breaking the silence for. I just listen to her breathe. For a while, it sounds like she might start crying again. It levels off. Smooths out. Jane rests her head against me and falls asleep.