Before I Fall

Get out of the shower. Theres no time. Its Lindsaymy moms let her in.

I crack the door a little and there she is, her big puffy jacket zipped to her chin, looking pissed. Im happy to see her, anyway. She looks so normal, so familiar.

What happened last night? I say.

She frowns for a second. Yeah, sorry about that. I couldnt call back. I didnt get off the phone with Patrick until, like, three A.M.

Call back? I shake my head. No, I meant

He was freaking out over the fact that his parents are going to Acapulco without him. She rolls her eyes. Poor baby. I swear to you, Sam, guys are like pets. Feed em, pet em, and put em to bed. She leans forward. Speaking of whichare you excited about tonight?

What? I dont even know what shes talking about. Her words are all running past me, blurring together. Im holding on to the towel rack, afraid Ill fall over. The shower is on way too hot and theres thick steam everywhere, clouding up the mirror, condensing on the tiles.

You, Rob, some Miller Lite, and his flannel sheets. She laughs. Very romantic.

I have to shower. I try to close the door, but she wedges her elbow in at the last second and pushes into the bathroom.

You havent showered yet? She shakes her head. Uh-uh. No way. Youll have to do without.

She reaches into the shower and turns off the water, then grabs me by the hand and drags me into the hallway.

You definitely need some makeup, though, she says, scanning my face. You look like shit. Nightmares?

Something like that.

I have my MAC stuff in the Tank. She unzips her coat and I see a white tuft of fur peeking out from her cleavage: our Cupid Day tank tops. I suddenly have the urge to sit down on the floor and laugh and laugh, and I have to struggle not to have a fit right there while Lindsays shoving me into my room.

Get dressed, she says, and pulls out her cell phone, probably to text Elody were going to be late. She watches me for a second and then sighs, turning away.

Hope Rob doesnt mind a little BO, she says, and as she giggles over this, I start pulling on my clothes: the tank top, the skirt, the boots.

Again.

DOES THIS STRAITJACKET MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG?

When Elody gets into the car she leans forward to grab her coffee, and the smell of her perfumeraspberry body spray she still buys religiously from the Body Shop in the mall, even though it stopped being cool in seventh gradeis so real and sharp and familiar I have to close my eyes, overwhelmed.

Bad idea. With my eyes shut I see the beautiful warm lights of Kents house receding in the rearview mirror and the sleek black trees crowding on either side of us like skeletons. I smell burning. I hear Lindsay yelling and feel my stomach bottom out as the car lurches to one side, tires squealing

Shit.

I snap my eyes open as Lindsay swerves to avoid a squirrel. She chucks her cigarette out the window and the smell of smoke is strangely double: Im not sure whether Im smelling it or remembering it or both.

You really are the worst driver. Elody giggles.

Be careful, please, I mutter. Im clutching the sides of my seat without meaning to.

Dont worry. Lindsay leans over and pats my knee. I wont let my best friend die a virgin.

Im desperate to spill everything to Lindsay and Elody at that moment, to ask them whats happening to meto usbut I cant think of any way to say it.

We were in a car accident after a party that hasnt happened yet.

I thought I died yesterday. I thought I died tonight.

Elody must think Im quiet because Im worried about Rob. She loops her arms around the back of my seat and leans forward.

Dont worry, Sam. Youll be fine. Its just like riding a bike, Elody says.

I try to force a smile, but I can barely focus. It seems like a long time ago that I went to bed imagining being side-by-side with Rob, imagining the feel of his cool, dry hands. Thinking about him makes me ache, and my throat threatens to close up. I suddenly cant wait to see him, cant wait to see his crooked smile and his Yankees hat and even his dirty fleece that always smells a little bit like boy sweat, even after his mom makes him wash it.

Its like riding a horse, Lindsay corrects Elody. Youll be a blue-ribbon champion in no time, Sammy.

I always forget you used to ride horses. Elody flips open the lid of her coffee and blows steam off the top.

When I was, like, seven, I say, before Lindsay can turn this into a joke. I think if she starts making fun of me now I really will cry. I could never explain the truth to her: that riding was my favorite thing in the world. I loved to be alone in the woods, especially in the late fall when everything is crisp and golden, the leaves the color of fire, and it smells like things turning into earth. I loved the silencethe only sound the steady drum of the hooves and the horses breathing.

No phones. No laughter. No voices. No houses.

No cars.

Ive flipped the visor down to keep the glare out of my eyes, and in the mirror I see Elody smiling at me. Maybe Ill tell her whats happening to me, I think, but at the same time I know that I wont. She would think I was crazy. They all would.

I keep quiet and look out the window. The light is weak and watery-looking, like the sun has just spilled itself over the horizon and is too lazy to clean itself up. The shadows are as sharp and pointed as needles. I watch three black crows take off simultaneously from a telephone wire and wish I could take off too, move up, up, up, and watch the ground drop away from me the way it does when youre on an airplane, folding and compressing into itself like an origami figure, until everything is flat and brightly coloreduntil the whole world is like a drawing of itself.

Theme song, please, Lindsay says, and I scroll through her iPod until I find the Mary J. Blige, then lean back and try not to think of anything except the music and the beat.

And I keep my eyes open.

By the time we pull into the drive that winds past the upper parking area and down to the faculty lot and Senior Alley, Im actually feeling better, even though Lindsays cursing and Elodys complaining that one more tardy will get her Friday detention and its already two minutes after first bell.

Everything looks so normal. I know that because its Friday, Emma McElroy will be coming from Evan Danzigs house, and sure enough there she is, ducking through a clipped portion of the fence. I know Peter Kourt will be wearing a pair of Nike Air Force 1s hes had for a million years because he wears them every day, even though there are so many holes in them you can see what color socks hes wearing (usually black). I watch them go flashing by as he books it down toward the main building.

Seeing all these things makes me feel a thousand times better, and I start thinking maybe all of yesterdayeverything that happenedwas just some kind of long, strange dream.

Lindsay cruises down to the Senior Alley, even though theres zero chance of finding a spot. Its a religion for her. My stomach dips when we pass the third spot from the tennis courts, and theres Sarah Grundels brown Chevrolet with its Thomas Jefferson Swim Team stickerand another one, smaller, that reads GET WETstaring at me from the bumper. I think: she got the last spot because were so late, and I have to squeeze my nails into my palms and repeat to myself that Ive only been dreamingthat none of this has happened before.

I cant believe we have to walk .22 miles, Elody says, pouting. I dont even have a jacket.

Youre the one who left the house half naked, Lindsay says. It is February.

I didnt know Id be outside.

We pass the soccer fields on our right as we loop back toward Upper Lot. At this time of year the fields are all churned up, just mud and a few patches of brown grass.

I feel like Im having dj vu, Elody says. Flashback to freshman year, you know?

Ive been having dj vu all morning, I blurt out before I can stop myself. Instantly I feel better, sure that thats what this is.

Let me guess. Lindsay brings one hand to her temples and frowns, pretending to concentrate. Youre having flashbacks to the last time Elody was this annoying before nine A.M.

Shut up! Elody leans forward and smacks Lindsays arm and they start laughing. I smile too, relieved to have spoken the words out loud. It makes sense: one time on a trip to Colorado, my parents and I hiked up three miles to this little waterfall smack in the middle of the woods. The trees were big and old, all of them pine. The clouds were streaked across the sky like spun sugar. Izzy was too young to walk or talk. She was riding in my dads baby backpack, and she kept punching her tiny fat fists at the sky like she wanted to grab it.

Anyway, as we were standing there watching the spray of water on the rocks, I had the craziest feeling that it had all happened before, down to the smell of the orange my mom was peeling and the exact reflections of the trees in the surface of the water. I was positive. It became the big joke that day, because Id complained about having to hike three miles, and when I told my parents I was having dj vu, they kept laughing and saying it really would be a miracle if Id ever agreed to walk that far in a past life.

I guess my point is only that I was sure then, just like Im feeling sure now. It happens.

Oooh! Elody squeals, and starts digging through her purse. She knocks out a pack of cigarettes and two empty tubes of lip gloss, plus a misshapen eyelash curler. I almost forgot your present.

She sends the condom sailing over the front seat, and Lindsay claps her hands and bounces in her seat when I hold it up.

No glove, no love? I say, managing a smile.

Elody leans forward and kisses my cheek, leaving a ring of pink gloss. Youre going to be great, kid.

Dont call me that, I say, and drop the condom in my bag. We step out of the car and the air is so cold my eyes sting and start to water. I ignore the bad feeling buzzing through me, and I think, This is my day, this is my day, this is my day, so I cant think of anything else.

A SHADOW WORLD

I read once that you get dj vu when the two halves of your brain process things at different speeds: the right half a few seconds before the left, or vice versa. Science is probably my worst subject, so I didnt understand the whole article, but that would explain the weird double feeling that it leaves you with, like the world is splitting in halfor you are.

Thats the way I feel, at least: like theres a real me and a reflection of me, and I have no way of telling which is which.